Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How to tell if you're an A-Type

So this all starts yesterday morning, I'm not even kidding, at 6 in the morning. This is when I get the first text from my best friend Stacey, who's pregnant with her first child, a little girl. The first text says:

"Had contractions all night, on Oxygen and hands and knees to get baby moving...doc will be here at 8 am. Cervadil dilated me 2cm"

And I pick up the phone, blurry eyed and not sure what month it is, let alone what day, read the text, and think, Are you there, God? It's me, Tracy. Please protect my Stace and let her give birth to the most beautiful girl in the world without too much pain or jerk-wad doctors or crappy jello, make it quick and not like they show it in the movies to scare the crap out of you, and please, if you could find the time to send her an angel message that she DOESN'T HAVE TO TEXT WHILE IN LABOR that would be swell.

Thanks, God!

Alas, sometimes our prayers are answered, sometimes not, because my beloved best friend, whom I have known since seventh grade and I have seen on more than one occasion use ONE black olive as a vehicle for which to deliver an ENTIRE TUPPERWARE CONTAINER of ranch dressing into her mouth, the girl who rolled her eyes at our German teacher even more than I did, my partner in crime for debating existentialism, Catholicism, and Smashing Pumpkins lyrics, my best friend who has lead archaeological digs in 105 degree heat in Southern California while carrying 60 pounds of gear and once got yanked into the government of Ireland's office for daring to write that Dublin's cultural centers were trying to re-write history to make it more politically correct, the self-confident woman who got a PHD from Stanford University and then got hired to teach at a university in Idaho before she even finished her degree, the bad-ass who wrote her thesis while pregnant, this Stacey, girl that I adore above many of the girls that I adore...

Is surely an A-Type. So the texts continue.

And I am getting hourly updates now of how dilated she is, what they're giving her, one text message that actually says "Breaking water now" and all I can think is that if someone gave ME a cell phone while I was in labor there would actually be a new episode of "True Stories of the ER" on Lifetime that could reenact someone getting a cell phone removed from their right eye ball, where I JAMMED IT IN after someone said, "Hey, Tracy, while you're in labor, do you want to send mass text messages to everyone to keep them updated?"

So there you have it. Stacey is, um, one of a kind. And Lana Joyce, at 8 lbs and 11 ounces, is beautiful.

As I was texting Stacey this morning and I mentioned that I'd, uh, never heard of anyone else texting while giving birth, she replied, "Trust me, it was the only thing keeping me sane." And when I asked her if I could blog about this she said sure. So just so you know, we're still best friends.

Until she reads the paragraph about the ranch dressing.


Radical Bradacal said...

Stacey! You crazy lady! Tracy! You funny lady! I adore you both, glad everything is well, and that Lana Joyce is big and happy and perfect!

Phoenix said...

Right back at ya, Lysie :)

Lira Kellerman said...

Tracy, silly, did you mean "Untold Stories of the ER"? I don't mean to be a jerk, but you know, I've been on EVERY single recreated events show ever created, so I take offense you didn't fact check.

Also, I would be more than happy to show Stacy the wonderful awesomeness that is fulfilling one's fantasy of simply suckling Ranch dressing out of the squeezable bottle.

And hooray for very healthy mommies and their babies. Happy Aunt Tracy day!

Phoenix said...

Lira, you JERK.

No, no, no, I blog corrected. It's "Untold Stories of the ER." When I blog about another friend of mine giving birth to a baby in a toilet, I'll make sure to get the name of THAT recreated events show correct as well.

Also, you realize that with the ranch dressing, that makes you an enabler, right?


Shanna Suburbia said...

mmmm... ranch....

The818 said...

Congrats to her - she sounds like an amazing girl! Pregnancy has definitely not be motivating me to write any thesis.

drollgirl said...

BAHAHHA!!! if texting helps, so be it.

Iva Messy said...


Congratulations to your best friend :)

tenure.track.mommy said...

Haha Tracy - I just read this blog again. The last time I read it I was in a drug-induced stupor right after delivering Lana...so now it makes more sense :) I am glad I provided some entertainment :) And thanks to all your sweet bloggers for writing such nice comments!

tenure.track.mommy said...

PS - I still love ranch dressing...but now bleu cheese is my favorite snack. I am eating it right out of the container as I write!

Blog Widget by LinkWithin