a picture speaks a thousand words

Since I bombarded you guys with way too many ideas and words for the past two weeks, I thought I'd bombard you with pictures for this post.

A couple weeks ago I posted the first half of my Instagram February Photo a Day Challenge photos; today I'm posting the second half. Here's a handy reference guide:

Day 16: Something New - new organic fruit that had just been delivered
to our door, fresh from local farms (farmfreshtoyou.com)

Day 17: Time

Day 18: Drink - (yes, those are Buffy Season 8 glasses. Don't judge.)

Day 19: Something I Hate to Do - I really hate letting adorable
Bernese Mountain Dogs steal away snuggles from my guy.

Day 20: Handwriting

Day 21: A Favorite Photo of Me - photo taken by Lou Noble

Day 22: Where I work

Day 23: My Shoes - cracked cowgirl boots

Day 24: Inside my Medicine Cabinet - I started using this jewelry
organizer to store nail polish, Q-Tips, bobby pins, Chapstick,
eye drops, etc, so it wouldn't clutter up the actual medicine cabinet. So it counts!

Day 25: Green

Day 26: Night

Day 27: Something I Ate - I keep this at my office for a quick afternoon snack

Day 28: Money

Day 29: Something I'm listening to - Pandora rocks. :)

And here's where I promote myself:

A few weeks ago I did an interview with a couple other cast members for KillCam over at FilmRadar.com, so you can read the interview and watch the YouTube footage here. Yes, my voice is that high-pitched. Shut it.

For those interested in a more visual blog by me, I'm on Tumblr here (I know it's confusing that it's Sara in the Sun, I created it for my KillCam character so she'd have an online presence, then realized how much I loved Tumblr). It's 90% pretty pictures and 10% outrage about how much this world sucks sometimes. You can handle that, right?

And I'm on Pinterest here, if you guys want to see what virtual pinboards I've created.

And for my more conservative friends and followers, you will notice that I am decidedly more open with my politically liberal views on Tumblr and some of my Pinterest boards , so if anything offends you, just ignore it and keep loving me anyway. :P (or email me and let's talk about it!)

Much love,
Tracy

bright and wild ideas: part two

Coming off from a fairly crappy last week, I had a lot of time before writing this second post to ponder what, if any, of these ten influential ideas could help me cope with the events of last week and the ensuring discouragement that lingered. Having a sense of humor certainly helped, but it certainly didn't alleviate much. Energy conservation sounded great in theory, but was hard to apply it to what could be chalked up to bad luck and me feeling overwhelmed. But then I remembered something I learned while reading The Happiness Hypothesis, (such a fantastic book, I recommend it for everyone) and that's the idea that's gonna start my blog.

6. Not Feeling Cursed

In The Happiness Hypothesis, author Jonathan Haidt points out that happiness can initially be separated into two schools of thought: those who, when something bad happens, turn it inward and believe they are tainted, cursed, and that the bad things that happen to them are a reflection of their value and "what they deserve;" and then there's the other happy-go-lucky people, who are well aware that life occasionally chucks lemons at their heads and realize it's not a deeper reflection of their life choices. So. Which one do you think I fell into last week?

You guessed it! Because in one afternoon I was notified that my credit card info was stolen (someone had made a few large purchases with my credit card info, making it difficult for me to find the money to pay rent while the bank attempted to clear the charges) AND I was caught by a red light camera scooting out of an intersection after the car in front of me abruptly came to a halt to make a right turn. I really felt by the end of that day that it was all.about.me. These were clearly signs that I was tainted, I was a bad luck charm, and that there's something deeply, innately wrong with me. Somehow I had sinned, and now I was being punished for it.

Which, of course, is ridiculous. But how often do we forget that? How often, when something bad happens to us, do we wrack our brains, trying to figure out what we could have possibly done to deserve it?

But we don't make our own bad luck. And it's not personal, so don't make it. Let it go and move along.

7. Critics vs Allies

Sometimes it's tough to see who's really on our side in this topsy-turvy world. And with a myriad of personal opinions flying at us from our friends, family, and strangers, it's difficult to decipher who's genuinely interested in helping us become better people, parents, and artists versus the people who just love to hate. On everything.

So how do I tell the difference between my critics and my allies and extinguish the trolls from my life? I ask myself a question: is this person genuinely trying to push me to become better by offering solutions and ideas, or do they just dump all over my work and seem to revel in my failure? Are they more interested in being correct than in communicating to me what I need to do to change?

Because here's the thing about critics: why should we be interested in what they have to say about our work (or our lives) if they're not willing to help make it better? Them making themselves feel better by dumping on us doesn't make US any better (and I doubt it makes them feel any better.) So if I get the sense that someone means well but just doesn't seem interested in anything more specific than "you suck," I fire them from my life and never look back. As an actor, I put myself out there all the freakin' time. And I've had haters. People who called me ugly, untalented, and informed me very bluntly that I was wasting their time. So instead of weeping helplessly into my pillow that total strangers didn't adore me, I tried starting dialogue with them. What don't you like? What would YOU do to fix it?

Radio silence. That's when I understood. They don't care about making it better. They just like to sit on their couches, doing nothing, and crapping on the rest of the world that IS trying.

So now, in my mind, I tell them to get bent.


8. Radical Self-Acceptance

I first learned this term when someone recommended the teachings of Tara Brach to me. Brach works specifically with survivors of trauma, introducing the concept of radical acceptance into their lives in order to help them heal emotionally, using Buddhist teachings. I could get all info-y and use a lot of terms to explain what radical acceptance is, but it would be easier if I just post a poem that illustrates it perfectly:

The Guest House

by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Radical acceptance means exactly what it sounds like: accepting everything. Everything. Every bad mood, every childish thought lashed out in anger, every mistake, every crappy moment. Accepting it all. Not judging it - putting out a welcome mat for it. And when it's ready, it will leave. But instead of denying or trying to repress what I'm feeling or going through, I sit in it. I try to love my way out of it. I try to be kind to myself.

When I first learned about this concept, it seemed too easy. TOO kind. I wanted to be mean to myself, to punish myself when I wasn't as good as I wanted to be. And I was turning into a neurotic, judgmental, self-hating mess. I was afraid that if I radically accepted myself, just as I was, that I would settle. That I would be less than what I could be. Because we all know how motivating self-loathing is, right? That awesome cycle of feeling like a failure before we even start, then failing, then beating ourselves up about it, then starting all over again?

Riiiiiiight. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And I'm glad I got out when I did. It saved my life.


9. Transcend Fear-Based Rituals

I once read an interview in Rolling Stone with Robert Downey Jr (whom I have a mad crush on, totally beside the point) and when he mentioned that he was in the "continual process of transcending fear-based rituals", the hair on the back of my neck just sort of stood up on end. What the...how? What? What does that mean? And can I just... live there?

So let's think about this, shall we? Most people would agree that living your life in fear isn't that healthy. It certainly isn't satisfying, nor is it easy. And it's rarely simple, as fear is one of those sneaky bastards that's never quite happy with all the space you've ALREADY given it in your head. So. Fear-based rituals? Does that sound familiar at all? It certainly did to me. There were certainly quite a few things at the time that I was doing ritualistically (without thought, energy, or mindfulness) that were fear-based, and not unlike the Dementors from Harry Potter (nerd alert), they were quietly sucking all the joy out of my life.

How could I fix repeating those same fear-based rituals over and over again? Well...I could look at them, straight in the face. See, rituals are things we do without thinking. Just automatically, like the way I reach for the conditioner in my shower first or the way I brush my teeth. And if I wanted to change my life, I had to start examining it, putting my decisions and actions under the spotlight, and asking myself: why do I do that? And if I didn't want to do it... now I had the opportunity to change that and fight back.

10. Stop Throwing Stones

This one's kinda self-explanatory, no? But I'll go through it anyway. There used to be a time (I'm ashamed to say) when I was a little judgmental. I'd always considered myself open-minded, but I still found that occasionally, when people were making decisions about their lives that didn't have anything to do with me, I could still find reasons to be offended. I found ways to be opinionated about what other people were doing in ways that had zero impact on my life. What.the.hell.

Well, that obviously wasn't working out very well for me. I wasn't exactly happy, especially as I self-righteously tracked a list of other people's faults. And here's the kicker: do you know what bugged me the most? When people were judgmental toward others. (Are you laughing yet? I am.)

Then I heard a twist on a familiar Bible story that I love. (to my Atheist blog followers: I promise I won't get preachy.) It's the story of when everyone's all set to stone to death the adulterous woman in the Bible (John 8: 1-11) and Jesus points out that the first person without sin should step forward and cast the first stone. He stoops to write something in the sand (I like to think he was finishing an intense game of tic-tac-toe with Paul) and when he looks up, the crowd has dispersed, leaving only the woman and Jesus.

Now, the twist is that someone once asked what I thought all the followers did with the stones that they decided not to throw. Well... hopefully they tossed them away, I said. Right, said the other person. But what if instead... they carried them home? That's a heavy load, I said. And then I got it.

I had a bucket full of stones that I was hauling around. And while I was hurling them at others (which hurts, and that sucks, and there's no excuse), I was also letting them weigh heavy on my own chest every single day that I carried them around. I had to get over it. I had to let it go. I had to let people live their lives and support them, and if I did not support them I at least did not have to carry around a heavy heart judging other people for doing the best they could.

This was during college for me. And I haven't looked back on who I used to be, nor wished I could go back, since. And I've made friends of all kinds, people who are genuinely kind, and good, and doing the best they can with the circumstances they are in, and they make my life richer for being in it. You shall love your crooked neighbor with all your crooked heart.

- Tracy

bright and wild ideas: part one

Late last year, I came up with an idea for a two-part post that I really wanted to share with you guys. I'd examine the ten most life-changing concepts I've come across in my long (cough cough) life, going into detail about how that idea has affected me. While it's fun to post about my day-to-day activities, I'm also trying to focus more on ideas that encourage dialogue, growth, and development in myself and (hopefully) in others. So in the spirit of that, today's post will be about five ideas I've encountered in my life that have absolutely, irrevocably, changed me for the better. Next week's post will be the remaining five (and then some.)

Here we go!

1. Travel

I know travel isn't really a concept or idea - it's more of a verb - but bear with me on this. When I was twelve years old, my family took me to Japan. We stayed in Kyoto and Tokyo for ten days, and we visited Buddhist temples, rode the bullet train, and ate unfamiliar foods (raw tuna, green tea everything, sticky rice, and sushi, to name a few). When I was sixteen years old my mother, my aunt, my cousin, and I went on a two week tour of Germany, Austria, Switzerland, and Lichtenstein. And when I was eighteen, my high school graduation gift to myself was a 20 day trip to England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales with my best friend, using money I'd saved up for three years.

The point is - traveling does you wonders. You become more street smart, more confident, more aware of your surroundings; and when you become aware that your country is not the center of the world, you are willing to try new foods, stumble around using an unfamiliar language, ask strangers for help and directions, and your entire perspective of life is revealed to be a tiny sliver of what reality really is. Because I started traveling at a young age, I am more willing to try different food, attempt to talk to other people in different languages, visit new places, have adventures, and rely on my own intuition in unfamiliar situations. To date, I've been to more than fifteen foreign countries. And each time I travel, I understand that I'm a citizen of the world, not just the United States, a little bit more.

2. Yes And

Yes And is actually an improv game for actors. It starts with a ridiculous premise - someone marches on stage and declares to the other actor, "When did you turn into a duck?!" and the actor has to literally say, "Yes, I turned into a duck last Tuesday, and...." and think up something fairly clever, fairly quickly, to reply back so that their partner can now build upon the next idea with Yes And. It's the art of listening to others, accepting what people give you as gifts and only gifts, and embracing those gifts to the point where you expand on them to further engage both your partner and the audience. There is no rejection of ideas in Yes And. Period.

It's also a wonderful way to live life. Now, for those who are stressed, tired, and overwhelmed, there is a great amount of satisfaction in saying NO to those who want your time and energy. (I'll cover this later.) This idea is not so you can get suckered into doing more for other people - this idea is a way to, when you feel up to it, engage with the rest of the planet in a delightful, fun way. Someone passing by tells you they like your scarf. The barista at Starbucks tells you her day is going great. Your kid tells you a funny story. All of these are gifts. Each one is a person reaching out to you, however small, however ritualistic, and instead of shutting them down and going about your day, you can not only reach back out to them but also proverbially high five them while doing so. Try it. It might have messy results; who cares? That's life. But it helps to realize that the other 7 billion people on this planet are not, as you originally suspected, here to annoy you, but to engage and play with. We're all still kids underneath, I guarantee you that.

3. I Hope This is Funny Five Minutes From Now

These are the actual words that came out of my mother's mouth once when, in a lame attempt to get our stubborn cat Fluffy (yes, real name, sadly) to come inside one night, I dangled her arch-nemesis, Spooky (also the cat's real name. Also sad), in front of the door where Fluffy waited outside, just beyond the porch. Fluffy was not amused, nor was Spooky, but there was no blood shed that fateful night and most importantly, I'd learned that my mother had a sense of humor like a razor - sharp and quick. I learned that some awful things are gonna happen - and they have - but if it's funny five minutes from then, well, then everything is gonna be okay. And sooner or later, even if it takes years, those five minutes come up, even in the worst, most tragic of events. Because you can either laugh or cry, and laughing is a lot more fun. So when things hit the fan, when they don't go as expected, or maybe there's been a little bloodshed, ask yourself: is there ever a moment when this will be funny? If so, can it be in five minutes? And if it's in five minutes... why not now? Every bit of the dark and wicked sense of humor I have is due to my mother, I guarantee you that. And I couldn't be happier about that.

4. The Dialectical Method

Wikipedia defines The Dialectical Method as: "a method of argument for resolving disagreement... [through] dialogue between two or more people holding different points of view about a subject, who wish to establish the truth of the matter by dialogue, with reasoned arguments."

What this basically means is: dialectics do not argue to prove themselves correct. They argue for the sake of dialogue, for the sake of learning from each other, and for the sake of establishing a clearer sense of the truth of a situation by taking all viewpoints into consideration. They emphasize reason, logic, and rationality above all else, and never make personal attacks. And if you've looked around this country lately- we used to be able to debate heatedly and then buy each other the first round of drinks afterward, and now our words against each others' religious and political views are hyperbolic, inflammatory, or violent in nature - we could use some more dialectics.

I have very, very strong personal opinions, on a myriad of subjects. Before I was introduced to the concept of being a dialectic, my feelings would get hurt, I'd argue with a complete stranger on the internet for hours just to prove I was correct, and everything felt really, really personal.

Fast forward to when I learned this particular concept, about a year ago. I dropped my ego from my arguments. If I felt like I was proved wrong, I didn't feel like I "lost." I wasn't hurt if someone disagreed with me. Nothing felt personal anymore, either. If my idea was rejected, it was my idea, not me. I didn't lose anything personal from being disagreed with. And I didn't need to "attack" anyone, or "defend" myself. Emotionally charged terms of warfare were dropped from my discussions with other people, and I found myself nodding and saying, "I don't always agree, but I certainly see where you're coming from." And it has made my life profoundly more peaceful, and I'm able to get along with others more, and I'm more open-minded. Which I have to admit, feels a lot more amazing than getting a five second ego boost from proving a complete stranger wrong on the internet.

5. Energy Conservation

Way back in May 2010 (whoa), I wrote a post about emotional energy, and how I'd had to learn the hard way how to conserve it (I'd had a rough month. cough cough). I'd realized there was only so much emotional energy I could carry around with me on a daily basis, and once it was used up, it was gone. Now, some people are worth that energy and that time. They are our loved ones (our family and friends) and the people that exist in the communities we want the most out of (church, Home Owners Associations, school PTA, whatever.) The people that we need to conserve energy around can also be our loved ones ( a family member or close friend that drains us emotionally and mentally, for example), and if so, I'd advocate boundaries, emotional space, and a lot of self-care around that person. Because feeling walked all over, emotionally yanked around like a puppet, and sucked dry really, truly blows. So the concept of energy conservation is walking away - from a person, from a fight, from investing emotional energy that you know isn't going to be returned - and instead putting it back into yourself. It's shaking your head no, very gently, and backing off from that conversation or situation. And you have the right to say no to every single thing that insults your soul or tries to drain you of life. That's your right as a living, breathing, human being.

I'll be back next week with the remaining five. Have a wonderful week until then.

Hugs,
Tracy

well... that's kinda nifty...

I'm on Sunset Blvd in the heart of Hollywood!

Well, a billboard of me is, at any rate. And I don't mind one bit that I get to share it with Sadie the basset hound.

And since I can't just blog a GPOY post and leave it at that, I'll post some other pictures I've been taking this month. I'm on Instagram (under the very clever and mysterious handle tracyclifton) and there's been a February Photo a Day Challenge that I've been participating in. So enjoy the first half of this month's photos, and I'll show you guys the second half at the end of the month. :)

my view today

words

hands

a stranger (hey, a dead sheep carcass is pretty strange)

10 AM (don't judge me)

dinner

button

sun

front door

self-portrait

makes me happy

inside my closet

blue

heart

phone


That's all for now, folks... have a great week :)

2012...

Earlier this year I read this great, hilarious, insightful article about raising kids, and while it scared the ever-living crap out of me (I have found that if I ever get dreamy-eyed about having a child, all I need to do is read articles about raising said child, and it's pretty much the best birth control ever), I also came across a concept in the article where I was like, YES. I am going to use that as my manifesto for 2012! And it wasn't about doing more crunches (which I totally don't need to do for like, another three weeks! Thanks Stomach Flu diet! You're the BEST!) or getting up earlier (which I actually DO need to do) but it was about elevating thought, and therefore moments, in my life.

The author called it the difference between chronos time (time that moves forward in a sequential, linear way) and kairos time. Kairos time is what we experience in heightened, measured moments, moments when we fully take in all the gorgeousness that surrounds us, when perspective shifts and we see the long stretch of how damn lucky we are to be alive smeared over days and days of beauty, it's when time stops and we see things in slow motion and we are able to fill it like a balloon with gratitude, and it's when we take the full, deep breaths, step outside the box of chronos time, and gaze at all we have to offer.

That's Kairos time.

And this year? 2012? I'm working on filling my life with as many kairos moments as I can. That's all. It's simple. It's not advanced science, it's not pushing myself harder to DO MORE BE MORE, it's the allowing of grace, in all its forms, to inform me in as many daily moments as I can that life is so, so, so incredibly good.

Come to think of it... this blogger already does that (and she has two beautiful children) quite brilliantly. Go have a read and treat yourself.

It's gonna be a good year. I can feel it.

2011...

I will be the first to admit that 2011 was a fairly difficult year for me. As Lira said during one of her many, many pep talks, "2011 is your J.K. Rowling year! It's the year you hit rock bottom so that you can once again build your foundation!" Thanks Lira! Please don't become a motivational speaker!

The bad part about hitting rock bottom is a) it's never really rock bottom, so you're painfully aware that while it feels like you have lost everything, you have so much more that you could lose, and b) just like jumping off a bridge or out of a plane, it's the landing that kills you. It's the staying down, with zero energy to get back up and pick the grass out of your teeth, that is the hardest part. So we'll say that 2011 is the year I worked on my bounce, shall we?

I learned to bounce back, and roll with it, and flip the switch that says, NO. This isn't going to ruin my whole day/week/month. And for that... for that I give myself kudos. It's a muscle, that voice that says "I can still turn this around," and it needs to be exercised. Hourly. Like a chihuahua with a reeeeeeallly small bladder. Because the last two months of 2011 were some of the best I've ever had in my life. And if I'd given up on 2011... if I'd walked away or thought there goes the entire year I would have missed out on some pretty great stuff.

To sum it all up:

1) I got some stuff off my chest.

2) I got two raises in a week (right after some major car problems that sucked mightily).

3) I drowned you guys in more poetry (not that you complained).

4) I called a religious idiot out for predicting the end of the world.

5) I successfully raised the funds for a season 2 of my web-series, booked a role in an indie feature, and got some new headshots taken

6) I hit rock bottom with my car and my career

7) I sucked it up and bought a new car (see: aforementioned rock bottom-hitting)

8) I had a crazy summer of bbq's, baseball games, San Diego Comic Con, and camping at Yosemite.

9) I learned to let it go, shake it out, bounce back, and turn the year around.

10) and then in the last two months of 2011, I got engaged, booked a national commercial, booked a print (modeling) job, debuted an independent horror film that got almost 3 million views online, started shooting my web-series, and got a theatrical agent. Oh, and I also threw up a lot. But so did Benni so let's not hear any pregnancy whispers, shall we? (Eric, I'm looking at YOU.)

Want to know what 2012 has in store for me? Yeah, me too. Hopefully this year will be even more kick ass!

And involve a lot less vomit.

Stay tuned!

Every day I'm hustlin'

I didn't actually mean to take a month and a half long break from posting. Honestly. But if I gave you a laundry list of what my December and first half of January has been like, your brain might explode. Or you might just die of boredom, considering it's a list. So I'll try to re-cap in a way that doesn't garner either of the aforementioned reactions. Just because I love you guys.

On Thanksgiving Day, Benni proposed to me in front of my family and I (of course) said yes. What followed in the month of December was a training montage of Benni and I trying to find a caterer and venue before the end of 2011, seeing as how we had chosen October of 2012 to be the month we get married and we were already behind schedule. This was both easy and hard, easy because both Benni and I are incredibly laid back, hard because, as I'm discovering, I am a Wedding Asshole. Which is to say that I have not dreamed about my wedding since I was five, I don't really care about coordinating "color palettes" (sorry, sweet girl at David's Bridal whom I inadvertently mocked when she said that), and I am somewhat confused by what a "rustic wedding" means and why on earth it involves a truckload of burlap. To be more clear, I'm not overly sentimental, or emotionally attached, to many things. Except maybe my Battlestar Galactica DVDs.

So we found a caterer, and this is when I learned the number one rule of weddings: which is that most of the venues are actually just catering companies that happen to have a space. Having a caterer beforehand eliminated 90% of all the locations Benni and I were interested in getting married at. Also: it is hard to have a wedding when you are poor. Just putting that out there. Because most venues were several thousand dollars over what we could afford. Some venues were OUR ENTIRE BUDGET. I seriously began considering a wedding at In N Out and a reception in the drive-through line of In N Out (hey, the line takes long enough.)

Meanwhile, what I was trying to do in December when I wasn't madly trying to secure locations or buying presents off Amazon like a fiend was attend pre-production meetings for the second season of my web-series, Hell Froze Over (which is now currently shooting); work a full time job; shoot a print ad that I'd booked for a full day; spend a day at Disneyland as someone's guests (meaning we got in for free but we were on our generous host's schedule); and do a 36 hour, fully live-streamed horror movie on December 12 and 13th.

Yes, folks, the horror movie I did (Kill Cam Live) had a live element to it - throw the actors into the "kill room" and stream the footage live for as long as the characters survived. My character and her boyfriend found themselves trapped in the kill room for all of Monday and a good part of Tuesday - up until about 10 pm that night - when we finally both met our bloody ends. During the 36 hour time period, I had to be in character the entire time and pretend I was suffering from dehydration and starvation, that I was terrified to death, constantly interact with the audience and the killer (who was outside the room), and constantly interact with the other actor I was placed in the room with. And in two days, we got half a million views. Not bad... not bad at all. Overall, the project got almost 3 MILLION views. You can read about it here and here.

When I got out of the Kill Room late Tuesday night, I had a voicemail message. It was from the assistant to the hottest casting director in town, wanting to know my email address. The casting director (a casual friend of mine) wanted to email me the contact info of a few agents that he had personally called and pitched me to, and wanted me to follow up with meetings. And after my own brain was done exploding from such extraordinary kindness and thoughtfulness, that's what I did.

So I took two meetings right before I was supposed to leave town, got positive feedback, and was told to check back in after the holidays. The third meeting would have to wait until January. Benni and I drove an hour down to my mom's house, the Tuesday night before we were set to leave for New York and New Jersey to go visit his family for Christmas, in order to have an early Christmas dinner and celebration with my family. We opened presents, we ate a ton, and then we drove back up to LA.

At about 4 in the morning on Wednesday, I got out of bed and started throwing up. And I didn't stop for a good six hours. I'm pretty sure I threw up everything I have eaten since, oh I don't know, THIRD GRADE. It was that bad. Benni got me towels, and stayed with me in the bathroom, but nothing stayed down.

10 am rolled around. We needed to get on a plane to fly into New Jersey. I couldn't do it. I could not physically get out of bed, I was so tired and dehydrated. Benni had to leave without me, and even though I wanted to go with him more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, I couldn't make my body do anything anymore. It had just quit on me.

Sobbing, I called my best friend in the entire world, and she sprang into action. "Do you think you'll be feeling better by Friday?" she asked. "I better be, I don't have anything left to throw up," I replied. And then she did what every best friend in the entire world does: she bought me a plane ticket to go to New Jersey for Friday afternoon, having me arrive in Philadelphia late Friday night. "Merry Christmas," she said. I love that girl. There's a reason she's walking me down the aisle in October. She damn well EARNED it.

Friday night I fly out to Philly, and Benni and his sister and brother in law come pick me up. We spend the weekend with his family, then get ready to leave for LA Monday afternoon. On Monday morning, around 3 am, Benni gets out of bed and starts throwing up. We have a plane to catch at 4 pm. I am PISSED at the Stomach Flu Gods. PISSED.

So help me God, we are getting on that plane, I tell Benni. He nods weakly. And by the sheer grace, or determination, or stubbornness of me, I start him on a juice diet that morning, which he manages to hold down, I haul us off to the airport, and we get on that plane. We touched down in LA that evening, took the bus home from the airport, and just collapsed into bed. And that was Christmas. And in between recovering and resting during the remainder of December, we found a beautiful venue for our wedding that fit our budget, fit our every need, and let us use our own caterer. THANK YOU BABY JESUS.

When January hit, we jumped full speed back into filming Hell Froze Over (which we've been doing on the weekends), I met with the last agent and got signed on the spot, I jumped back into acting class, I signed up for another semester of American Sign Language, and I have been hustling. Every. Single. Day. to keep making these opportunities happen, to keep kicking ass as an actress, to keep myself employed, fulfilled, healthy, well-fed, well-rested, and bringing my A game.

It's hit and miss. But the point is... I'm still trying to hustle. And it's the trying that counts.