Tuesday, January 19, 2010


...frankly, sucked. A lot. I'll be honest here, kids: true to Phoenix-like form, I set my life on fire in January of 2009 and then spent the rest of the year watching everything I had loved and everything I'd put so much hard work into burn down to the ground. I grieved, night after night, for what I missed, until it morphed into what I remembered missing, and then one day I woke up and I started to forget to miss what I was once so sure I could not live without. If that makes any sense.

I will always make it hard on myself. Always. I'm that girl. I don't settle, I look, everywhere, sometimes I keep looking after I've found what it was I was looking for, and I don't accept complacency in my own life. I yearn for it, sure, I long and pine to be the person who lets the lies stick to the bottom of the floor and builds a brick house on top and never checks on the foundation again. But that is not me. I cannot do those things. I am not that person.

But I will tell you that I know this much is true: I start fires, it's a fact, I start them everywhere I go and I just can't help it, because the fire is inside me and it's not going anywhere; but like my blog moniker, I also rise up from the fire and ashes and smoke, brand new, reinvented and bold, and I stand validated in the choices that I've made, for the reasons I made them. And I truly do not regret a single thing about 2009, nor would I change any of it. Because I'm flying above it all now, and let me tell you: the view is gorgeous from above.

Anyways, so here's my little list of the best of 2009 because, looking back, there were quite a few good things too:

Best album: "It's Blitz" by the Yeah Yeah Yeah's

Best song: "Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear, off the Veckatimest album

Best official music video - Oren Lavie's "Her Morning Elegance"

Best fan-made music video - "Two Weeks," sung by Grizzly Bear, animated by Gabe Askew - one of the most amazing music videos I've ever seen. Not only is the animation stunning, the video shows both how hard and how lovely it is to be in a relationship.

Best film: 500 Days of Summer

Best 3D film: Well, we saw this coming: Avatar

Best CGI film: (and best over-all film moment): Up. If you haven't seen it, rent it. The first fifteen minutes, using no dialogue, tell the beginning, middle and almost-end of a beautiful love story. You will cry.

Best classic animation film: The Princess and the Frog. Besides the charming songs, good old-fashioned fantastic animation and some bold choices with the plot, can I get a Hell IT'S ABOUT TIME for a Disney leading lady to be African-American AND to have an interracial romance?

Best Stop-Animation film: It's a tie between Neil Gaiman's Coraline and Roald Dahl's Fantastic Mr. Fox. Both looked fantastic and were fairly dark animated films.

Best TV show finale: Battlestar Galactica. So say we all.

Best TV show: Dollhouse (rest in peace)

Best Book: City of Thieves by David Benioff

And a few shiny moments from my personal life during 2009:

Best concert: Well, I DID get to see Flogging Molly twice this year, and I did get to see Metallica for the first time..but nothing compared to seeing the composer of the tv show Battlestar Galactica, Bear McCreary, perform all the music from the show with his orchestra...and then having Katee Sackhoff (the character Starbuck) come up on stage for a little piano duet. Hands down possibly the best concert I've ever been to.

Best job I booked: The PetSmart print ad. Eleven hours of playing with puppies in the parks. For which I also got paid. (Those are my feet, right next to Sadie the Basset Hound!)

My best friend Stacey giving birth and texting through most of it.

Hell Froze Over (the web-series I'm in) winning its first award at the New York Television Festival

Having an amazing Halloween night in West Hollywood

Fighting my speeding ticket and winning - take that, Whittier PD

Canoed seventeen miles down the Colorado River. Didn't cry once.

Finally saw New York during Christmas time

Enjoyed the best New Year's Eve I've ever had

That's all, folks...here's to a much more kick-ass 2010!


Shanna Suburbia said...

Love your positive spin on this post. I had a really rough 2009 too and when the new year started, I decided that I needed a stronger hand in the way my year goes. Looking forward to a better 2010 for both of us!

P.S. so jealous of you seeing Flogging Molly live

TeaLeafWind said...

Word. It did suck. But had some bright spots for sure. But I'm looking forward to 2010 hitting with goodness.

Unknown said...

That sounds like a pretty good year, my dear!!!

Oh! And your feet are hot.. just sayin'.

Anthony Diecidue (dee-etch-eh-doo-eh) said...

RIP 2009. Long live 2010!!! Here's to seeing cool people more often. ;)

Ida/FarEastLogbook said...

I like your honesty! Here's to a fantabolous 2010!!!

Jaeveberry said...

You have a great soul, I can tell. And I admire you for 'setting fire' to things and starting over/rising above. I had a bipolar 2009, plenty of loss, but with loss, gains as well. 2010, I think, will be more gains for everyone. :)

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

First, Dollhouse has turned in a frakking incredible show!
Second, you just let your inner light burn down the world, Phoen...it's your calling.

CVilleFieldNotes said...

I hear you on the setting fires habit. Call me your fellow pyro. We can't help it! To add to your list:
Best Life Song - 'Burn Your Life Down' by Tegan and Sara

krista said...

you had me until dollhouse.
the worst show ever.

Ashley said...

2009 was craptastic. I can give you an amen sista'. I really feel that the poop-e-tude of last year set each of us up for the bliss to come for 2010. I've already seen so many wonderful seedlings burst open this month. I hope that you take 2010 for a lovely ride my dear.

p.s. I'm so glad I made it into the wolf pack! I love the wolf pack!

Lira Kellerman said...

Oh, the love that pours out of me for you. So. Much. Love.

Angie Muresan said...

Your best friend Stacey texted through childbirth? That is amazing! Great list, although I have to admit that I'm not as cool as I thought I was. But you are!!!

Elisabeth said...

Keep lighting those fires, Phoenix. Lord knows we need more of them, otherwise we might all become complacent.

It sounds to me as though for all its 'suckiness', you have had a wow of a year.

I, too, I'm taken by the notion of a woman who can text through labour. There's a law in this country against texting while in control of a car, but no law against texting during pregnancy.

Good on your friend for this achievement and on you for having such a friend.

jenn said...

here's to hoping your 2010 doesn't go down in flames. :) even with all of the crap - you still managed to have a great year, and that's what the most important thing is!! :)

Eeeno's World said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I am praying/expecting an infinitely better year and new decade for all of us!

Congratulations on getting through it with your head up...great things to come.


Honey Bee said...

Being able to start fires is a damn good thing. It says something about your personality. Atleast you're not a wallflower.
if you want to take part in the Sisterhood of the Blogosphere, please mail me your name, Blog URL and facebook link asap!

Dave said...

Your 09 kept me reading. Here's to you, life, and a big bad '10...cheers!

Annje said...

Just how sad is it that I haven't seen most of those movies or heard most of those songs. I did see UP though, I do like the first part that you described, but the rest of it is just ODD!

I am glad you don't remember whatyou thought you missed--I love those realizations--that what you thought something was, wasn't.

Kristin Quinn said...

If that was your bad year I have a feeling 2010 will be fantastic for you! And keep lighting those fires. We need more people like you in this world!

Maggie May said...

now i must read City of Thieves!

Carissa Thilgen said...

I'd say there were moments of 2009 that sucked, mostly financially for me. but I have to say, it wasn't too bad. I'm hoping 2010 will be better though. however, the way you described your 2009 at the beginning of this post resonates with me. not because that happened to me last year, but it will/is happening... can't really explain in a comment, maybe I'll post about it, but your positivity gives me hope that I can set my life as I know it on fire and rise from the ashes better for it. honestly, I've let the lies stick to the bottom of the floor for too long...

ok, so you're probably wondering what the heck is she talking about!? haha. so on to the rest of your post. I just saw Avatar and loved it but I still haven't seen Up, the Princess and the Frog or 500 Days of Summer. Ahh! I need to rent/see them all, stat! (2009 sucked on the movie front) And I remember you girls talking about Battlestar Galactica at the meet up so I need to put that on my list, too :)

oh, and SO jealous you saw NY at Christmas! I want to see NY, period!

to end this long comment I will say pop over to my blog... you just might have won something... hehe

Barbara said...

Wow. You beat a speeding ticket?

NY at Christmas is perfect. (It's pretty good at Thanksgiving too.)

Can't even envision texting through childbirth. I couldn't even think straight.

Congrats on your ad and web series!

2010 HAS to be better!

Unfortunately, there are always things I regret, but little I can do about it except try to be a better person.

I'm not a firestarter, I'm a fire putter-outer. How boring of me. On the other hand, as I get older, I like more peace in my life. I think my firestarter days are behind me. That's OK. there are seasons for us all, enough to go around.

Kristy said...

Loved this. Quite possibly my favorite blog of yours. The honesty truly moves me and you were just my quiet friend in the room speaking.

Lori ann said...

is it ok if i copy your list and live it too? well, only the good parts, the other's i've already lived.

Heather Taylor said...

I always choke up at Up! Carl and Ellie combined with that gorgeous musical piece by Michael Giacchino makes me feel that life is insanely short indeed. So touching!

Anonymous said...

You have great taste. I thought Animal Collective's "My Girls" was the best song, but "Two Weeks" would be a very close second. And I agree that Oren Lavie's music video was the absolute best. I can't imagine how much time it took to compile and edit that music video. And 500 Days of Summer was also my choice for best film of 2009.

I hope that you have a great 2010.

Bathwater said...

Ok I watched Dollhouse and I got to say I just wasn't feeling it. I am a Whedon fan but this one-- not so much.

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