tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1422877510372338272023-11-22T11:35:31.133-08:00Res ipsa loquiturclinging, I shall die of boredom...Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.comBlogger280125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-8513807136154540082015-03-24T08:35:00.000-07:002015-03-24T08:35:00.054-07:00The Earth, As I Left It.Hi.<br />
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Bet you thought I'd never come back, right? Shout out to the six readers who still care enough to read this, by the way. And that's not snark - it's genuine appreciation. Hello, six readers. Thank you for still reading after all this time. You are appreciated.<br />
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I could start at the beginning, but beginnings are slow and boring. So I'll start at the end, and work my way back, like an episode of Alias.<br />
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My aunt died on Wednesday.<br />
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Wednesday night, if we're going to be exact. The phone rang at 10 pm and I just knew. When I'd seen her, for the last time, that Sunday before, her shoulder bones were sticking out, her face was gaunt, her body racked with pain. Breast cancer was eating her from the inside out. She couldn't eat much anymore. She sobbed from the pain. The only thing I could do to help was massage her feet to give her body a momentary, new sensation to focus on.<br />
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She was in hell. So was I.<br />
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And it's hard to write when you're in hell. When you're in the thick of it, and you can see no way out, when you can't talk to anyone who will understand, because your aunt has chosen, unlike 90% of the rest of the population battling cancer, to opt out of chemo. There were no pink ribbons for her, no crowdfunding campaigns to raise money for medical bills. No one dropped off any meals, not that my aunt could have eaten them anyway. My family kept it a secret from most people, because we are staunch New Englanders with stiff upper lips and a long, proud line of people who make fun of going to therapy. I am the black sheep of the family for going to therapy, for having stellar communication skills, and for having a blog. And let's face it, the blog isn't going that well.<br />
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My aunt had nurses visit her at her home for a few months, helping bandage her breast because the cancer was so advanced already that it was bleeding, and then when she needed her bandage changed every few hours and was too weak to go to the bathroom by herself, she was transferred up to a nursing facility in Los Angeles, just a few miles from me. It was too far away for the rest of my family, so I visited her three or four times a week, helping any way I can, which was mostly by trying to make her laugh, or getting her to do a puzzle, which took her mind off the pain for a little while.<br />
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She was there for six months, and it was the worst six months of my life. I'm 100% certain it was the worst six months of her life too.<br />
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She came home February 1st, and in a spot of uncharacteristic optimism, I thought she was getting better. I was able to visit her twice - just twice - and then she was gone. I am trying to forgive myself for not seeing her more when she was moved further away from me. I am trying to forgive myself for a lot.<br />
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My aunt was my second mom. After my dad left, she helped my mom raise me when I was a teenager. My mom and my aunt are twins, closer sisters than any other siblings I've ever seen.<br />
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She was generous to a fault. If I showed interest in a book she was reading she would loan it to me without even finishing it first, waving me away when I said I could wait. She donated money to every charity known to mankind. And she spoiled people rotten at Christmastime.<br />
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She was smart as a whip - never missed a thing. She did the ultra hard "so difficult they'll make you cry" sudoku in like 2 hours and could finish a puzzle in about the same time. When talking became too difficult for her near the end, and we'd be working on a puzzle together, she'd select a piece and nod over to where she wanted me to place it, and I got better at guessing where. We worked out a system where she'd nod at a piece and I'd fit it in and everyone else at the nursing home thought we were more impressive than Cirque du Soleil.<br />
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She was a smartass. And a lover of sci-fi. And a terrible cook, and a driver that scared the crap out of me because she thought going 60 mph on surface streets was completely acceptable. I have known her since I was born, and I have seen her at least once a week every week since I was nine years old.<br />
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Her love was a huge part of my life, and now that she is gone, there is a huge hole. I am at a loss as to how I will ever find something or someone as lovely and wonderful and hilarious as my aunt to fill that gaping hole.<br />
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This is all I have the energy to write at the moment. But I'll be back soon.<br />
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Wishing you all well.<br />
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Much love,<br />
Tracy<br />
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<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-458010232604017932013-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:002013-12-03T10:19:29.522-08:00Land of GatheringIt's been almost six months since I last blogged, and so often I've come to this page, staring at a blank screen, and wondered <i>where the hell do I even start?</i><br />
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The easiest, simplest way to tell all of you who are still reading this blog and care about where I've been (and bless you if you are and you still do) is to say that I've been in the Land of Gathering.<br />
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You know how sometimes you put off getting your life together for months, even years? And sometimes it takes such a concentrated effort of energy, such laser-like focus, that you need to shut out everything else for a while. Sometimes it makes explaining what you're doing while you're in the middle of doing it difficult, and tedious, and distracting. Sometimes, especially when you're a perfectionist, like I am, you don't want to <i>talk</i> about it, you just want to <i>do</i> it, and you want to get it done correctly. There's flow, there's <a href="http://agreyeyedgirl.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/the-meaning-of-meraki/">meraki</a>, there's a vision and a plan and steps and to-do lists and buckets of things that you yearn to do with all your being that have been put off for so long they have slipped back into the cracks of the walls that hold you up, but you still feel them knocking into your bones when you try to sleep at night when the winds come around.<br />
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Life sometimes feels like a spool of tangled thread or cords, and I keep thinking that all I need to do is get back to the source where it's plugged into the wall or connected to that huge ball of yarn and then I can start to really put things back on track from where they continuously slid off while I wasn't looking. But a fresh start isn't merely difficult; it is impossible. So I did the next best thing, which was run away from home, both metaphorically and literally.<br />
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In June, I boarded a plane to Boston with my husband Benni and my two brothers for our cousin-only family reunion, where I met all of my second cousins for the very first time, had actual conversations with my first cousins for the very first time (I hadn't seen most of them since I was nine years old), and waded into the murky family history that needed a little bit of cleaning and clearing between the twenty or so of us. I'll be blunt - I have a very manipulative family, and anything and everything that I post on this blog can (and has in the past) been used against me. And it's tough to know what to say while treading on thin ice so I'll just say this: my brothers and I put in a lot of prep work to make sure this was a safe space for everyone, free from the influence and machinations of others, and it worked beautifully, and the vulnerability and honesty and kindness and genuineness of this family reunion is something I will never forget, and something that can never be taken away from any of us.<br />
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Below is the only picture I'll show from the reunion: my brother Jeff and Benni showing two little cousins of ours how to fly wooden airplanes for the first time. It's memories like this that move me to tears and have me fall on my knees in gratitude daily. For the first time in a very long time, I was able to gather my family back into my arms and back into my heart.<br />
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Then in August I quit my job, which was lovely, considering that by the time I left it was what could safely be deemed a "hostile environment," and I can say in good conscience that I did my best as an employee while I worked there, that I left on my own terms, with integrity, and that by the time I left my employer had changed his mind and decided to appreciate me after five years of nothing but passive aggression. I gathered my pride, and gathered my things, and walked out the door.<br />
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Two days later I boarded a plane with my husband and then touched down in London.<br />
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Benni and I spent three days in London; three days in Paris; and four days in Barcelona. I'd forgotten how much I loved traveling, how it seeps into my heart and winds its delicate fingers around my veins and takes my pulse. I'd forgotten how much I missed it, missed exploring new places and speaking in broken second (or third) languages and trying new foods and making new friends. And I gathered my sense of adventure, and my fearlessness, and my go-with-the-flow attitude that I thought I'd lost because I was too busy taking things too seriously. (For honeymoon pictures, refer to my Instagram account up and to the right, but I'll post some next week too.)<br />
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Back home in September, I gathered my focus, and I drop-kicked my fear of failure in the face, and started working my ass off at making my acting career my first priority. Postcards, business cards, mailing lists, resumes, reels, press releases, social media blitzes, networking lunches, work sessions with friends, modeling shoots, reading scripts, auditions... I went balls to the wall. And I have not stopped. Nor will I, until I get what I want, because I finally got my eye back on the prize. Now all I gotta do is get better about sharing where I'm coming from with my friends (you guys). This post is a good start, hopefully.<br />
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So...yes. I've been busy. Gathering myself into the many channels of life that I love, focusing, sharpening, and getting clearer and stronger. And I gotta say... the view is pretty nice.<br />
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<i><b>Maybe since we're gone and all is through</b></i></div>
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<i><b>I've got such a view, I've got such a view </b></i></div>
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<i>- The Ceremonies, "Land of Gathering"</i></div>
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<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-10829954491843882312013-05-30T18:23:00.001-07:002013-07-11T16:17:28.179-07:00winding up....<div style="text-align: center;">
Lately I feel spring-loaded, like there's all this energy buzzing in my hands that's cocked waaaaay back, about to explode when I let it go. I've been doing a lot of prep work for the things I've got lined up this summer, and it's required a lot of hard work and plans and serious A-Typing, but I think it's all gonna be worth it. I feel like I'm gonna throw a super fast curve ball straight through summer. And that it's gonna feel good.</div>
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First up: I changed up my look a bit and got new headshots. That's right! I dyed my hair strawberry brunette and got full bangs, then took some spiffy new headshots as the Quirky Girl. (What does "quirky" even mean, anyway? Does it mean "weird" but "not so weird that the person might stalk and kill you"? I haven't figured it out yet.) If you look up "quirky" in the dictionary, though, I bet there's a picture of Zooey Deschanel. She's the ultimate Quirky Girl. And she's adorable.</div>
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So here are some shots you guys might like, all courtesy of the fabulous <a href="http://www.danapatrick.com/default.html">Dana Patrick</a> in LA: </div>
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Yay! Pictures! That might lead to acting jobs! I'm excited. I'm still in a <a href="http://billyoleary.com/">fantastic acting class</a>, too, but I'm taking a break in July to study dialects at a local college with this <a href="http://thestrugglingactress.blogspot.com/">lovely lady</a>. </div>
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This summer I am also heading over to the East Coast (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Winnipesaukee">Lake Winnipesaukee</a>, where my family used to own property when I was little) to meet up with all of my cousins for a week-long family reunion. It's going to be a blast to reconnect with everyone and make some great new memories. I'm pretty jazzed to meet all of my little second cousins too. </div>
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And finally, last but maybe most hugely (is that a word? It is now), Benni and I booked our honeymoon for later this year. We're going to not one, not two, but to THREE different cities. Anyone want to guess? I'll give you a hint:</div>
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Yep! Great guesses! We're going to London, Paris, and Barcelona! And I couldn't be happier. :) Benni and I are staying in some gorgeous hotels and have lots of plans for sight-seeing (we're museum geeks) and eating at some great restaurants. We are truly so incredibly happy.</div>
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It's shaping up to be a wonderful summer. I hope you all have a fantastic one and I'll catch you all later. Have a terrific weekend :)</div>
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Hugs,</div>
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Tracy</div>
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<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-35142640071731602092013-05-13T16:40:00.000-07:002013-07-11T16:16:36.770-07:00punch envy in the faceWe've all heard the phrase <i>the grass is greener on the other side</i>, right?<br />
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Yeah. That's what this post is about. <br />
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For as long as I can remember, I've lacked that competitive edge. I was placed into sports at a pretty young age, because my energy and enthusiasm were through the roof and I'm sure my parents literally wept in joy to have an instructor or coach try to tackle that unbridled energy for a couple hours each day so that they could lie face down on the floor and sleep for eight minutes. But even as I "competed" in gymnastics, soccer, and martial arts, I was never competitive.<b> </b>I simply didn't care about beating anyone else. Trophies were boring, and I was always more concerned about the feelings of the kids on the losing team when we did win. I could not have been less interested in measuring my progress against how the other kids my age were doing, or looking at anyone else to figure out my place in the world.<br />
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When I did push myself (and I do, quite often), I measured myself up against <b>me</b>. Was I better today than I was yesterday? Did I hike further, punch harder, stretch longer, do even more push-ups than the day before? I measured me against me, and it worked out fairly well, because the most important thing I gained from that was happiness. I was happy to just be me. I didn't need to be anyone else, even if some kids were going further or faster. What other people accomplished simply didn't affect me, not because I didn't care about them, but because it never felt like the accomplishments of other people took something away from ME.<br />
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School and acting were the same way for me. I received high grades in school but didn't care what other people were earning (I remember getting cornered by the Smart Kid in my AP English class one year when he discovered that I had the highest grade in the class. <i>But you don't even care</i>, he kept saying, as if my lack of competitiveness meant that I shouldn't be able to write an essay well.) When I moved up to LA to pursue acting, I was genuinely glad when someone I knew booked a great part in a tv show or movie. It still never felt like something was being taken away from me. I was happy to just be traveling on my own journey, at my own speed.<br />
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Years passed. My <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill">Happiness Set Point </a>remained solid and steady, and I was content to take things at my own speed. But little by little, other people worried about me, and they told me so. They were concerned that I was missing out on great opportunities, because I wasn't pushy or aggressive enough. They assumed that because I was content, it meant that I didn't care about taking my career further. They pointed out that other people had more auditions or jobs than I did, and what was I going to do about it?<br />
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It's hard to stay happy when people tell you that you shouldn't be. And of my own accord, a few years ago, I opened the door to Dissatisfaction, and along with it came Insecurity, Unhappiness, and yes - Envy. Suddenly, as if I were trying to make up for all those years lost, I couldn't stop obsessing about other people and what they had. Why didn't I have what they did in their careers? Every job my friends booked, I was still happy for them - but it hurt. It was a subtraction from my own happiness. Their happiness took away part of mine (something I hate to admit here on a public blog, but don't worry - this story has a happy ending.) And every actual expert on happiness can tell you what I had completely forgotten, as I went over and over every night what mistakes I must have possibly made, as I looked back at the past and bathed in regret each evening wondering what I should have done differently so that I'd be a successful working actress by now. They'd say that TRUE happiness does not concern itself with what other people are doing, that real happiness only multiplies and adds, never subtracts, never divides. And I know all that. Intellectually. But it's hard to fight back against the demons once you opened the door and let them come in and trash your house.<br />
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So I had to start from scratch. Just like taking a break from working out, it was hard and discouraging and time-consuming and frustrating and there was a lot of <i>I already learned this lesson, why am I here again</i>. I put one foot in front of the other and tried to remember what it felt like to not compare myself to others. To not take things personally. To feel genuine joy for the success of other people.<br />
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It was not easy, and it took a while. But I read a quote one day that helped move that journey along a little faster. It said, <i><b>"The grass is greener on the other side because it's getting watered."</b></i><br />
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BAM. That was it. That was the perspective I needed. The grass is greener on the other side...because on the other side is someone who is working their ass off, focusing on their own journey, taking care of what needs to get taken care of, and not spending so much time looking over at their neighbor's lawn. And I had NO CLUE. I had no clue what other people were going through, that some people were looking at ME and being envious of me and thinking I was the one who had it easy. We are all looking over at each's other lawns and having zero clue about the hard work that goes in to maintaining it, all of us needlessly comparing and competing and making ourselves miserable.<br />
<br />
And then I started to remember. Like muscle memory, I started to remember my natural happiness set point, where I never felt lack in my own life just because someone else had abundance in theirs. I remembered what it meant to be grateful, to be present and grounded and focused on my own life (in a non-selfish way), to take deep breaths and start focusing on my own grass rather than worrying about what someone else was doing on their grass. <br />
<br />
I am still driven, I am still pushing, especially in a challenging career choice that encourages competitiveness and back-stabbing. But I'm back on track. And I've been trying to write this post for several months now, and I finally got it out of my system and into the world and if only one of you who reads it is changed by it, I will have done my job. <br />
<br />
Go out into the world and know that nothing is against you. Go out and punch envy in the face.<br />
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-16468559527251574682013-04-30T14:01:00.001-07:002013-07-11T16:16:03.007-07:00National Poetry Month, Part 3<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><u><b>Untitled </b></u></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">“I
believe in the sun<br />
though it is late<br />
in rising</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I believe
in love<br />
though it is absent</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I believe in God</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">though he is silent..." </span><b><span style="font-size: 18.0pt;"></span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> - </span><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 18.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">translated
from the French, the text is an unsigned inscription found on the wall of a
cave in Cologne
where Jewish people had been hiding during the Holcaust </span></b></div>
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</u><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>From
Out the Cave</b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When you have been<br />
at war with yourself<br />
for so many years that<br />
you have forgotten why,<br />
when you have been driving<br />
for hours and only<br />
gradually begin to realize<br />
that you have lost the way,<br />
when you have cut<br />
hastily into the fabric,<br />
when you have signed<br />
papers in distraction,<br />
when it has been centuries<br />
since you watched the sun set<br />
or the rain fall, and the clouds,<br />
drifting overhead, pass as flat<br />
as anything on a postcard;<br />
when, in the midst of these<br />
everyday nightmares, you<br />
understand that you could<br />
wake up,<br />
you could turn<br />
and go back<br />
to the last thing you<br />
remember doing<br />
with your whole heart:<br />
that passionate kiss,<br />
the brilliant drop of love<br />
rolling along the tongue of a green leaf,<br />
then you wake,<br />
you stumble from your cave,<br />
blinking in the sun,<br />
naming every shadow<br />
as it slips.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>by Joyce Sutphen</b></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>Untitled </b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don’t know about you,<br />
but I practice a disorganized religion.<br />
I belong to an unholy disorder.<br />
We call ourselves,<br />
“Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment.”<br />
You may have seen us praying<br />
for love<br />
on sidewalks outside the better<br />
eating establishments<br />
in all kinds of weather.<br />
Blow us a kiss<br />
upon arriving or departing,<br />
and we will climax<br />
simultaneously.<br />
It can be quite a scene,<br />
especially if it is raining<br />
cats and dogs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong>by Kurt Vonnegut </strong></div>
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>all that is glorious around us</b></u> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is not, for me, these grand vistas, sublime peaks, mist-filled<br />
overlooks, towering clouds, but doing errands on a day<br />
of driving rain, staying dry inside the silver skin of the car,<br />
160,000 miles, still running just fine. or later,<br />
sitting in a café warmed by the steam<br />
from white chicken chili, two cups of dark coffee,<br />
watching the red and gold leaves race down the street,<br />
confetti from autumn’s bright parade. and i think<br />
of how my mother struggles to breathe, how few good days<br />
she has now, how we never think about the glories<br />
of breath, oxygen cascading down our throats to the lungs,<br />
simple as the journey of water over a rock. <i>it is the nature</i><br />
<i>of stone</i> / <i>to be satisfied</i> / writes mary oliver, <i>It is the nature</i><br />
<i>of water</i> / <i>to want to be somewhere else</i>, rushing down<br />
a rocky tor or high escarpment, the panoramic landscape<br />
boundless behind it. but everything glorious is around<br />
us already: black and blue graffiti shining in the rain’s<br />
bright glaze, the small rainbows of oil on the pavement,<br />
where the last car to park has left its mark on the glistening<br />
street, this radiant world.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>by Barbara Crooker </b></div>
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>today,
like every other day </b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
today, like every other day, we wake up empty<br />
and frightened. don’t open the door to the study<br />
and begin reading. take down a musical instrument.<br />
<br />
let the beauty we love be what we do.<br />
there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>by Jalaluddin Rumi </b></div>
<br />
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-61040281289264512862013-04-24T16:20:00.000-07:002013-07-11T16:15:39.956-07:00National Poetry Month, Part 2 <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>untitled </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are more than the worst thing that’s ever <br />
happened to us. All of us need to stop apologizing <br />
for having been to hell and come back breathing. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Your bad
dreams are battle scars. <br /> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">What doesn’t kill you cuts you fucking deep <br />
but scars are just skin growing back <br />
thicker when it heals. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Clementine von Radics</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Stop Being So Religious</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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What<br />
do sad people have in<br />
common?<br />
It seems<br />
they have all built a shrine<br />
to the past<br />
And often go there<br />
to do a strange wail and<br />
worship.<br />
What is the beginning of<br />
happiness?<br />
It is to stop being<br />
so religious<br />
like that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
by Hafez </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>i thank you god for most this amazing </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i thank You God for most this amazing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
which is natural which is infinite which is yes</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
(i who have died am alive again today;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
great happening illimitably earth)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
how should tasting touching hearing seeing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
breathing any-lifted from the no</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
of all nothing-human merely being</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
doubt unimaginable You?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
(now the ears of my ears awake and<br />
now the eyes of my eyes are opened) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
by e.e. cummings</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Advertisement For the Mountain </b> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>
</b><b><a href="http://exceptindreams.tumblr.com/post/47003405389/1685-advertisement-for-the-mountain-christina-davis" target="_blank"></a></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">There are two versions of every life.<br />
<br />
In the first one, you get a mother, a father,<br />
your very own room.<br />
<br />
You learn to walk, which is only done by walking.<br />
You learn the past tense of have, which is hunger.<br />
<br />
You learn to ask almost anything<br />
is to ask it to be over,<br />
as when the lover asks the other<br />
<br />
“Are you sleeping? Are you beginning<br />
to go away?”<br />
<br />
(And whether or not you learn it, life does not penetrate<br />
more than five miles above the earth<br />
or reach more than three miles beneath the sea.<br />
<br />
Life is eight miles long.<br />
<br />
You could walk it, and be there before sundown.<br />
Or swim it, or fall it, or crawl it.)<br />
<br />
The second is told from the point<br />
of view of the sky.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">by </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Christina Davis</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><b>Untitled </b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I'm never gonna wait</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><b>t</b>hat extra twenty minutes</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">to text you back, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">and I'm never gonna play</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">hard to get</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">when I know your lfie</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">has been hard enough already</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">it's hard to watch</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">the game we make of love</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">like everyone's playing checkers</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">with their scars,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">saying <i>checkmate</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">whenever they get out</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">without a broken heart.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">Just to be clear</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I don't want to get out</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">without a broken heart.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">I intend to leave this life</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">so shattered</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">there's gonna have to be</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">a thousand separate heavens</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">for all my flying parts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">by Andrea Gibson</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-39799672769180463962013-04-04T14:11:00.000-07:002013-04-24T16:20:34.522-07:00National Poetry Month, Part 1! And other things. <div style="text-align: center;">
April is National Poetry Month, and is also now known as the only month where I get in a post a week. I don't know, it just seems so much easier to copy and paste someone else's beautiful words onto my blog than to find where my own words fit. And I can't tell if it's because I'm doing too little to blog about, or too much. Sometimes it feels like both at the same time. I wonder if anyone else feels like they work really hard while they're still just running in place. I feel like I'm never quite moving at the speed of the rest of the world - it's either going to fast for me, or too slow.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think that's where gratitude comes in. Gratitude aligns us, grounds us, forces us to become more present with the tempo of the world again. And lately I've been royally bad at it. So back to the drawing board I go - I started journaling again, under the heading Five Smooth Stones, about five things I'm grateful for each day, so that I can start to slay the Goliath that is selfishness and regret and that last one, that last little thief of joy, Comparison. Comparison, you really suck sometimes. I want to punch you in the face sometimes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I got new acting head shots (which I'll share in a few weeks), and I've been helping out with a family wedding (my family considers me a mini-expert, having just gotten married last October. Shhhh, don't tell them I made it up as I went along.) I started attending acting class again, and attending yoga again, and attending church again, and all that attendance is quite tiring, I have to tell you. I've been good about taking care of others, and crappy about taking care of myself. Looks like I'm in it for the long haul with that last lesson. I updated my acting reel, shot a short film, updated my website, updated my IMDB acting page, and I'm looking at going to acting workshops within the next month or so. I am busy, busy, busy. And I am tired, tired, tired. But I'm learning that gratitude is a verb too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now let's give some other people a turn.</div>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://trucewiththesea.tumblr.com/post/42559645956/another-reminder">another
reminder</a></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the world is heavy<br />
but your bones<br />
(just a cubic inch)<br />
can hold 19,000 lbs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
ounce for ounce<br />
they are stronger than steel</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
atom for atom<br />
you are more precious than diamond</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and stars have died<br />
so that you may live</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you need to remember these things<br />
when you say that you are weak<br />
and worthless</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
by <a href="http://trucewiththesea.tumblr.com/">http://trucewiththesea.tumblr.com</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>for
my mother when she doesn’t feel beautiful</u> </b></span></span> </div>
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<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
don’t worry about your body. <br />
it isn’t as small as it once was, <br />
but honestly, the world needs more of you. <br />
you look in the mirror<br />
like you’ve done something wrong, <br />
but you look perfect. <br />
anyone who says otherwise is telling a lie<br />
to make you feel weak.<br />
and you know better. <br />
you’ve survived every single day,<br />
for as long as you’ve been alive.<br />
you could spit fire if you wanted.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">by <a href="http://clementinevonradics.tumblr.com/">Clementine von Radics</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>the loneliest job in the
world</u> </b></span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
as soon as you begin to ask the question, who loves me?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you are completely screwed, because</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the next question is how much?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and then it is hundreds of hours later,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and you are still hunched over</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
your flowcharts and abacus,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
trying to decide if you have gotten enough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
this is the loneliest job in the world:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to be an accountant of the heart.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it is late at night. you are by yourself,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and all around you, you can hear</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the sounds of people moving</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in and out of love,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
pushing the turnstiles, putting</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
their coins in the slots,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
paying the price which is asked,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
which constantly changes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
no one knows why.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Hoagland">Tony Hoagland</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><u><span style="font-size: large;"><b>we have not come to take prisoners</b></span></u> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">We have not come here to take prisoners,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">But to surrender ever more deeply</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">To freedom and joy.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">We have not come into this exquisite world</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">To hold ourselves hostage from love. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Run my dear, <br />
From anything </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
That may not strengthen </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Your precious budding wings. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Run like hell my dear, <br />
From anyone likely </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
To put a sharp knife </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Into the sacred, tender vision </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Of your beautiful heart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
We have a duty to befriend</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Those aspects of obedience</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
That stand outside of our house</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
And shout to our reason</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
"O please, O please,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Come out and play."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
For we have not come here to take prisoners,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Or to confine our wondrous spirits,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
But to experience ever and ever more deeply</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Our divine courage, freedom and</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Light!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hafez"><b>Hafez</b></a></div>
<br />
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-76136201699689970942013-02-26T14:37:00.002-08:002013-02-26T14:37:58.622-08:00the joy of surfing<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">I don't know about you, but I've been surfing a lot lately.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword"><br /> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">Not, like, surfing-in-the-water-surfing, though. HAHAHAHHA No. Nope. We'll work on that, uh, later. When I have a sense of balance, hand/eye coordination, and can swim. Three things I've heard help one's ability to surf quite a bit.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">No, I've been surfing my career. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword"><br /> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">Someone once explained that having an acting career is a lot like surfing. You train every day, you work hard to make sure you have the ability to ride a wave successfully, should a wave actually come in, and you spend a majority of your day waiting. Waiting for that wave. Gauging how far you can go on it, how far the momentum will carry you. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword"><br /> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">It's tough to disagree with that metaphor. I know some of my more proactive Go Out and Grab Life by the Balls blogger friends are gonna reply, <i>"You have to go out and create waves, not wait for them,"</i> but I think there's a time and place for both attitudes. And a lot of us feel like we're waiting. We do the daily work, we train ourselves to be as skilled as we can in whatever our artistic craft is, and then...we wait. We play the waiting game, waiting for the right opportunity to come along. It takes patience, and an utter love for our art that's so big, that we can get by on one wave a week or month. <i>Did you see that,</i> we crow, after catching the first wave in six weeks. It made all the waiting worth it. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword"><br /> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">But it's tough, to wait, day in and day out. Wondering when the next wave is gonna come, if the payoff is gonna be big enough, if the high we get off of catching that wave is gonna outweigh the six weeks of waiting with very little else to show for it. There's a reason why there's about thirty professional surfers who make huge money with endorsements from surfing, while the other few thousand professional surfers probably can't afford their rent another month if it's all they do.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword"><br /> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="hotword">As an actor, I understand this perfectly. I understand the waiting, and the patience, and not being able to skip a single day of knowing my craft inside and out, just in case that right opportunity comes along when I'm on my B Game instead of my A Game. And that's okay. Because right now, the love still outweighs all of it. Will it next year? In ten years? I don't know. But today, it does.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The hardest part is describing to others what you're doing with your life. If you spend six hours in the water, waiting for some good waves, and didn't really get many that day, how would you describe your day to someone? Would you tell them you did nothing? That you're lazy, because you're waiting, because we live in a culture that doesn't see waiting or patience as very important qualities? A culture that actually looks at waiting as a weakness. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So when I logged in today to tell all of you beautiful people - that I miss quite a bit - what I've been up to for the past month, after struggling to define it on my own head - I came up with: surfing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've been surfing. I've been training every day, actively waiting for those waves to come in, and I've been patiently loving every minute that I sit in the still water between each wave, and the love that's keeping me afloat is the same love that gives me enough courage to go out into the waves, which is the same love that gives me the courage to wait every day and know that it's worth it. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I've been surfing. What have you guys been up to? I'd love to hear about it :)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-Tracy </div>
Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-86998741311592061022013-01-30T14:00:00.001-08:002013-07-11T16:17:53.641-07:00You are loved. Act like it. <div style="text-align: center;">
You know those things you don't do, because you're afraid they won't work out? </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not talking about wandering into traffic, but the Big Stuff - asking the Big questions, making the Big move, taking the Big leap of faith, running towards the Big life - the things we'd like to do to make our lives Bigger and more full of grace and breathing room, but we hesitate because it's damn hard work that requires an extraordinary amount of courage and inertia. And you know how there's no guarantees, and you might just face-plant in front of everyone and it might require that you face-plant a hundred or a thousand ways before you figure out how to stick the landing?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Do it anyway. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Paint that painting or open that art gallery or be the one who says "I love you" first to the person who makes your heart go <i>thump thump thump</i> or choose to have a baby or choose to not have a baby or decide to make the first move or decide to quit that job that makes you miserable or decide to pack up the kids and spouse and travel the world. Do it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Do it because you're loved, by whatever name you choose to call it, God, gods, Allah, Buddha, the Universe, the Great Nothingness, the Colors of the Wind, whatever. You are loved. You were loved into existence by something Pretty Damn Big.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Act like it. </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-70323219808918285952013-01-09T16:20:00.000-08:002013-01-09T16:20:10.292-08:00start again<div style="text-align: center;">
...pretty sure this is going to be my manifesto for 2013. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://loveyourcrookedneighbor.tumblr.com/post/34344583238">amplified
stillness (start again) | buddy wakefield</a></h2>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to end the compulsive habit of thinking and<br />
speaking insecurities. these are not my insecurities. they<br />
were habitual thoughts passed down to me. the<br />
foundation i’ve lain for myself is noble and true of heart<br />
and must be treated as such, with compassion and clarity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to be quiet and let forthcoming answers reveal<br />
themselves without manipulation. the hyper<br />
intellectualization, wordiness, passion and superlatives<br />
(which have often driven the engine in my ego) serve to<br />
fuel distortions of a happy life, or burn up happiness<br />
altogether. i choose to not put another log on that fire.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose patience under pressure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to stay present, to unlearn how to unlove,<br />
to love, and to practice my worthiness of it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose equanimity.<br />
<br />
i breathe deep into the center of my heart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
surround myself with friends and professionals<br />
achieving like-minded success.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
am led to consistently speak with good purpose, react as<br />
a gentleman, not instigating or projecting any foul thing,<br />
and to not internalize the negativity of others so that my<br />
presence is constantly powered by goodwill and grace.<br />
lead me to right choices and right action, not to<br />
participate in any lies about love, and to leave helpful <br />
writing on the wall so that i might pull the next one up.<br />
lead me to pull the next one up with real peace in my<br />
spirit, humor in my peace, and this spinal cord i bummed<br />
off a cephalopod. jus’ kiddin’, cephalopods don’t have<br />
spinal cords. they are bilaterally symmetrical though, and<br />
they collectively possess nearly every super power known<br />
to man, including shape-shifting, pseudo-morphing and<br />
possible teleportation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to savor this moment.<br />
i choose ending knee-jerk reactions to that which i deem<br />
negative, including parking enforcement, cilantro and the<br />
back-up beep on commercial vehicles. for that matter,<br />
there is no need to knee-jerk-react to the positives either.<br />
enjoying them is enough.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose an unassuming nature.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to be held accountable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
thank
you for the vast experiences with which this life has built me.<br />
i am thankful for what is being built.<br />
i know it to be a fine building.<br />
it does not stand in vain<br />
even when it’s riddled with mirrors.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
thank
you for the serenity prayer, and the courage to<br />
follow through with right action, with listening, with<br />
learning and with stillness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to release my hope for a better past, to discontinue<br />
boasting past glories, and to not justify any poor choice<br />
with having lived a hard life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to speak with kindness and acceptance, even to myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to be unapologetic for healthy living.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to be unapologetic for living.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to politely ask myself to step aside if i am in my own way.<br />
if i do not get out of my own way, i choose to call a friend<br />
who will have me removed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to observe how i may best serve today, and then do so.<br />
i choose to better understand service and to live less selfishly.<br />
i choose the nature of giving not greed, stability not<br />
desperation, safe passage as opposed to craving and<br />
clinging.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
witness gifts in the lives around me.<br />
you really are incredible, ya know.<br />
good gravy just look at ya.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose big me big you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose chin up, best foot forward, stick my landings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose a safe place to land.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose feeding myself joy over beating myself up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose not to beat myself up if i trail off course, rather,<br />
gently redirect my breath so that these standards i’ve<br />
accepted for myself are not buried under any unnecessary<br />
weight of any perceived shortcoming.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
“i
choose to not let come out of my mouth that which<br />
would contradict the blessing that is happening in my<br />
life.” – michael bernard beckwith</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i’m
giving myself a break. <br />
enough. <br />
i choose to be enough. <br />
no more ten thousand hours of more more more. <br />
not by force. <br />
this work will not save me. <br />
i release me. <br />
go and have some fun. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br />
i’ve spent so much energy becoming better. <br />
i choose to now live with the better, to yield to the better, to<br />
show you the better, and to let the rest unfold.<br />
i will show up every day.<br />
my failures have led to successes.<br />
it is a time for practicing these successes, and for rest, and for clear
reception.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
may make no decision based on panic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
lead
me away from telling lies, exaggerating truths,<br />
bragging, or manipulating people’s perceptions of me.<br />
these are disservices to my practice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
choose to breathe all known and forthcoming truths at<br />
once, deeply and consistently, inhaling and exhaling<br />
reassurance and understanding, joy and equanimity,<br />
wonderment and revelation, acceptance and integrity,<br />
commitment and flexibility, balance and ownership,<br />
staying present with the moment, observing my<br />
environment, yielding to all that is.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and
when i do not do all of these things forever without<br />
fail, may i be banished to an unforgiving lake of lava shit<br />
for the devil’s fat eternity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
…or,
treat myself to a good meal, some sound sleep, and<br />
another deep breath.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
…or,
call mom, tell her what’s goin’ on, and agree with<br />
anything she might say just to know that i have a mother.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
release my need to be right.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i
know that this is the key to living life as is.<br />
i choose as is.<br />
let god be god.<br />
and let me be still <br />
until thy will is revealed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
nothing
is against me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***************************************** </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Happy new year, everyone. Clean slate, clear eyes, full heart, can't lose. - Tracy</div>
Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-72967035513215570652012-12-27T13:13:00.000-08:002013-07-11T16:18:31.819-07:00all I want this Christmas...<div style="text-align: center;">
This was published in the <a href="http://www.csmonitor.com/">Christian Science Monitor</a> on December 22nd, and it's specifically about the kids in Newtown, Connecticut, but I think it goes further than that. </div>
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We could all use a little bit more of innocence these days. And no, innocence does not equal ignorance. Ignorance is lack - lack of information, of knowledge, of understanding or wanting to understand, of empathy. Innocence is full; full of hope, and a faith in ourselves, in others, and in this world that rings clear and true. It is a firm belief that despite the darkness that feels as if it is growing, it is always light that is winning. </div>
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May the holidays - and the upcoming year - restore your innocence and cause it to light a fire that burns in your heart all year long. </div>
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- Tracy</div>
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<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-2547198535635138142012-12-13T16:50:00.001-08:002012-12-13T16:54:13.680-08:00weddings! pictures! videos! details! exclamation marks! <div style="text-align: center;">
I know that some of you really wanted to see some wedding pictures, but I kept thinking to myself, <i>really? REALLY?</i> Maybe it's because I'm selfish, or because I have the attention span of a breath mint, or because I find it hard to get emotionally invested in the photos of people I don't really know very well, but I was pretty sure you guys wouldn't actually enjoy sifting through a bunch of wedding photos (to be honest, I didn't either. It took a week and a lot of tea to get me through.) So in the spirit of brevity and being aware of the fact that most of you guys have about 2 minutes per blog post, I decided to use the Vimeo video that our photographer, Tanya, put together for us - lots of great photos, plus some footage of Benni and myself dancing like the super dorks that we are, all in about three minutes, so it doesn't suck up too much of your day. I'll also fill you guys in our wedding theme and how the day went down, for you detail-oriented addicts. Sit back and grab some tea!</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="mozallowfullscreen" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/54408606?badge=0" webkitallowfullscreen="webkitallowfullscreen" width="500"></iframe> <br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/54408606">Tracy and Benni</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/tanyagiang">Tanya Giang</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br />
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We ended up making the theme of our wedding Children's Books - it's what we read to each other at night when we first started dating long distance, with Benni being in New York and me in LA. Benni first read <i>The Phantom Tollbooth</i> to me when he found out that I was a terrible sleeper, and to reciprocate I read <i>Where the Sidewalk Ends</i> to him, and then it just sort of blossomed from there. So at our wedding we had ten tables for our guests: <i>The Phantom Tollbooth</i>, <i>Where the Sidewalk Ends</i>, <i>Where the Wild Things Are</i>, <i>Bunnicula</i>, <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, <i>Goodnight Moon</i>, <i>Fantastic Mr. Fox</i>, <i>Cat in the Hat</i>, <i>Danny the Champion of the World</i>, and <i>A Wrinkle in Time</i>. We made the favors separately for each table - we found white matchboxes that slide open, so we printed up miniature book covers, glued them onto the matchboxes, glued magnetic strips onto the back, and then filled them with magnetic poetry so people could have tiny little miniature books - corresponding to what book their table was themed - on their fridge. </div>
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Our wedding was at <a href="http://thevineyardsimi.com/">a vineyard in Simi Valley</a> - we got married in the vineyard's garden, under a white gazebo at the top of a set of stairs, so that everyone down below seated on the grass could see - and then our upstairs reception room was just a few feet away so that we didn't have to worry about guests getting lost or not showing up. Because our wedding was book themed, as decorations we had used books scattered around everywhere - near the food, on the steps leading up to the gazebo, etc. For our centerpieces, we stacked a couple used books and glued them together, then placed hollow books from a craft store on top of of those, and then placed square vases full of autumn-colored flowers in the middle of each table. To save money, we also purchased all of the wine ourselves and placed four bottles at each table, which was more than enough for the 8 or 9 people at each table. </div>
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My flowers were actually paper flowers, made out of three books - <i>Goodnight Moon</i>, <i>Where the Sidewalk Ends</i>, and <i>The Phantom Tollbooth</i> - and they were made by <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/DanasPaperFlowers">an Etsy shop</a> that specializes in making paper flowers. The woman who runs the shop was also kind enough to make a few smaller flowers for me to put in my hair, which I just glued to bobby pins. :)</div>
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We used hollow books a lot, not just for the centerpieces - a hollow "guestbook" held small paper cards that I'd made so people could sign and leave messages for us, we used a larger hollow book for any cards our guests wanted to leave us, and a tiny hollow book also held our rings, which the best man, Benni's father Joe, carried around with him all day. My best friend in the entire world walked me down the aisle. For music, we decided to go nontraditional (surprise surprise), so I walked down the aisle to "<i>I Want to Hold Your Hand</i>" by the Beatles, and we walked down the aisle as husband and wife to "<i>Got to Get You Into My Life</i>", also by the Beatles. Our first dance was to the most perfect song imaginable, Ingrid Michaelson's "<i>You and I</i>." Because we wanted a wedding where people would actually dance, we invited everyone to join us for the last stanza of our First Dance song, then had the DJ immediately play Pink's "<i>Raise Your Glass.</i>" It was a huge success, as was hiring a <a href="http://openairphotobooth.com/">photobooth</a> to keep the guests busy and entertained if they didn't want to dance. </div>
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My dress actually had gold leaves on it, so that tied into our colors of black, white, and gold (like book pages). I changed into a brown leather bomber jacket and brown leather boots for the reception because I like to dance (see: video of me dancing like a super dork) and I cannot.dance. in heels. Cannot, will not, nope.</div>
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For our ceremony, we had four members of the wedding party (two bridesmaids, two groomsmen) read poems by the likes of ee cummings and Shel Silverstein, before Benni and I read vows that we'd handwritten to each other and then exchanged rings. My cousin Tom was our Officiant for the day.</div>
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The food was off-the-hook AMAZING and there was tons of it - butternut squash lasagna, garlic mashed potatoes, Filet Mignon, strawberry and feta salad - and we made it a buffet so that everyone could eat as much as they wanted and didn't have to choose between one main course or another. For dessert, we had cake pops - the baker had them sticking out of vases so they looked like flowers - as well as cheesecake bites and chocolate covered strawberries. And I surprised Benni with a Fudgey the Whale ice cream cake as his groom's cake, and the look on his face - I will never forget how happy he was. </div>
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The whole day was incredibly awesome - just very laid back and drama free (as my friend Stacy said - "Wow, this was an asshole-less wedding! Haven't been to one of those in a while!") and all about celebrating and partying with friends and family. No last minute freak outs or emergencies, just an amazing day celebrated with some of the most fantastic people I could ever ask for to be in my life. </div>
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I think that's about it...I could go on and on but honestly, you all would just die of boredom. So if you have any questions about a vendor because you're planning your own wedding, or you just want to know something else, just email me. I think I've tired you guys out of weddings for quite a while :)</div>
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Oh and - happy holidays. I adore you guys. </div>
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<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-11644207191187398182012-11-20T15:51:00.001-08:002012-11-20T15:53:23.876-08:00giving thanks<div style="text-align: center;">
So it's taken me a bit of time to play catch up with everything going on and make it back here to this blog, as evidenced by the fact that today is my one month wedding anniversary. And now that the wedding is over and people can't ask about it, the two things they DO ask are: <i>"So how's married life?"</i> and <i>"When are you having babies?"</i></div>
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Fun.</div>
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Our wedding photographer left the day after our wedding for the East Coast and promptly got waylaid by Hurricane Sandy, so we're still waiting on photos (I'm not complaining - some people lost their HOMES. I can deal with wedding photo delay for as long as need be.) But we do have one thing to share - a video made my adorable and ridiculously talented husband, who's an editor, so he can do this kind of stuff in his sleep. It's a montage of all our photobooth photos, shot by <a href="http://openairphotobooth.com/?gclid=CJujmMzY3rMCFQmCQgodX3sAyA">Open Air Photobooth</a> (we recommend them 100% for any type of party - they were terrific) and edited to the song we opened our reception with, right after our first dance - Pink's <i>Raise Your Glass</i>. </div>
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So enjoy the video, and please know that I'm grateful for all the love and support you guys have shown me this year - in my ups and downs and wayward trips sideways as I contemplated life, love, wedding planning, hiding under the blankets, and everything in between. I couldn't be more grateful for this little blogging community I have and I'm so grateful for every one of you. If I don't comment more on your blogs, it's not because I'm not reading them or that I don't love catching up on your life, because I do, and if I don't blog more, it's not because I have nothing to say - sometimes it's the exact opposite.</div>
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And while I'm on a gratitude kick, right now I'm grateful for my friends, my family, my husband, my health, my happiness, my job, a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, food in my fridge, electricity in my apartment, a car that works, a phone that works, and about three million other things. I am truly so, so blessed.</div>
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!</div>
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Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-44854256334293023032012-10-22T16:45:00.001-07:002012-10-22T16:46:17.451-07:00So... that happened.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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More pictures to follow later this week, as I've kind of been avoiding life for the last month, so I'm still playing catch up. I promise you'll get more wedding pics though. PROMISE!</div>
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Love and hugs,</div>
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Tracy</div>
Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-28079471115915680762012-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:002012-09-19T16:20:49.301-07:00Summertime (and the living's easy)<div style="text-align: center;">
So some of you were like, stop with the pep talks, give us details about what you did over the summer. And while it took me an absurdly long time to load all the pictures, here you go, kids. Ask and ye shall receive.</div>
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<b>In No Particular Order Because the Summer Flew By So I Can't Remember When Things Happened:</b></div>
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Benni and I attended two concerts, Pixar in Concert at the Hollywood Bowl, and Roger Waters live at the LA Coliseum. Both were incredible shows, and we've got one more concert coming up: Florence and the Machine at the Hollywood Bowl the first weekend in October. SO freakin' excited.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Roger Waters - The Wall - at the LA Coliseum </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pixar in Concert - at the Hollywood Bowl, before the show</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pixar Concert - mid-show</span>. <span style="font-size: x-small;">A full orchestra played the scores to every Pixar movie they've made so far (including <i>Brave</i>!)</span></div>
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I got to take a few Fridays off work and instead bum around at the beach...</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Zuma Beach - Malibu</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Laguna Beach, Orange County</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Sunbathing.</span></div>
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I celebrated getting another year older and not that much wiser ;)</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">yummmmmmy</span></div>
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I finished shooting not one but TWO web-series this summer - <a href="http://www.hellfrozeover.tv/"><i>Hell Froze Over</i></a>, as the lead actress, and a new web-series called <i><a href="http://www.lovestupidseries.com/">Love-Stupid</a>, </i>where I<i> </i>was the production coordinator and had a two episode arc as an actress on <i>Love-Stupid</i>. <i>Hell Froze Over</i> Season 2 will premiere this fall, so stay tuned!!!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMpLhIQDfy7uNu1FWj56CaNWRbkK005k6PJI_ZmK3d4uJBntTNdwD25tq_wL8Xufg_PCYreaVqSj5WPak487UKCQO4zR4_4jCZzSripLxLWzHRchKaIdteMuwFibEPC_AG0KNciaLBu-k/s1600/LoveS.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMpLhIQDfy7uNu1FWj56CaNWRbkK005k6PJI_ZmK3d4uJBntTNdwD25tq_wL8Xufg_PCYreaVqSj5WPak487UKCQO4zR4_4jCZzSripLxLWzHRchKaIdteMuwFibEPC_AG0KNciaLBu-k/s320/LoveS.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Me hard at work with the clapper on the set of Love-Stupid</span>.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeaWdeN9ql-jecAYEDPJYKyNCCyJw14mk8dEprXPLUG7oOHh-z2m-4_ryxB6QP2IgriLVyC5ED1DcF5LRCMi855U2Iwfch1xws70hZbNvDHEWF8DG7t3k_v7KdK2g1WiqzkIfTztqUYuU/s1600/HFO.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeaWdeN9ql-jecAYEDPJYKyNCCyJw14mk8dEprXPLUG7oOHh-z2m-4_ryxB6QP2IgriLVyC5ED1DcF5LRCMi855U2Iwfch1xws70hZbNvDHEWF8DG7t3k_v7KdK2g1WiqzkIfTztqUYuU/s320/HFO.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Me...covered in a dirt for a shot of HFO Season 2. You curious yet?!</span></div>
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We went to the Garden Grove Strawberry Festival to help our friends sell strawberry shortcakes...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3v8QawOsbEl9r5xx0tapJgCCcdqtJIdLe0GU4AU8IBWKcWykrXRGqv3vSZk7BheVgg8bBwDUjsKo764iVdXNlcgprMyq1wWNkWrlZ04klQ_luXqp-8lW-slinvsTfMnDIgIz9bd3uWxw/s1600/Straw1.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3v8QawOsbEl9r5xx0tapJgCCcdqtJIdLe0GU4AU8IBWKcWykrXRGqv3vSZk7BheVgg8bBwDUjsKo764iVdXNlcgprMyq1wWNkWrlZ04klQ_luXqp-8lW-slinvsTfMnDIgIz9bd3uWxw/s320/Straw1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I never wanted to see a strawberry again after that day.</span></div>
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...and maybe squeeze in a few rides too.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWks3RmcHPSOTIYsl8o9q6DpA2Np1fnCZjGBvtO_nrqrhM5tzL7fmw93sHasfXRpYN0Kf6Pyx2kiA1jTdVgjC6txqala7IFW1t0dtjOKTajLUFAZLpwgAReR1XaYue61iIzyaXvdXJiSg/s1600/straw2.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWks3RmcHPSOTIYsl8o9q6DpA2Np1fnCZjGBvtO_nrqrhM5tzL7fmw93sHasfXRpYN0Kf6Pyx2kiA1jTdVgjC6txqala7IFW1t0dtjOKTajLUFAZLpwgAReR1XaYue61iIzyaXvdXJiSg/s320/straw2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">swings!</span></div>
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And we had our lovely friends throw us an engagement party! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_buI0T-mAUfFhuZROcOSgwVeNw-DtchRi1opypJPc0owGDFwMJjkG6BmYJZVWYdyJRDPtLPnUu4oXjCs_p-7iDOfAU0C4IaJiP5a-bohLkvGJmpAE3EKMC9IZeKaCJoxC6E_JVhY2g_0/s1600/Eng.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_buI0T-mAUfFhuZROcOSgwVeNw-DtchRi1opypJPc0owGDFwMJjkG6BmYJZVWYdyJRDPtLPnUu4oXjCs_p-7iDOfAU0C4IaJiP5a-bohLkvGJmpAE3EKMC9IZeKaCJoxC6E_JVhY2g_0/s320/Eng.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I feel short.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcl0tqjGkzgPI6gMci-US9-3wLGo5vkUaGum5BC2xN_OvpIqDjWRwiR2RhdD-TkOIgpppHqjefkDXvea2xrHchrW-MzgdArDn8TuxeqAL9qG53ZVDTHd8Bd8HRetZr4oIDo8eyD_rcz4U/s1600/Eng3.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcl0tqjGkzgPI6gMci-US9-3wLGo5vkUaGum5BC2xN_OvpIqDjWRwiR2RhdD-TkOIgpppHqjefkDXvea2xrHchrW-MzgdArDn8TuxeqAL9qG53ZVDTHd8Bd8HRetZr4oIDo8eyD_rcz4U/s320/Eng3.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Sunlight and love.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIkonkKD1D47hHPyseV1-MLCePAV6YZkHAPQdKTQbEnBQwj143FVGu3f-cxy61_OLcFJPIL2gsrYeRbFL6kqK4J0N5JJW4U_xUdD74X_dT8DagFyNL-y-ldHxgvFRpkJqw-dvj8WdhENc/s1600/Eng2.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIkonkKD1D47hHPyseV1-MLCePAV6YZkHAPQdKTQbEnBQwj143FVGu3f-cxy61_OLcFJPIL2gsrYeRbFL6kqK4J0N5JJW4U_xUdD74X_dT8DagFyNL-y-ldHxgvFRpkJqw-dvj8WdhENc/s320/Eng2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Bridesmaids made of PURE AWESOME - Lira and Stacy.</span></div>
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I continued acting, writing and producing - with two of my favorite people, Lira and April - on a show by, about, and for women - called <a href="http://itsourtimeofthemonth.blogspot.com/">Our Time of the Month</a>. We perform one show a month, and so far, audience turnout has been fantastic.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Z9JFkrftrsaUddAlubWohYqljvKfgY2S-JRJoktTzvAocM2ydt4YatNCUHIoMgk6DMfe_4VT4A84NbRMbFcGW6SaTpgJNGBw1U20nsHb3wuLujb0CAaiTT7XKITMHDvNPa1nC8eL4L4/s1600/OT.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Z9JFkrftrsaUddAlubWohYqljvKfgY2S-JRJoktTzvAocM2ydt4YatNCUHIoMgk6DMfe_4VT4A84NbRMbFcGW6SaTpgJNGBw1U20nsHb3wuLujb0CAaiTT7XKITMHDvNPa1nC8eL4L4/s320/OT.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Yay!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz0lwemGM5jBYfur3sZxlkdDFVbw-oRTpH21u6OaM4-XaLi1Yl1-8eO-jEJhe40_R9sYAKAtANVMrGf6NzOyRn17TTUvW069YKTO060kiVlUiSd2mxmxmbPonVD97gkJemQ_hf2Nkzr6A/s1600/OT2.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz0lwemGM5jBYfur3sZxlkdDFVbw-oRTpH21u6OaM4-XaLi1Yl1-8eO-jEJhe40_R9sYAKAtANVMrGf6NzOyRn17TTUvW069YKTO060kiVlUiSd2mxmxmbPonVD97gkJemQ_hf2Nkzr6A/s320/OT2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Dorking it up with April, left, and Lira, on the right.</span></div>
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Benni and I went to San Diego Comic Con again this year - this time with me dressed as Starbuck from <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlestar_Galactica_%282004_TV_series%29"><i>Battlestar Galactica</i></a>, and him dressed as Anders. Yes, we're nerds. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVlzJKdE69Ihf5DaJ8jAF8tnDybp-07FgIeMafaWY68NX88gpegR5MjBoXlFvc5EQdkuappqfOSU1CYp3rzy5jS-rJWGJ3evGIyRoc2Xma27Sw71xiIkItClZ1G6UVBEQz6sxT49XZwYo/s1600/CC1.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVlzJKdE69Ihf5DaJ8jAF8tnDybp-07FgIeMafaWY68NX88gpegR5MjBoXlFvc5EQdkuappqfOSU1CYp3rzy5jS-rJWGJ3evGIyRoc2Xma27Sw71xiIkItClZ1G6UVBEQz6sxT49XZwYo/s320/CC1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Anders and Starbuck, sittin' in a tree...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo4utbbXqEqR2UuxqfOlzSwMDtzEw4l_xTNnJ5SqDedssIyoQ5n8dJQghaGo_chebILoRSs4dIVV0_UNBwFKf3nKcl3NiUZ1zIy2MKp_DXMKI8h8fQZfGkTIuue-kVc6hKQaDEx2j7t3o/s1600/CC2.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo4utbbXqEqR2UuxqfOlzSwMDtzEw4l_xTNnJ5SqDedssIyoQ5n8dJQghaGo_chebILoRSs4dIVV0_UNBwFKf3nKcl3NiUZ1zIy2MKp_DXMKI8h8fQZfGkTIuue-kVc6hKQaDEx2j7t3o/s320/CC2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The Hulk - made completely out of LEGO's. Awesome!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb1ck9kdhBqcyR6AEmL1BZmrv4unyKt7V6zD3xEF4oWbpqKlnvCEMMgTROpK-aoWJiBusihQKNrAAvf6oWA8N0seXIgU6Xzp2HZq1rCIMutv5ecU-aowyUcKOqyo7GQC2VVvh5K28bw80/s1600/CC3.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb1ck9kdhBqcyR6AEmL1BZmrv4unyKt7V6zD3xEF4oWbpqKlnvCEMMgTROpK-aoWJiBusihQKNrAAvf6oWA8N0seXIgU6Xzp2HZq1rCIMutv5ecU-aowyUcKOqyo7GQC2VVvh5K28bw80/s320/CC3.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Now that I got see the <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefly_%28TV_series%29">Firefly</a></i> cast in person during a Comic Con panel, I can die happy. From left to right: Alan Tudyk, Nathan Fillion, Joss Whedon, Summer Glau. SHINY! </span></div>
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I booked a modeling job for <a href="http://www.mydevacurl.com/">DevaCurl</a> - a hair product specifically designed for girls who have curly hair. It was a two day print job in Culver City, and I had a blast - everyone was so friendly and just really fun to work with. I'd shoot again with them any day! I think I'll be on the products themselves as before and after shots.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx3xeuTl8i-9O6IrmzWxe04TBoyLv3uFaQZCQcLir-zQgvwlDW3Xa7qj3Knhk1w_r25ZIELXQjHJXFERhC2jXmanNb4TCYJT-F0J-cs2iPEILPeIqE3rQU-_5jEjmixSV2ALVxJaCFsME/s1600/modeling2.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx3xeuTl8i-9O6IrmzWxe04TBoyLv3uFaQZCQcLir-zQgvwlDW3Xa7qj3Knhk1w_r25ZIELXQjHJXFERhC2jXmanNb4TCYJT-F0J-cs2iPEILPeIqE3rQU-_5jEjmixSV2ALVxJaCFsME/s320/modeling2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Before.</span> <span style="font-size: x-small;">How about that mustache, am I right??</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0ddM5oT4iayOqJKyQcNFR99wlCUy9QkluA3h5W3kZAepZ0udWOtUq8vy2SjlfLRKsks0H-NW-iDUI6SIbNfhR3QC67E4rL-au05rhiCX_-hXar95_usIM8GfIW72KMFCXa59KGXXaMaw/s1600/modeling1.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0ddM5oT4iayOqJKyQcNFR99wlCUy9QkluA3h5W3kZAepZ0udWOtUq8vy2SjlfLRKsks0H-NW-iDUI6SIbNfhR3QC67E4rL-au05rhiCX_-hXar95_usIM8GfIW72KMFCXa59KGXXaMaw/s320/modeling1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">After. With a lot more makeup and hair product. Oooof.</span></div>
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We mailed our invitations and got a bunch of other wedding-y stuff done, including finishing the favors, the centerpieces, buying wine for the event, making signs and table assignments...phew! We still have a little bit of stuff left to do, but we're in really good shape and way ahead of schedule. Our wedding is children's book themed, so we used a lot of used books for our centerpieces, signs, table assignments, and our guest book. It's not all finished yet but I promise you'll get pictures after the wedding! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibmvm3DwP3BzOGgOSL6gsLGVhHto9slGjdS6YO7evRIH28IPIvXazBJSfiioJuVjPTuqktDLiOkMUig-d0pD4jxVSZHhJqlAygKhlb7HFtsfr1xPqVcYyHhYrDSJUpb7NcYGuDqMy6OG8/s1600/wedding1.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibmvm3DwP3BzOGgOSL6gsLGVhHto9slGjdS6YO7evRIH28IPIvXazBJSfiioJuVjPTuqktDLiOkMUig-d0pD4jxVSZHhJqlAygKhlb7HFtsfr1xPqVcYyHhYrDSJUpb7NcYGuDqMy6OG8/s320/wedding1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">invitations</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl5D5R3ZCAL7HTBhmZzgOYUTgLm3Oy-yh4Lmalhcsbz6FZAvuCzoCqzbr_iCc1OO1nhbYQfM8YbtA6XHCBWFlxHsu_DofaSdwgqKtsuTz-5pFmRT__vTMKaSmpKTDuAoknzvzklYNxjG4/s1600/wedding2.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl5D5R3ZCAL7HTBhmZzgOYUTgLm3Oy-yh4Lmalhcsbz6FZAvuCzoCqzbr_iCc1OO1nhbYQfM8YbtA6XHCBWFlxHsu_DofaSdwgqKtsuTz-5pFmRT__vTMKaSmpKTDuAoknzvzklYNxjG4/s320/wedding2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Used book stores are our friends. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKr-oayylVLh2NCW-E6F7nx1qsPZ-Fxn1DPvAk67Y4LLNx_d0oIXbHr5o4Q7FX8tEyzQYAg6eN1s83ILUxwpsxPFykdfUGV-xcKw-MSvtvwlLqPnFgM27iHPW1fU0OmwCQdV2XRE3kj5g/s1600/wedding3.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKr-oayylVLh2NCW-E6F7nx1qsPZ-Fxn1DPvAk67Y4LLNx_d0oIXbHr5o4Q7FX8tEyzQYAg6eN1s83ILUxwpsxPFykdfUGV-xcKw-MSvtvwlLqPnFgM27iHPW1fU0OmwCQdV2XRE3kj5g/s320/wedding3.JPG" width="320" /></a> </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Paper heart cut-outs for the guest book. </span></div>
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I went camping - twice. Once to Joshua Tree National Park for the Perseid Meteor shower that happened in August, and again last week, when my family and I made our annual trek out to Yosemite National Park for a week. My hiking boots are happy again.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZPiFmfMl628T4dwTIThazMA_K_gB_IGbaks2Ff0xGojh6cgcIqTS_E2pEX2xcR5B9UI0YC-hcGhJ58jZBSbC8-x8SthJpMIwXJhnyuCywbIQysK_NIrgPiyaTVFrCmNWisHRHOqMExa4/s1600/Yos1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZPiFmfMl628T4dwTIThazMA_K_gB_IGbaks2Ff0xGojh6cgcIqTS_E2pEX2xcR5B9UI0YC-hcGhJ58jZBSbC8-x8SthJpMIwXJhnyuCywbIQysK_NIrgPiyaTVFrCmNWisHRHOqMExa4/s320/Yos1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Merced River, Yosemite National Park</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Half Dome </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Sunset in Yosemite</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Sunset in the rear-view mirror, Joshua Tree National Park </span></div>
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And that was my summer not-quite-a-vacation. I'm about to get very busy and go into full wedding mode (the wedding is one month from tomorrow) so you'll have forgive me if I fall off the planet again. But there will be pictures when I get back - OH YES - there will be! </div>
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Hugs,</div>
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Tracy</div>
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<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-85881921334420206522012-09-11T14:48:00.000-07:002012-09-11T14:48:35.522-07:00Keep Going<div style="text-align: center;">
Last week (I know, two posts in one month, look at me overachieving like an overachiever!) I posted about the general emotional state of where I was at, but for some of you (cough cough <a href="http://bathunderground.blogspot.com/">Bath</a> cough) that's just not good enough, no, you want a laundry list of what I've been up to this summer.</div>
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And I was gonna post it too, in all its boring glory (it involves a lot of talking about how hollow books are actually a super pain in the ass to make and I don't recommend anyone ever in the entirety of their life deciding to create THIRTY OF THEM as centerpieces for a wedding, also if I ever see modgepodge or an Xacto knife again before I'm ninety years old it will be too soon) but then I realized that today is September 11th and while I'm not held hostage to the tragedy of it anymore and I do my best to ignore the way it's been politicized by both parties, it felt weird to be like, "Today is September 11th! Here is how my wedding is coming along!"</div>
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So instead, I'm posting a poem, and then I'm packing my boots and my swiss army knife and my sleeping bag and my sunblock and an obscene amount of marshmallows and my family into three cars and we are driving up to Yosemite. And everything will be restored and I will take deep breaths and surer steps and yes, I will avoid the Plague Mice and maybe when I come back it won't be 100 degrees in LA and THEN I will post about the boring laundry list of what I've been up to this summer.</div>
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Have a wonderful week, everyone.</div>
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milk inside | Sarah Wetzel</h2>
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<span>I wake, having lost track </span><br /><span>of the hours, a woman in the seat </span><br /><span>next to me weeping </span><br /><span>delicately, the thin </span><br /><span>blue current of her shoulders </span><br /><span>almost indistinguishable </span><br /><span>from the shudders of the plane. </span><br /><em>I’m not usually like this</em><span>, she says, </span><br /><span>shifting eyes from mine </span><br /><span>to the window. I tell her, </span><em>At times<br />we are all like this</em><span>, turning </span><br /><span>to the book in my lap. </span><br /><span>What I want to tell her is</span><br /><em>Stop</em><span>. I’ve grown so impatient </span><br /><span>with misery. In the book, a man </span><br /><span>descends thirty-six thousand feet </span><br /><span>below sea level to stare </span><br /><span>at the deepest spot of the world. </span><br /><span>Through his tiny portal cracking </span><br /><span>under the enormous pressure </span><br /><span>of ocean, he says the snuff-colored </span><br /><span>ooze at the bottom resembles </span><br /><em>a big bowl of milk</em><span>. We think </span><br /><span>we know misery </span><br /><span>yet can’t speak eloquently </span><br /><span>of even such a visible chasm. </span><br /><span>Inside this plane nothing happens. </span><br /><span>We are hundreds of miles</span><br /><span>off course, our shape we recognize </span><br /><span>only by the shadow </span><br /><span>following. The woman stares out </span><br /><span>the window, waiting for something </span><br /><span>that won’t come. She rises </span><br /><span>then sits back down. </span><br /><span>What I mean to tell her is </span><br /><em>Keep going.</em></div>
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Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-31037496393059752612012-09-05T16:53:00.000-07:002013-01-09T16:20:44.721-08:00semper ad melioraIf you're like me, you thrive off the fight - the kind that brings change. You feed off of it. You don't wish for an easier life; you wish for better walls to climb and wars to kill and people to save. You choose the hard way on purpose, you draw your lines in the ground where people refuse to take a position, and above all, you run towards the fire. <a href="http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/Always_the_beautiful_answer_who_asks_a_more_beautiful_question./122258/">You ask the beautiful questions.</a> You like to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mizuta_Masahide">burn down the barn every once in a while just to see the moon</a>. You take <a href="http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-road-not-taken/">the road less traveled by</a>, you push yourself when others would indulge you, and you know that nothing good comes without a gorgeous, knockdown fight.<br />
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It's not because we don't want things to be easy, though, if you're like me. That we wouldn't love to lie down, to sleep through the night, to accept what life drops on our laps with grace and gratitude. To believe that our lives, our homes, our loved ones are untouchable. It's not because we don't want those things.<br />
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It's because we don't believe in them. The safe meadows with sunshine streaming down and porches with lemonade... we'd love to stay, it sounds lovely, really, but we've seen too many storms to believe that the calm is anything other than the warning beforehand. We exist in a war zone, and if there is no war to be found, we'll make one ourselves. Just finished building it? Good. Now tear it down. We want to see what's behind that door, over that mountain, inside that holy book. <a href="http://areidcuriosity.blogspot.com/">Curiosity may have killed the cat,</a> but at least it lived ten lives first. Every other animal only gets one. <br />
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Summer feels like a lie to me - <i>hey baby, it's all good and groovy, let's just chill by the pool</i>, <i>there's nothing to stress about</i>- and when autumn rolls around I'm relieved. Change is coming. The stagnancy I felt during the LA summer will retreat back into the darkness and the part of me that wanted a mighty shove so I could pick myself up off the ground, dust off my bloody knees, and cock my fists thinks <i>finally. Finally. Let's do this.</i><br />
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It is my firm belief that there are two types of people in this world: fighter and healer. You can have a little of both - most somewhat well-adjusted people do - but you pick the way you approach the world and it's either with hands open in acceptance or hands clenched and swinging. The world needs both, and healers don't have it any easier than fighters, in fact I think they have it harder, because everyone's been through storms and it takes a specific kind of courage to sit in that field and believe in its beauty without wondering when the next lightening strike is gonna happen. But fighters have courage of their own, and <a href="http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/emilydickinson/10244">when their nerve denies them, they go above their nerve.</a><br />
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During the summer, I had nothing to fight for, and so I had nothing to say. Now that autumn is coming, change is in the air, and it feels good. Good, good things are happening, and are going to continue to happen, when I burn down the barn yet again the view will be beautiful.<br />
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The healers I keep in my life - and you know who you are - I thank you, again and again, for keeping me balanced and sane and for being in my corner and helping me unclench my fists every once in a while to enjoy the good things that will come and land in my open palms. <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/search?q=i+choose+the+labyrinth">The labyrinth blows, but I choose it.</a> And, like all of you, I am moving always towards better things, and I'll meet you at the next rest stop.Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-18452075840192392912012-08-07T16:53:00.000-07:002012-08-07T16:58:13.900-07:00tilt-shiftSometimes I think my brain is like a camera. Besides the fact that I do have a slightly photographic memory (nothing cool or helpful, by the way, it just takes "pictures" of random words on websites or book pages I'm skimming and then I have to go FIND THE WORD or I go insane), my brain has an insane zoom lens that is able to single-handedly wipe out everything else that is going on in my life and, with laser focus, shine a thousand points of light (or darkness) on any given situation. It's this astonishing lack of perspective that I live with on an everyday basis, and sometimes it just kicks my ass into my teeth. My yoga teacher asks, "How are you going to get yourself through this moment?" when we are sometimes in a difficult pose, and I raise my eyes to her in a sort of silent <i>you tell me</i> because damned if I know. I have no idea how to get myself from one moment to the next sometimes, and it alarms me, my lack of perspective. <br />
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Yesterday I came face to face with someone else who shared my fabulously craptastic lack of perspective, in LA traffic of all places, and he purposely tried to run me into oncoming traffic with his car. I was deeply afraid, incredibly pissed off, but most of all ashamed for my part of what had happened. Had I done anything violent, stupid or illegal to him? No. But I could have done better. I could have put up with his bullying and just moved over into the next lane to let him pass, as I do for so many other bullies in this town. Because in LA, the person who is the most insane driver, who cares the least for the safety of others, who is the most selfish, wins, up until the day he or she dies in a car wreck, and you just hope to God you're not around on the day that bully's time runs out. My perspective failed me in the worst way possible, and I almost paid a very dear price for it.<br />
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But other times my perspective is sharp and clear, with minimal soft-focus on everything that's going on around me. I'm planning a wedding, which has kept me plenty busy, and yet I'd say my stress level, on a scale of one to ten, is probably a three. (I'll get back to you in a month.) But I intuitively know that a wedding is not supposed to be stressful to plan or execute - no matter how many times people have told me otherwise in a sing-songy voice. I'm not supposed to go through a year of hell just to have one perfect day. It just doesn't work that way, even if I believed perfect days actually exist, which I don't. And while it seems that I get to watch everyone else lose perspective around me, I feel like Cassandra, the prophet no one believes, telling them it's going to be just fine. Because, honestly, if Benni and I end up married at the end of the day... it's a good day. <br />
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Perspective is scale. It's measuring things against each other, weighing each moment's importance, and being able to toss out what is taking up more energy than it should. It's comparison, it's asking <i>Well is this as important as that?</i> and it's figuring out each moment's place among all the other moments in your life. I<i>s this what you want to focus on?</i> perspective asks, lightly touching each moment like it's in a store, poking fingers into soft sweaters. <i>How about this one? And this one? </i><br />
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It's up to us to have the discerning eye. We cannot grab every moment and treat it as equal, and there are some moments of such utmost important and magnitude that they demand we put down EVERYTHING and simply stop and pay attention. The moment I tell Benni that I will be his wife for the rest of my days is important; the way the napkins on the reception tables are folded is not. The way I treat every person with kindness and respect while driving, whether they deserve it or not, is important. Making a bully embarrassed about the fact that he's a bully is not, in the grand scheme of things, that essential.<br />
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Perspective is the art of weighing and measuring and categorizing each moment in our life - and yes, how we are going to get through it - and we are the artist, and our lives are the canvas. And it is the work of a lifetime.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calvin_and_Hobbes">Calvin and Hobbes,</a> by Bill Watterson)</span></div>Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-86849102375990152412012-07-12T11:51:00.001-07:002012-07-12T11:51:41.221-07:00I'm not dead/just floating (again)Sometimes the most unnerving aspect of life is when we take a step back to get perspective and, in doing so, we recognize the patterns in our life. I was trying to come up with a title for this post and kept coming back to the title from that song by Pink - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LpMsK-QmmA">I'm Not Dead, Just Floating</a>. And then I realized I'd used that post title before, so I went and found the other, older post and read all about how I was in a bad place and wasn't blogging or sleeping well and was sorry for pushing people away and not talking about it. It was from July 2011.<br />
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So here we are, full circle. Another July post with the same title, same issues. It's tempting to feel discouraged, to feel like I haven't moved forward or progressed much in a year. That my patterns are just endlessly, mindlessly repeating themselves. That I'm walking down the same street, making the same mistakes, falling into the same holes. That I've got no one but myself to blame for the record-skipping that happens in my life.<br />
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But nothing feels farther from the truth, actually.<br />
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Yes, I still have the personality of someone who doesn't like to ask for help or talk about it. I might always have that. Yes, I suck at blogging on a consistent level. Life keeps me busy enough that I might always do that too. But sleeping is getting easier. Stretching is getting easier. Breathing is getting easier. I am back to doing martial arts, even if it's not as often as I'd like, and I started yoga, and God help us if I don't become a yoga enthusiast by the end of the year with how wonderful it feels, even when I'm doing Pigeon Pose and trying to flip off my instructor at the same time (SPOILER ALERT: it's hard to give someone the bird while doing yoga. Just thought you should know). The strength that I feel, that I <i>remember from before</i>, is coming back and it feels fantastic.<br />
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One of my earliest (good) memories of spending time with my family is while hiking. As a family we were a mess. Angry, violent, crappy at communicating. But when we went up into the hills by our house in New Hampshire to pick berries in the summertime, somehow we were able to put our shit aside. Something about being outdoors, about putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe it's that when you're on the side of a mountain with four other people you don't understand and don't particularly like and actually wonder how on earth you came to be related to them, you also realize you can't just leave them there. That you're all in it together.<br />
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Or maybe it's perspective. Maybe when you're on the side of a mountain you realize how small you and everyone else is, and the things that you thought mattered don't actually matter all that much. And the anger that usually tightens up your shoulders and jaws just leaves, because you don't have the time or energy for it.<br />
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I kept hiking, long after we moved from New Hampshire, whether it was in national parks or deep in the hills of Santa Ana or Angeles Crest Forest or trendy Runyon Canyon in LA. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, taking each step one at a time, listening to my breath and my body telling me what I needed at that moment. <i>Rest or keep going? Rest or keep going? Rest or keep going? </i>I would slowly ascend up mountains, circling around, seeing the same view but each time from a little bit higher perspective. And regardless of whether or not I got as far as I would have liked, I enjoyed the journey and what I learned about myself along the way.<br />
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I like to think hiking is the perfect analogy for life. I am higher, much higher up the mountain than I was last July, and though the view looks the same the perspective has shifted. I am stronger now than I was a year ago, and next year I'll look at the same place from an even higher viewpoint and there will be no loss, just gain upon gain upon gain. As for the <i>rest or keep going</i> question, I rested for a few weeks, and now it's time to keep going again. The burnout I felt was a response to pushing myself to do daily uninteresting tasks that will nonetheless yield very great rewards, and I simply needed to step back and get perspective on why I'm doing the things I'm doing and to enjoy the journey, not just the rewards. And finally, to set aside non-negotiable time for myself to do things that rejuvenated, refreshed, and inspired me. Yoga. Naps. Gratitude lists. Prayer. Poetry. Lunch time walks. Good books. I can feel the changes happening under my skin as I take my time for myself. My lungs and heart expand. My fists unclench. My shoulders are less heavy.<br />
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The girl who wrote the blog post a year ago probably felt a lot more trapped than I do today, and hadn't quite learned yet that she needed to take care of herself just a little bit better. I am miles away from that girl. <br />
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I'm not scared/just changing.<br />
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-23061978668569768952012-06-20T16:38:00.000-07:002012-06-20T16:38:37.448-07:00Peanut butter, four rooms, and random facts<div style="text-align: center;">
I've been having a hard time being creative lately. I don't know why, exactly, but it feels like... it feels like I'm dry inside. Like peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth. Can't write, don't feel like acting, and my words just don't come out right, even when I'm talking.</div>
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I'm not really sure what this means. I am getting lousy sleep, that's for sure, which Benni helpfully diagnosed as "Nightmare Insomnia" the other day. It means I don't have any trouble falling asleep, but a few hours later, I will wake up screaming and crying from a bad dream, then go back to sleep, then wake up from another bad dream. My brain just isn't processing things right. I'll put it this way - I'm sleeping as much as I drive each day - about two hours. I have the patience of a 2 year old that's permanently in need of just a really good nap. And since sleep and appetite are linked, I haven't been eating much either. Joy.</div>
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BUT - I have started working out lately. Which is a GREAT thing. I already feel stronger. I started up again with Escrima (Filipino knife fighting) and found an instructor who combines Escrima with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wing_Chun">Wing Chun</a> (a hand-to-hand form of martial arts that utilizes grappling mostly), so that's been challenging and fun. And, for those days when I'm NOT feeling violent, I took up Yoga. I had my first class on Monday. </div>
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I have an inkling that my dry spell has something to do with the Four Rooms. This quote sums it up best: <em> </em></div>
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<em>There is an Indian proverb or axiom that says that everyone is a
house with four rooms, a physical, a mental, an emotional, and a
spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time but,
unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired,
we are not a complete person. - Rumer Godden in <strong>A House with Four Rooms</strong></em></div>
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I definitely only live in one room at a time. And visit the others, oh, every other month, maybe. I tend to be very singularly focused - get one thing done at a time. Problem is, life doesn't exactly work that way. I can't be awesome at 1/4th of my life and then ignore the other 3/4ths all the time. It's just not balanced.</div>
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So my new goal is to go into each room at least once a day and take care of something - anything - that I can in that area. I'll let you know how it works out. In the meantime, I've decided not to push. All my life I've pushed myself, and rarely just stayed in a place that was sucky and uncomfortable. Doesn't work anymore. So here I am, sitting in it, letting it wade around my ankles, and hopefully it'll move along sometime soon. And I know I've sucked at leaving comments and posting because I sit in front of the monitor after reading all of your posts and... nothing comes out. Nothing. Just...nothing. I am dried up inside. It's weird.</div>
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To make up for this being the most boring post in the history of blogging, I thought I'd make a list of five facts about me that you might not know. Because maybe if I'm an interesting person that'll make up for it. <i>(Fingers crossed.)</i></div>
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1) I don't like to waste time on books I don't like. If I can't connect with it, I don't care how many people rave about it (<i>Finnegan's Wake</i>, anyone?), I won't finish it. Life is short. Spend it on the books that move you to tears or make you shake with laughter. This goes for movies too, only the rule I apply here is - no dead animals. I don't care how beautiful the story is or if it has the best acting in the world. If the main animal dies at the end of the movie, no, screw you, you can't make me watch it. I won't. Animals die horribly every day. I don't need Disney movies to drive the point home. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
2) All my life I thought what I wanted out of a partner was someone who would sit through the entire credits of a movie with me; someone who would hold my hand while one of us was driving; someone who would sit in silence and listen to the entire song I just told him that he NEEDED to listen to without interrupting or moving on in the conversation. But I got it only half-right - what I really wanted was someone who just naturally did these things, someone who did them before I had to ask him to do them, because it was just who he was. And now that I'm with that guy, it's pretty damn awesome.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
3) I'm thinking about shutting this blog down. Because it feels like this world is just kind of over it, you know? No one cares anymore. Having followers used to mean that they'd actually comment. And maybe that's my fault for creating inconsistent, stilted content that doesn't exactly inspire people to visit or leave feedback. But maybe a fresh start is what I need. Not sure. I think I'll give it to the end of the year and if I don't sense anything but a huge wave of apathy when it comes to my blog, maybe I'll just shut it down and invite the 25 or so of you (you know who you are) who have become my blogger family to go meet me in a field somewhere else, under a different blog name. I guess we'll see.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
4) Part of what I meant by <i>the words don't come out right </i>can be applied to my last post. I think people interpreted it that the moral of that story was: accept that you're a doormat, then continue being a doormat. Oops. I suck. That's not what I meant to say at all. What I meant to say is: when you love yourself unconditionally, you stop putting up with other people's shit. Which is exactly what happened, and that particular ASS in my life now floats in a completely different boat, in a completely different ocean, than where I am. This person lost all ability to affect me in any way because I took the first step in accepting myself unconditionally and then looking at this person with compassion and saying, "You don't deserve to have my attention." And it was that simple. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
5) I have a random fear of dropping important papers down into the crack between the floor and the elevator. I can't explain it, and I don't think they've named it as a proper phobia yet, but every time I'm in an elevator and I am carrying papers, I clutch them tight to my chest like a freak and take a huge step over the elevator/floor crack of doom.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I never claimed I was normal.</div>
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-57629078314946734052012-06-05T16:56:00.000-07:002012-06-05T16:57:01.740-07:00wholeheartedness<div style="text-align: center;">
I won't lie in that there aren't some times that I'd like to punch my heart in the face. My whole heart - my wholeheartedness.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
*************************</div>
I am sitting in therapy like a good person does, because depression is like acne, in that when you follow the right routine and everything clears up you are tempted to go, "Look! I'm fine! I don't need to do this anymore!" and you are tempted to think you are no longer a person who has acne and/or depression, and then you stop following your routine and everything goes to hell, including but not limited to your face. And your heart.<br />
<br />
I am telling my therapist about the astonishingly selfish someone who has popped back up into my life, the one that I would love to cut off from my life and never see again but unfortunately, sometimes life just doesn't work that way. Astonishingly Selfish Someone (A.S.S., see what I did there?) is yanking my emotional chain, and man, all I want to do is unhook and then wrap that chain right back around that person's neck. Not very loving of me, but I'm tired and I don't like being manipulated and I'm allergic to Passive Aggressive and I came to the theory a few days back that no one, besides your children, should take up as much energy as the person you're sleeping with. If you have people in your life that take up more emotional energy than your significant other, then you should ditch them.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, this theory doesn't work, because Benni is possibly the most low-key, chill man on the planet. I think a stick is actually more high-maintenance than Benni. <br />
<br />
<i>I hate my heart</i> <i>sometimes</i>, I say. And my therapist gets it. She does. She knows that the life I live, where I lead with my heart, where I stay awake at night and try to think of ways to save yet another shelter animal that I saw about to get put to sleep on Facebook, where I get angry at injustice and devastated at death and loss and the way I wear my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see, that it doesn't exactly make me feel like a winner a lot of the time. In fact, most days I think I got the losing end of the deal. I tell her so. She nods.<br />
<br />
<i>Let me ask you this, though</i> - she asks - <i>who would you rather be? Would you rather be an ASS, an astonishingly selfish someone, or would you rather be you?</i><br />
<br />
I'd rather be me.<br />
<br />
So this post is for you. If you came here on purpose, if you're a regular follower and commenter, and you needed this today - it's for you. If you came here on accident, if you stumbled upon this because you were looking for steampunk pictures (that post still gets like 34 hits a day, which blows my mind, but also makes me want to hug the entire internet that much more), and then you read this post - it's for you.<br />
<br />
It's for every single one of you who worries that you care too much, too deeply, about the stupid things in life, those of you who wish you could check out and not want to make things better or try to fix people. It's for the people who know they are being taken advantage of but keep caring anyway because what's the alternative? Turn into someone you're not? <br />
<br />
It's for those of you who know what it feels like to love people and know that they don't quite know how yet to return that amount of love, so they just keep taking and you just keep giving because you are you and you will never stop being you.<br />
<br />
We are told everyday that the cool kids are the ones who don't care about others, who don't look up from their own lives to make one iota of effort to make someone else's life ever so slightly easier, that the best way to get ahead is to step on others and eat each other alive. <br />
<br />
I wasn't ever a cool kid. Never will be. Give me my heart, my whole heart, my wholeheartedness. I will wear it proudly, and I will be vulnerable with joy.<br />
<br />
I'd rather be me.<br />
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-91530429353899775342012-05-15T14:25:00.001-07:002012-05-15T14:27:00.660-07:00the unbearable lightness of beingConsider yourself warned that this post will have no neat beginning, middle, and end, no moral to the story, no general theme lined with specific examples, none of the stuff that I usually strive for in my posts. My mother, who is a professional writer, would be ashamed. But I've been busy - busy working, busy chasing my own tail, busy being busy, trying to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish my goals in a linear fashion of when projects are due versus which project has people attached to it that like to scream and wave their hands frantically at me and insist on being the center of my universe.<br />
<br />
What I would like to be doing: catching up on episodes of Revenge. Eating my weight in ice cream. Working off the ice cream by doing Yoga or something else that might make me feel strong and healthy and be able to stop my brain from doing the Neurotic Tango when the lights go out - three things I haven't felt or done in a long time. <br />
<br />
What I am doing instead: memorizing lines for the<a href="http://itsourtimeofthemonth.blogspot.com/"> show I'm in once a month</a>; memorizing lines for <a href="http://billyoleary.com/">my acting class</a>; memorizing lines for <a href="https://www.facebook.com/lovestupidseries">the web-series I'm co-starring in</a> and shooting almost every weekend day (which means I haven't had a proper weekend in a month, as I work Monday through Friday, then shoot 8 am to 8 pm on Saturdays and Sundays, then go back to work on Mondays); memorizing ASL signs for the ASL class I'm in (my final was last night, and I passed with flying colors); and doing production work (putting together call sheets, call times, time schedules, etc) for the web-series I'm also acting in. I also just got elected to the Board of my church, as its youngest member. Oh, and hey, I'm also planning my wedding. <br />
<br />
Color me overwhelmed. With what feels like permanent marker.<br />
<br />
So here's a list of things that have got me through the past few weeks.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I've started leaving my office during lunch. Instead of sitting at my desk and eating in front of the soft, romantic glow of my computer screen, and occasionally working during my lunch (answering phone calls, responding to the boss' needs, checking work email), one day I just walked out of the damn building with my food and a book and found a quiet place to sit and read while I ate. And it was the best lunch hour of my life. So I did it again the next day, and the next. I can't tell you how much it's improved my sanity to eat while no one is bothering me, and to eat outdoors. It's like getting a high-five from the universe every single day.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> This line by Mary Oliver, which pretty much has become my dictum for life: <i>"Pay attention. <br />Be astonished. Tell about it.” </i>Just about every thing Mary Oliver writes comes down to attention, so much so that she compares it to prayer on numerous occasions. And whenever things suck in my life, it's usually because I'm not paying attention to what really matters, to being in the moment and instead I'm elsewhere, distracted, half-assing it. It's the Kairos moment I talked about as my new year's theme and it's where the root of my spirituality lies and every second I am kind to myself or to someone else (which is by far the most important thing on this planet), it's because I was finally paying attention.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://media.skysurvey.org/interactive360/index.html">An interactive photograph of the entire universe</a>. It's not fake, it's not Photoshop. It's the deepest photograph of the universe as we know it yet, and when things get stressful I literally just go to the website and tilt up the picture 90 degrees so that it feels like I am lying on my back, staring up at stars. It works wonders. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> Realizing my ego does not go gently into that good night, and reciting this line over and over again to counteract the loudness of its tantrums: <i>"Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?"</i>(source <a href="http://sashapapovich.blogspot.com/2009/10/awakening-now.html">here</a>)</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.recipeboy.com/2012/05/raspberry-dark-chocolate-banana-bread/">This</a>. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> Following <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/loversdiction">this guy on Twitter</a>. He also wrote <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Lovers-Dictionary-A-Novel/dp/0374193681">a book</a>. Sample dictionary definition of his: <i>"Between, prep.: I live in the area bounded by my expectations and my disappointments." </i></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Buying tickets to not one but TWO Hollywood Bowl shows this year: Pixar in Concert in August and Florence + the Machine in early October. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Oh and: fresh strawberries, naps, back rubs from my favorite guy, engagement parties, flip-flop weather, Mother's Day picnics, ice cold pink lemonade, frozen yogurt, clean sheets, too much poetry, letting it go, letting it go even more, and gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. </li>
</ul>Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-972254038140036212012-04-30T14:56:00.000-07:002012-04-30T14:57:07.868-07:00National Poetry Month, Part 4<h3 style="text-align: center;">
Tired - Langston Hughes</h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<pre>i am so tired of waiting.
aren’t you,
for the world to become good
and beautiful and kind?
let us take a knife
and cut the world in two —
and see what worms are eating
at the rind.</pre>
</div>
<pre>
</pre>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<pre></pre>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
On the Necessity of Sadness - Mikael de Lara Co</h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<pre>Let me tell you about longing.
Let me presume that I have something
new to say about it, that this room,
naked, its walls pining for clocks,
has something new to say
about absence. Somewhere
the crunch of an apple, fading
sunflowers on a quilt, a window
looking out to a landscape
with a single tree. And you
sitting under it. Let go,
said you to me in a dream,
but by the time the wind
carried your voice to me,
I was already walking through
the yawning door, towards
the small, necessary sadnesses
of waking. I wish
I could hold you now,
but that is a line that has
no place in a poem, like the swollen
sheen of the moon tonight,
or the word absence, or you,
or longing. Let me tell you about
longing. In a distant country
two lovers are on a bench, and pigeons,
unafraid, are perching beside them.
She places a hand on his knee
and says, say to me
the truest thing you can.
I am closing my eyes now.
You are far away. </pre>
</div>
<pre> </pre>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<pre>-------------------------------------------------------- </pre>
</div>
<div class="tab-content" id="about-top" style="text-align: center;">
<div class="tabs-poem">
<h3>
Bright Day - Stanley Moss</h3>
</div>
</div>
<span class="author"></span><span class="fullname_search"></span>
<div class="poem">
<div>
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
I sing this morning: Hello, hello.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
I proclaim the bright day of the soul.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
The sun is a good fellow,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
the devil is a good guy, no deaths today I know.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
I live because I live. I do not die because I cannot die.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
In Tuscan sunlight Masaccio</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
painted his belief that St. Peter’s shadow</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
cured a cripple, gave him back his sight.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
I’ve come through eighty-five summers. I walk in sunlight.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
In my garden, death questions every root, flowers reply.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
I know the dark night of the soul</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
does not need God’s eye,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
as a beggar does not need a hand or a bowl.</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
</div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- </div>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-align: center; text-indent: -1em;">
<h3>
For an Album - Adrienne Rich</h3>
<pre>our story isn’t a file of photographs
faces laughing under green leaves
or snowlit doorways, on the verge of driving
away, our story is not about women
victoriously perched on the one
sunny day of the conference,
nor lovers displaying love:
our story is of moments
when even slow motion moved too fast
for the shutter of the camera:
words blew our lives apart, like so,
eyes that cut & caught each other,
mime of the operating room
where gas & knives quote each other
moments before the telephone
starts ringing: our story is
how still we stood,
how fast.
------------------------------------------------------------</pre>
<div class="tab-content active" id="poem-top">
<h3>
The End of Science Fiction - Lisel Mueller</h3>
</div>
<span class="author"></span><span class="fullname_search"></span>
<div style="padding-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;">
<div class="poempara">
<strong></strong>This is not fantasy, this is our life.</div>
<div class="poempara">
We are the characters</div>
<div class="poempara">
who have invaded the moon,</div>
<div class="poempara">
who cannot stop their computers.</div>
<div class="poempara">
We are the gods who can unmake</div>
<div class="poempara">
the world in seven days.</div>
<div class="poempara">
</div>
<div class="poempara">
Both hands are stopped at noon.</div>
<div class="poempara">
We are beginning to live forever,</div>
<div class="poempara">
in lightweight, aluminum bodies</div>
<div class="poempara">
with numbers stamped on our backs.</div>
<div class="poempara">
We dial our words like Muzak.</div>
<div class="poempara">
We hear each other through water.</div>
<div class="poempara">
</div>
<div class="poempara">
The genre is dead. Invent something new.</div>
<div class="poempara">
Invent a man and a woman</div>
<div class="poempara">
naked in a garden,</div>
<div class="poempara">
invent a child that will save the world,</div>
<div class="poempara">
a man who carries his father</div>
<div class="poempara">
out of a burning city.</div>
<div class="poempara">
Invent a spool of thread</div>
<div class="poempara">
that leads a hero to safety,</div>
<div class="poempara">
invent an island on which he abandons</div>
<div class="poempara">
the woman who saved his life</div>
<div class="poempara">
with no loss of sleep over his betrayal.</div>
<div class="poempara">
</div>
<div class="poempara">
Invent us as we were</div>
<div class="poempara">
before our bodies glittered</div>
<div class="poempara">
and we stopped bleeding:</div>
<div class="poempara">
invent a shepherd who kills a giant,</div>
<div class="poempara">
a girl who grows into a tree,</div>
<div class="poempara">
a woman who refuses to turn</div>
<div class="poempara">
her back on the past and is changed to salt,</div>
<div class="poempara">
a boy who steals his brother’s birthright</div>
<div class="poempara">
and becomes the head of a nation.</div>
<div class="poempara">
Invent real tears, hard love,</div>
<div class="poempara">
slow-spoken, ancient words,</div>
<div class="poempara">
difficult as a child’s</div>
<div class="poempara">
first steps across a room.</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<pre> </pre>Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-11346950696719602562012-04-24T12:40:00.003-07:002012-04-25T16:23:50.549-07:00National Poetry Month, Part 3<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b>House of Belonging - David Whyte</b></h3>
<div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet<br />
confinement of your aloneness<br />
to learn<br />
<br />
anything or anyone<br />
that does not bring you alive<br />
<br />
is too small for you.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
---------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
A Message from
the Wanderer - William E. Stafford </h3>
<div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
Today outside your prison I
stand</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
and rattle my walking stick:
Prisoners, listen;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
you have relatives outside. And
there are</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
thousands of ways to escape.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
Years ago I bent my skill to
keep my</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
cell locked, had chains smuggled
to me in pies,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
and shouted my plans to jailers;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
but always new plans occurred to
me,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
or the new heavy locks bent
hinges off,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
or some stupid jailer would
forget</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
and leave the keys.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
Inside, I dreamed of
constellations—</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
those feeding creatures outlined
by stars,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
their skeletons a darkness
between jewels,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
heroes that exist only where
they are not.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
Thus freedom always came
nibbling my thought,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
just as—often, in light, on the
open hills—</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
you can pass an antelope and not
know</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
and look back, and then—even
before you see—</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
there is something wrong about
the grass.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
And then you see.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
That’s the way everything in the
world is waiting.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
Now—these few more words, and
then I’m</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
gone: Tell everyone just to
remember</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
their names, and remind others,
later, when we </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
find each other. Tell the little
ones</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
to cry and then go to sleep,
curled up</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
where they can. And if any of us
get lost,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
if any of us cannot come all the
way—</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
remember: there will come a time
when</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
all we have said and all we have
hoped</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
will be all right.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -12pt;">
There will be that form in the
grass.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
--------------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
A Settlement - Mary Oliver</h3>
<div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
look,
it’s spring. and last year’s loose dust has turned<br />
into this soft willingness. the wind-flowers have come<br />
up trembling, slowly the brackens are up-lifting their<br />
curvaceous and pale bodies. the thrushes have come<br />
home, none less than filled with mystery, sorrow,<br />
happiness, music, ambition. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
and
i am walking out into all of this with nowhere to<br />
go and no task undertaken but to turn the pages of<br />
this beautiful world over and over, in the world of my mind. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
_________</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
therefore,
dark past,<br />
i’m about to do it.<br />
i’m about to forgive you</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
for
everything.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
Keys - Nancy Henry</h3>
<div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when things got hard<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i used to drive and keep on driving<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
once to north carolina<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
once to arizona<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i’m through with all that now, i hope.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
the last time was years ago.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but oh, how i would drive<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
and keep on driving!<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
the universe around me<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
all well in my control;<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
anything i wanted on the radio,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
the air blasting hot or cold;<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
sobbing as loudly as i cared to sob,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
screaming as loudly as i needed to scream.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i would live on apples and black coffee,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
shower at truck stops,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
sleep curled up<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
in the cozy back seat i loved.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the last time, i left at 3 a.m.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
by new york state,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i stopped screaming;<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
by tulsa<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i stopped sobbing;<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
by the time i pulled into flagstaff<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i was thinking<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
about the canyon,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i was so empty.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
thinking about the canyon<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i was.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i sat on the rim at dawn,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
let all the colors fill me.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
it was cold. i saw my breath<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
like steam from a soup pot.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i saw small fossils in the gravel.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
i saw how much world there was<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
how much darkness<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
could be swept out<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
by the sun. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------
</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
Flames - Billy Collins</h3>
<div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
smokey the bear heads<br />
into the autumn woods<br />
with a red can of gasoline<br />
and a box of wooden matches.<br />
<br />
his ranger’s hat is cocked<br />
at a disturbing angle.<br />
<br />
his brown fur gleams<br />
under the high sun<br />
as his paws, the size<br />
of catcher’s mitts,<br />
crackle into the distance.<br />
<br />
he is sick of dispensing<br />
warnings to the careless,<br />
the half-wit camper,<br />
the dumbbell hiker.<br />
<br />
he is going to show them<br />
how a professional does it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-142287751037233827.post-58193649874873617762012-04-12T16:24:00.001-07:002012-04-12T16:26:50.140-07:00National Poetry Month, Part 2<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
On Last Lines - Suzanne Buffam </h3>
<div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the last line should strike like a lover’s complaint.<br />
you should never see it coming.<br />
and you should never hear the end of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
----------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b>Good Night - J. Bradley </b></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i wanted to write “stay”<br />
on your sides, surround<br />
your bed with oceans<br />
of salt. i hope he folds you<br />
into a fox, loves you<br />
like a splintered arrow,<br />
brandishes the kill<br />
of your lips. may the bouquet<br />
of your hips wither.<br />
may the wolves<br />
forget your name.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<h3 class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: 16pt;">what lot's wife would have said (if she wasn't a
pillar of salt)</span></b><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> - </span> <b>Karen Finneyfrock </b></h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
do you remember when we met<br />
in gomorrah?
when you were still beardless,<br />
and i would oil my hair in the lamp light before seeing<br />
you, when we were young, and blushed with youth<br />
like bruised fruit. did we care then<br />
what our neighbors did<br />
in the dark?<br />
<br />
when our first daughter was born<br />
on the river jordan,
when our second<br />
cracked her pink head from my body<br />
like a promise, did we worry<br />
what our friends might be<br />
doing with their tongues?<br />
<br />
what new crevices they found<br />
to lick love into or strange flesh<br />
to push pleasure from, when we<br />
called them sodomites then,<br />
all we meant by it<br />
was neighbor.<br />
<br />
when the angels told us to run<br />
from the city, i went with you,<br />
but even the angels knew<br />
that women always look back.<br />
let me describe for you, lot,<br />
what your city looked like burning<br />
since you never turned around to see it.<br />
<br />
sulfur ran its sticky fingers over the skin<br />
of our countrymen. it smelled like burning hair<br />
and rancid eggs. i watched as our friends pulled<br />
chunks of brimstone from their faces. is any form<br />
of loving this indecent?<br />
<br />
cover your eyes tight,<br />
husband, until you see stars, convince<br />
yourself you are looking at heaven.<br />
<br />
because any man weak enough to hide his eyes while his neighbors<br />
are punished for the way they love deserves a vengeful god.<br />
<br />
i would say these things to you now, lot,<br />
but an ocean has dried itself on my tongue.<br />
so instead i will stand here, while my body blows itself<br />
grain by grain back over the land
of canaan.<br />
i will stand here<br />
and i will watch you<br />
run.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
Everything
is Waiting for You - David Whyte</h3>
<div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
your
great mistake is to act the drama<br />
as if you were alone. as if life<br />
were a progressive and cunning crime<br />
with no witness to the tiny hidden<br />
transgressions. to feel abandoned is to deny<br />
the intimacy of your surroundings. surely,<br />
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;<br />
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding<br />
out your solo voice. you must note<br />
the way the soap dish enables you,<br />
or the window latch grants you freedom.<br />
alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.<br />
the stairs are your mentor of things<br />
to come, the doors have always been there<br />
to frighten you and invite you,<br />
and the tiny speaker in the phone<br />
is your dream-ladder to divinity.<br />
<br />
put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into<br />
the conversation. the kettle is singing<br />
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots<br />
have left their arrogant aloofness and<br />
seen the good in you at last. all the birds<br />
and creatures of the world are unutterably<br />
themselves. everything is waiting for you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
-------------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
grief
calls us to the things of this world - Sherman Alexie</h3>
<div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i> The morning air is all awash
with angels</i><i><br />
<i> —Richard Wilbur, “Love Calls Us
to the Things of This World”</i></i><br />
<br />
the eyes open to a blue telephone<br />
in the bathroom of this five-star hotel.<br />
<br />
i wonder whom i should call? a plumber,<br />
proctologist, urologist, or priest?<br />
<br />
who is blessed among us and most deserves<br />
the first call? i choose my father because<br />
<br />
he’s astounded by bathroom telephones.<br />
i dial home. my mother answers. “hey, ma,”<br />
<br />
i say, “can i talk to poppa?” she gasps,<br />
and then i remember that my father<br />
<br />
has been dead for nearly a year. “shit, mom,”<br />
I say. “i forgot he’s dead. i’m sorry—<br />
<br />
how did i forget?” “it’s okay,” she says.<br />
“i made him a cup of instant coffee<br />
<br />
this morning and left it on the table—<br />
like i have for, what, twenty-seven years—<br />
<br />
and i didn’t realize my mistake<br />
until this afternoon.” my mother laughs<br />
<br />
at the angels who wait for us to pause<br />
during the most ordinary of days<br />
<br />
and sing our praise to forgetfulness<br />
before they slap our souls with their cold wings.<br />
<br />
those angels burden and unbalance us.<br />
those fucking angels ride us piggyback.<br />
<br />
those angels, forever falling, snare us<br />
and haul us, prey and praying, into dust.<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
The Uses of Sorrow - Mary Oliver</h3>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Someone I loved once gave me<br />
a box full of darkness. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It took me years to understand<br />
that this, too, was a gift.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07477498671080132176noreply@blogger.com12