the joy of surfing

I don't know about you, but I've been surfing a lot lately.

Not, like, surfing-in-the-water-surfing, though. HAHAHAHHA No. Nope. We'll work on that, uh, later. When I have a sense of balance, hand/eye coordination, and can swim. Three things I've heard help one's ability to surf quite a bit.

No, I've been surfing my career.

Someone once explained that having an acting career is a lot like surfing. You train every day, you work hard to make sure you have the ability to ride a wave successfully, should a wave actually come in, and you spend a majority of your day waiting. Waiting for that wave. Gauging how far you can go on it, how far the momentum will carry you. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

It's tough to disagree with that metaphor. I know some of my more proactive Go Out and Grab Life by the Balls blogger friends are gonna reply, "You have to go out and create waves, not wait for them," but I think there's a time and place for both attitudes. And a lot of us feel like we're waiting. We do the daily work, we train ourselves to be as skilled as we can in whatever our artistic craft is, and then...we wait. We play the waiting game, waiting for the right opportunity to come along. It takes patience, and an utter love for our art that's so big, that we can get by on one wave a week or month. Did you see that, we crow, after catching the first wave in six weeks. It made all the waiting worth it.

But it's tough, to wait, day in and day out. Wondering when the next wave is gonna come, if the payoff is gonna be big enough, if the high we get off of catching that wave is gonna outweigh the six weeks of waiting with very little else to show for it. There's a reason why there's about thirty professional surfers who make huge money with endorsements from surfing, while the other few thousand professional surfers probably can't afford their rent another month if it's all they do.

As an actor, I understand this perfectly. I understand the waiting, and the patience, and not being able to skip a single day of knowing my craft inside and out, just in case that right opportunity comes along when I'm on my B Game instead of my A Game. And that's okay. Because right now, the love still outweighs all of it. Will it next year? In ten years? I don't know. But today, it does.

The hardest part is describing to others what you're doing with your life. If you spend six hours in the water, waiting for some good waves, and didn't really get many that day, how would you describe your day to someone? Would you tell them you did nothing? That you're lazy, because you're waiting, because we live in a culture that doesn't see waiting or patience as very important qualities? A culture that actually looks at waiting as a weakness. 

So when I logged in today to tell all of you beautiful people - that I miss quite a bit - what I've been up to for the past month, after struggling to define it on my own head  - I came up with: surfing.

I've been surfing. I've been training every day, actively waiting for those waves to come in, and I've been patiently loving every minute that I sit in the still water between each wave, and the love that's keeping me afloat is the same love that gives me enough courage to go out into the waves, which is the same love that gives me the courage to wait every day and know that it's worth it. 

So I've been surfing. What have you guys been up to? I'd love to hear about it :)

-Tracy

You are loved. Act like it.

You know those things you don't do, because you're afraid they won't work out? 

I'm not talking about wandering into traffic, but the Big Stuff - asking the Big questions, making the Big move, taking the Big leap of faith, running towards the Big life - the things we'd like to do to make our lives Bigger and more full of grace and breathing room, but we hesitate because it's damn hard work that requires an extraordinary amount of courage and inertia. And you know how there's no guarantees, and you might just face-plant in front of everyone and it might require that you face-plant a hundred or a thousand ways before you figure out how to stick the landing?

Do it anyway.

Paint that painting or open that art gallery or be the one who says "I love you" first to the person who makes your heart go thump thump thump or choose to have a baby or choose to not have a baby or decide to make the first move or decide to quit that job that makes you miserable or decide to pack up the kids and spouse and travel the world. Do it.

Do it because you're loved, by whatever name you choose to call it, God, gods, Allah, Buddha, the Universe, the Great Nothingness, the Colors of the Wind, whatever. You are loved. You were loved into existence by something Pretty Damn Big.

Act like it.

start again

...pretty sure this is going to be my manifesto for 2013. 

amplified stillness (start again) | buddy wakefield

i choose to end the compulsive habit of thinking and
speaking insecurities. these are not my insecurities. they
were habitual thoughts passed down to me. the
foundation i’ve lain for myself is noble and true of heart
and must be treated as such, with compassion and clarity.

i choose to be quiet and let forthcoming answers reveal
themselves without manipulation. the hyper
intellectualization, wordiness, passion and superlatives
(which have often driven the engine in my ego) serve to
fuel distortions of a happy life, or burn up happiness
altogether. i choose to not put another log on that fire.

i choose patience under pressure.

i choose to stay present, to unlearn how to unlove,
to love, and to practice my worthiness of it.

i choose equanimity.

i breathe deep into the center of my heart.

i surround myself with friends and professionals
achieving like-minded success.

i am led to consistently speak with good purpose, react as
a gentleman, not instigating or projecting any foul thing,
and to not internalize the negativity of others so that my
presence is constantly powered by goodwill and grace.
lead me to right choices and right action, not to
participate in any lies about love, and to leave helpful
writing on the wall so that i might pull the next one up.
lead me to pull the next one up with real peace in my
spirit, humor in my peace, and this spinal cord i bummed
off a cephalopod. jus’ kiddin’, cephalopods don’t have
spinal cords. they are bilaterally symmetrical though, and
they collectively possess nearly every super power known
to man, including shape-shifting, pseudo-morphing and
possible teleportation.

i choose to savor this moment.
i choose ending knee-jerk reactions to that which i deem
negative, including parking enforcement, cilantro and the
back-up beep on commercial vehicles. for that matter,
there is no need to knee-jerk-react to the positives either.
enjoying them is enough.

i choose an unassuming nature.

i choose to be held accountable.

thank you for the vast experiences with which this life has built me.
i am thankful for what is being built.
i know it to be a fine building.
it does not stand in vain
even when it’s riddled with mirrors.

thank you for the serenity prayer, and the courage to
follow through with right action, with listening, with
learning and with stillness.

i choose to release my hope for a better past, to discontinue
boasting past glories, and to not justify any poor choice
with having lived a hard life.

i choose to speak with kindness and acceptance, even to myself.

i choose to be unapologetic for healthy living.

i choose to be unapologetic for living.

i choose to politely ask myself to step aside if i am in my own way.
if i do not get out of my own way, i choose to call a friend
who will have me removed.

i choose to observe how i may best serve today, and then do so.
i choose to better understand service and to live less selfishly.
i choose the nature of giving not greed, stability not
desperation, safe passage as opposed to craving and
clinging.

i witness gifts in the lives around me.
you really are incredible, ya know.
good gravy just look at ya.

i choose big me big you.

i choose chin up, best foot forward, stick my landings.

i choose a safe place to land.

i choose feeding myself joy over beating myself up.

i choose not to beat myself up if i trail off course, rather,
gently redirect my breath so that these standards i’ve
accepted for myself are not buried under any unnecessary
weight of any perceived shortcoming.

“i choose to not let come out of my mouth that which
would contradict the blessing that is happening in my
life.” – michael bernard beckwith

i’m giving myself a break.
enough.
i choose to be enough.
no more ten thousand hours of more more more.
not by force.
this work will not save me.
i release me.
go and have some fun.

i’ve spent so much energy becoming better.
i choose to now live with the better, to yield to the better, to
show you the better, and to let the rest unfold.
i will show up every day.
my failures have led to successes.
it is a time for practicing these successes, and for rest, and for clear reception.

i may make no decision based on panic.

lead me away from telling lies, exaggerating truths,
bragging, or manipulating people’s perceptions of me.
these are disservices to my practice.

i choose to breathe all known and forthcoming truths at
once, deeply and consistently, inhaling and exhaling
reassurance and understanding, joy and equanimity,
wonderment and revelation, acceptance and integrity,
commitment and flexibility, balance and ownership,
staying present with the moment, observing my
environment, yielding to all that is.

and when i do not do all of these things forever without
fail, may i be banished to an unforgiving lake of lava shit
for the devil’s fat eternity.

…or, treat myself to a good meal, some sound sleep, and
another deep breath.

…or, call mom, tell her what’s goin’ on, and agree with
anything she might say just to know that i have a mother.

i release my need to be right.

i know that this is the key to living life as is.
i choose as is.
let god be god.
and let me be still
until thy will is revealed.

nothing is against me.

*****************************************

Happy new year, everyone. Clean slate, clear eyes, full heart, can't lose.  - Tracy

all I want this Christmas...

This was published in the Christian Science Monitor on December 22nd, and it's specifically about the kids in Newtown, Connecticut, but I think it goes further than that. 

We could all use a little bit more of innocence these days. And no, innocence does not equal ignorance. Ignorance is lack - lack of information, of knowledge, of understanding or wanting to understand, of empathy. Innocence is full; full of hope, and a faith in ourselves, in others, and in this world that rings clear and true. It is a firm belief that despite the darkness that feels as if it is growing, it is always light that is winning.

May the holidays - and the upcoming year - restore your innocence and cause it to light a fire that burns in your heart all year long.

- Tracy

weddings! pictures! videos! details! exclamation marks!

I know that some of you really wanted to see some wedding pictures, but I kept thinking to myself, really? REALLY? Maybe it's because I'm selfish, or because I have the attention span of a breath mint, or because I find it hard to get emotionally invested in the photos of people I don't really know very well, but I was pretty sure you guys wouldn't actually enjoy sifting through a bunch of  wedding photos (to be honest, I didn't either. It took a week and a lot of tea to get me through.) So in the spirit of brevity and being aware of the fact that most of you guys have about 2 minutes per blog post, I decided to use the Vimeo video that our photographer, Tanya, put together for us - lots of great photos, plus some footage of Benni and myself dancing like the super dorks that we are, all in about three minutes, so it doesn't suck up too much of your day. I'll also fill you guys in our wedding theme and how the day went down, for you detail-oriented addicts. Sit back and grab some tea!

Tracy and Benni from Tanya Giang on Vimeo.

We ended up making the theme of our wedding Children's Books - it's what we read to each other at night when we first started dating long distance, with Benni being in New York and me in LA. Benni first read The Phantom Tollbooth to me when he found out that I was a terrible sleeper, and to reciprocate I read Where the Sidewalk Ends to him, and then it just sort of blossomed from there. So at our wedding we had ten tables for our guests:  The Phantom Tollbooth, Where the Sidewalk Ends, Where the Wild Things Are, Bunnicula, Alice in Wonderland, Goodnight Moon, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Cat in the Hat, Danny the Champion of the World, and A Wrinkle in Time. We made the favors separately for each table - we found white matchboxes that slide open, so we printed up miniature book covers, glued them onto the matchboxes, glued magnetic strips onto the back, and then filled them with magnetic poetry so people could have tiny little miniature books - corresponding to what book their table was themed - on their fridge.

Our wedding was at a vineyard in Simi Valley - we got married in the vineyard's garden, under a white gazebo at the top of a set of stairs, so that everyone down below seated on the grass could see - and then our upstairs reception room was just a few feet away so that we didn't have to worry about guests getting lost or not showing up. Because our wedding was book themed, as decorations we had used books scattered around everywhere - near the food, on the steps leading up to the gazebo, etc. For our centerpieces, we stacked a couple used books and glued them together, then placed hollow books from a craft store on top of of those, and then placed square vases full of autumn-colored flowers in the middle of each table. To save money, we also purchased all of the wine ourselves and placed four bottles at each table, which was more than enough for the 8 or 9 people at each table. 

My flowers were actually paper flowers, made out of three books - Goodnight Moon, Where the Sidewalk Ends, and The Phantom Tollbooth - and they were made by an Etsy shop that specializes in making paper flowers. The woman who runs the shop was also kind enough to make a few smaller flowers for me to put in my hair, which I just glued to bobby pins. :)

We used hollow books a lot, not just for the centerpieces - a hollow "guestbook" held small paper cards that I'd made so people could sign and leave messages for us, we used a larger hollow book for any cards our guests wanted to leave us, and a tiny hollow book also held our rings, which the best man, Benni's father Joe, carried around with him all day. My best friend in the entire world walked me down the aisle. For music, we decided to go nontraditional (surprise surprise), so I walked down the aisle to "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles, and we walked down the aisle as husband and wife to "Got to Get You Into My Life", also by the Beatles. Our first dance was to the most perfect song imaginable, Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I." Because we wanted a wedding where people would actually dance, we invited everyone to join us for the last stanza of our First Dance song, then had the DJ immediately play Pink's "Raise Your Glass." It was a huge success, as was hiring a photobooth to keep the guests busy and entertained if they didn't want to dance.

My dress actually had gold leaves on it, so that tied into our colors of black, white, and gold (like book pages). I changed into a brown leather bomber jacket and brown leather boots for the reception because I like to dance (see: video of me dancing like a super dork) and I cannot.dance. in heels. Cannot, will not, nope.

For our ceremony, we had four members of the wedding party (two bridesmaids, two groomsmen) read poems by the likes of ee cummings and Shel Silverstein, before Benni and I read vows that we'd handwritten to each other and then exchanged rings. My cousin Tom was our Officiant for the day.

The food was off-the-hook AMAZING and there was tons of it - butternut squash lasagna, garlic mashed potatoes, Filet Mignon, strawberry and feta salad - and we made it a buffet so that everyone could eat as much as they wanted and didn't have to choose between one main course or another. For dessert, we had cake pops - the baker had them sticking out of vases so they looked like flowers - as well as cheesecake bites and chocolate covered strawberries. And I surprised Benni with a Fudgey the Whale ice cream cake as his groom's cake, and the look on his face - I will never forget how happy he was. 

The whole day was incredibly awesome - just very laid back and drama free (as my friend Stacy said - "Wow, this was an asshole-less wedding! Haven't been to one of those in a while!")  and all about celebrating and partying with friends and family. No last minute freak outs or emergencies, just an amazing day celebrated with some of the most fantastic people I could ever ask for to be in my life.

I think that's about it...I could go on and on but honestly, you all would just die of boredom. So if you have any questions about a vendor because you're planning your own wedding, or you just want to know something else, just email me. I think I've tired you guys out of weddings for quite a while :)

Oh and - happy holidays. I adore you guys. 

giving thanks

So it's taken me a bit of time to play catch up with everything going on and make it back here to this blog, as evidenced by the fact that today is my one month wedding anniversary. And now that the wedding is over and people can't ask about it, the two things they DO ask are: "So how's married life?" and "When are you having babies?"

Fun.

Our wedding photographer left the day after our wedding for the East Coast and promptly got waylaid by Hurricane Sandy, so we're still waiting on photos (I'm not complaining - some people lost their HOMES. I can deal with wedding photo delay for as long as need be.) But we do have one thing to share - a video made my adorable and ridiculously talented husband, who's an editor, so he can do this kind of stuff in his sleep. It's a montage of all our photobooth photos, shot by Open Air Photobooth (we recommend them 100% for any type of party - they were terrific) and edited to the song we opened our reception with, right after our first dance - Pink's Raise Your Glass.

So enjoy the video, and please know that I'm grateful for all the love and support you guys have shown me this year - in my ups and downs and wayward trips sideways as I contemplated life, love, wedding planning, hiding under the blankets, and everything in between. I couldn't be more grateful for this little blogging community I have and I'm so grateful for every one of you. If I don't comment more on your blogs, it's not because I'm not reading them or that I don't love catching up on your life, because I do, and if I don't blog more, it's not because I have nothing to say - sometimes it's the exact opposite.

And while I'm on a gratitude kick, right now I'm grateful for my friends, my family, my husband, my health, my happiness, my job, a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, food in my fridge, electricity in my apartment, a car that works, a phone that works, and about three million other things. I am truly so, so blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

So... that happened.

More pictures to follow later this week, as I've kind of been avoiding life for the last month, so I'm still playing catch up. I promise you'll get more wedding pics though. PROMISE!

Love and hugs,

Tracy