Thursday, January 21, 2010

2010...

I could explain to you what my goals are for 2010 (NOT resolutions - I'm not a "resolution" person either, the logic being that if I want to change my life I can do it any damn time I please and who needs resolutions that I'm just gonna break after five minutes, anyways?) but I thought instead I'd just tell you about a dream I had and you'll all get it anyways. My dreams are so freakin' obvious that a freshman in college who sat in the back row of Psych 101 and doodled while paying half attention would be able to tell you what my dreams mean. Freud would be bored out of his mind.

Anyways, I had the following dream a few weeks ago, (before the thunderstorms hit SoCal) and I'm not making up a single detail, I promise. (Spoiler alert - sorry if some of the images are a little bit graphic. My dreams are very dark and disturbing and bloody.)

I dreamed that I was standing on a wooden float in the middle of the water, like what they had back at the summer camp I used to go in Maine every summer, shivering in the cold in my bathing suit. It was storming, with huge rolling black waves washing over the float and over my feet. The wooden square swayed dangerously with the waves and I, like just about everyone else on the plank, struggled to keep my balance. The sky was dark and angry, lightening cracked every so often and I could make out the shapes of sharks in the water, darting back and forth like large silver and black bullets waiting to strike.

There was someone in charge. He had a whistle and clipboard and he stood on the tiny wooden island with us, telling us that in order to become certified lifeguards we had to jump in the water and save people from the storm and from the sharks. One by one people jumped in.

As it got closer to my turn, I looked down at my legs. They were covered in cuts and blood was running down them, spilling onto my feet and the salty, wet wood beneath me. I kept wiping the blood off from the cuts, hoping that underneath scabs were forming, kept trying to put cloth and band-aids on the wounds after I cleaned them, but my legs kept bleeding. The cuts were not healing. I was not healing. There was just too much that had already happened.

It was finally my turn. The head lifeguard looked at me. I looked at him, terrified out of my mind, blood running down my knees.

I'm sorry, I said. But I'm not going to do this.

The man in charge looked flabbergasted.

I have to learn how to swim first, I said. I have to learn how to swim by myself before I can become a lifeguard.

And what was once a tiny wooden platform out in the middle of the ocean with no other land in sight suddenly connected to land. I walked past the rest of the group of huddled and freezing cold lifeguards-in-training and pulled Benni out of the crowd.

You're coming with me, I said. You don't know how to swim either.

And off we went onto dry land and safer shores. When I looked down at my legs again, there was no sign of the cuts, no blood, no sign of the past. I was clean and new, and I was finally putting my self first.

20 comments:

Lori ann said...

i was afraid i wouldn't get it, never having sat in the back of said class.

but i did, and i do.

good for you sweetie, i'm so glad your learning this before you have to swim with any more sharks.

drollgirl said...

i am glad you and benny have each other! whee! in the chaos of life, it is good to have a partner. :)

Lira said...

Wow. That's amazing.

Kristin Quinn said...

Crazy!!! What a great dream. And yes thats sounds like something that could be found in the encyclopedia of dreams :)

Jenn said...

what a beautiful dream (in a grotesque way) and how telling that you picked benni out of a crowd to make your way through the world with you. amazing.

after my mom first passed away, i had a dream that she and i were walking on this beach that was floating on top of water. and there were all of these holes in the sand that i could fall through. but she took my hand and said "its ok, i wont let you fall in." i still remember it vividly to this day. must be something about water dreams. :)

Iva said...

so glad you and benni have have each other!!! BEAUTIFUL!!!

Barbara said...

I'm sorry to be so literal but when I was a child, I went to a summer camp in northern Michigan. There were some canoes they referred to as "war" canoes. They held something like 10 or 12 kids. Perhaps more. Imagine it was some kind of Indian thing...calling them war canoes.
Anyway, we took turns taking overnight camping trips across the lake in these canoes. On one trip a storm came up, one of the canoes overturned and some campers drowned. I remember well the mourning at camp and how many parents came and took their kids home.
It could so easily have been me on that trip. A near miss. We all have them.
Oddly enough, I have never dreamt about it. But then, I don't remember my dreams very well. Never have.

Dionne said...

Dang, what a deep dream! My dreams are never that profound - they're always about stupid flying robbers or something like that.

Joker_SATX said...

I have dreams like that. What has me scared is that there are times where I can see the dream world and the real world but can't tell the difference.....

Angie Muresan said...

Wow, what a dream! You'll navigate those waters yet, I have no doubt.

Carissa said...

that is one heck of a dream! mine aren't usually so detailed... or at least, I don't remember the details! like the other commenters said, I'm glad you have someone in your life that you can walk the safe shores with, so to speak, and that you are putting yourself first. that can be hard to do, I know it is for me, but it is so important.

Jmarls80 said...

BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

:)

Pretty amazing dream, Phoenix.

Gwen said...

AMAZING!!! You both are so lucky to have found each other!!! XOXO

Jaeve + Things said...

what a dream! so vivid and ripe with meaning.

Marion said...

Wow, it must be a week for weird dreams, Phoenix. Mine have been violent and disturbing, too. I'm glad it ended okay. But as we all know, dreams are seldom literal.

Here's my #1, all-time favorite web site for dream interpretation. I have a dozen books on dreams, but this site is usually always right on:

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

Love & Blessings!! xoxo

Bathwater said...

Nice dream! Sure beats my recent run in with cats. But what is the water exactly? Just life in general?

Kris said...

Whoah! That's crazy and amazing!

AJ said...

So...your goal for 2010 is to finally learn how to swim?

Seriously, it's time to learn. They have classes at the YMCA for adult non-swimmers to learn to swim:
http://www.burbankymca.org/aquatics/newSwimPage.php



(Yes, it's difficult to take care of others, if you can't take care of yourself. But sometimes, you learn to take care of yourself through taking care of others. Individual results may vary.)

drollgirl said...

fyi, i think this post led to my latest nightmare. it was STARTLINGLY obvious. i was on a giant ship in the high seas, the waves were SUPER high, a bunch of folks were on deck holding hands, and i didn't have anybody's hand to hold when a MONSTROUS wave came along to topple the whole ship over. it was pretty horrible. :[

in an unrelated matter, matthew m is a MORON. hot bod, head full of rocks. he reminds me WAY too much of his character in dazed and confused. that is not necessarily a good thing, even tho i loved that movie. :)

nichole said...

What a beautiful and profound dream. Seems like you know what to do. ;)

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