all I want this Christmas...

This was published in the Christian Science Monitor on December 22nd, and it's specifically about the kids in Newtown, Connecticut, but I think it goes further than that. 

We could all use a little bit more of innocence these days. And no, innocence does not equal ignorance. Ignorance is lack - lack of information, of knowledge, of understanding or wanting to understand, of empathy. Innocence is full; full of hope, and a faith in ourselves, in others, and in this world that rings clear and true. It is a firm belief that despite the darkness that feels as if it is growing, it is always light that is winning.

May the holidays - and the upcoming year - restore your innocence and cause it to light a fire that burns in your heart all year long.

- Tracy

weddings! pictures! videos! details! exclamation marks!

I know that some of you really wanted to see some wedding pictures, but I kept thinking to myself, really? REALLY? Maybe it's because I'm selfish, or because I have the attention span of a breath mint, or because I find it hard to get emotionally invested in the photos of people I don't really know very well, but I was pretty sure you guys wouldn't actually enjoy sifting through a bunch of  wedding photos (to be honest, I didn't either. It took a week and a lot of tea to get me through.) So in the spirit of brevity and being aware of the fact that most of you guys have about 2 minutes per blog post, I decided to use the Vimeo video that our photographer, Tanya, put together for us - lots of great photos, plus some footage of Benni and myself dancing like the super dorks that we are, all in about three minutes, so it doesn't suck up too much of your day. I'll also fill you guys in our wedding theme and how the day went down, for you detail-oriented addicts. Sit back and grab some tea!

Tracy and Benni from Tanya Giang on Vimeo.

We ended up making the theme of our wedding Children's Books - it's what we read to each other at night when we first started dating long distance, with Benni being in New York and me in LA. Benni first read The Phantom Tollbooth to me when he found out that I was a terrible sleeper, and to reciprocate I read Where the Sidewalk Ends to him, and then it just sort of blossomed from there. So at our wedding we had ten tables for our guests:  The Phantom Tollbooth, Where the Sidewalk Ends, Where the Wild Things Are, Bunnicula, Alice in Wonderland, Goodnight Moon, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Cat in the Hat, Danny the Champion of the World, and A Wrinkle in Time. We made the favors separately for each table - we found white matchboxes that slide open, so we printed up miniature book covers, glued them onto the matchboxes, glued magnetic strips onto the back, and then filled them with magnetic poetry so people could have tiny little miniature books - corresponding to what book their table was themed - on their fridge.

Our wedding was at a vineyard in Simi Valley - we got married in the vineyard's garden, under a white gazebo at the top of a set of stairs, so that everyone down below seated on the grass could see - and then our upstairs reception room was just a few feet away so that we didn't have to worry about guests getting lost or not showing up. Because our wedding was book themed, as decorations we had used books scattered around everywhere - near the food, on the steps leading up to the gazebo, etc. For our centerpieces, we stacked a couple used books and glued them together, then placed hollow books from a craft store on top of of those, and then placed square vases full of autumn-colored flowers in the middle of each table. To save money, we also purchased all of the wine ourselves and placed four bottles at each table, which was more than enough for the 8 or 9 people at each table. 

My flowers were actually paper flowers, made out of three books - Goodnight Moon, Where the Sidewalk Ends, and The Phantom Tollbooth - and they were made by an Etsy shop that specializes in making paper flowers. The woman who runs the shop was also kind enough to make a few smaller flowers for me to put in my hair, which I just glued to bobby pins. :)

We used hollow books a lot, not just for the centerpieces - a hollow "guestbook" held small paper cards that I'd made so people could sign and leave messages for us, we used a larger hollow book for any cards our guests wanted to leave us, and a tiny hollow book also held our rings, which the best man, Benni's father Joe, carried around with him all day. My best friend in the entire world walked me down the aisle. For music, we decided to go nontraditional (surprise surprise), so I walked down the aisle to "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles, and we walked down the aisle as husband and wife to "Got to Get You Into My Life", also by the Beatles. Our first dance was to the most perfect song imaginable, Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I." Because we wanted a wedding where people would actually dance, we invited everyone to join us for the last stanza of our First Dance song, then had the DJ immediately play Pink's "Raise Your Glass." It was a huge success, as was hiring a photobooth to keep the guests busy and entertained if they didn't want to dance.

My dress actually had gold leaves on it, so that tied into our colors of black, white, and gold (like book pages). I changed into a brown leather bomber jacket and brown leather boots for the reception because I like to dance (see: video of me dancing like a super dork) and I cannot.dance. in heels. Cannot, will not, nope.

For our ceremony, we had four members of the wedding party (two bridesmaids, two groomsmen) read poems by the likes of ee cummings and Shel Silverstein, before Benni and I read vows that we'd handwritten to each other and then exchanged rings. My cousin Tom was our Officiant for the day.

The food was off-the-hook AMAZING and there was tons of it - butternut squash lasagna, garlic mashed potatoes, Filet Mignon, strawberry and feta salad - and we made it a buffet so that everyone could eat as much as they wanted and didn't have to choose between one main course or another. For dessert, we had cake pops - the baker had them sticking out of vases so they looked like flowers - as well as cheesecake bites and chocolate covered strawberries. And I surprised Benni with a Fudgey the Whale ice cream cake as his groom's cake, and the look on his face - I will never forget how happy he was. 

The whole day was incredibly awesome - just very laid back and drama free (as my friend Stacy said - "Wow, this was an asshole-less wedding! Haven't been to one of those in a while!")  and all about celebrating and partying with friends and family. No last minute freak outs or emergencies, just an amazing day celebrated with some of the most fantastic people I could ever ask for to be in my life.

I think that's about it...I could go on and on but honestly, you all would just die of boredom. So if you have any questions about a vendor because you're planning your own wedding, or you just want to know something else, just email me. I think I've tired you guys out of weddings for quite a while :)

Oh and - happy holidays. I adore you guys. 

giving thanks

So it's taken me a bit of time to play catch up with everything going on and make it back here to this blog, as evidenced by the fact that today is my one month wedding anniversary. And now that the wedding is over and people can't ask about it, the two things they DO ask are: "So how's married life?" and "When are you having babies?"

Fun.

Our wedding photographer left the day after our wedding for the East Coast and promptly got waylaid by Hurricane Sandy, so we're still waiting on photos (I'm not complaining - some people lost their HOMES. I can deal with wedding photo delay for as long as need be.) But we do have one thing to share - a video made my adorable and ridiculously talented husband, who's an editor, so he can do this kind of stuff in his sleep. It's a montage of all our photobooth photos, shot by Open Air Photobooth (we recommend them 100% for any type of party - they were terrific) and edited to the song we opened our reception with, right after our first dance - Pink's Raise Your Glass.

So enjoy the video, and please know that I'm grateful for all the love and support you guys have shown me this year - in my ups and downs and wayward trips sideways as I contemplated life, love, wedding planning, hiding under the blankets, and everything in between. I couldn't be more grateful for this little blogging community I have and I'm so grateful for every one of you. If I don't comment more on your blogs, it's not because I'm not reading them or that I don't love catching up on your life, because I do, and if I don't blog more, it's not because I have nothing to say - sometimes it's the exact opposite.

And while I'm on a gratitude kick, right now I'm grateful for my friends, my family, my husband, my health, my happiness, my job, a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, food in my fridge, electricity in my apartment, a car that works, a phone that works, and about three million other things. I am truly so, so blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

So... that happened.

More pictures to follow later this week, as I've kind of been avoiding life for the last month, so I'm still playing catch up. I promise you'll get more wedding pics though. PROMISE!

Love and hugs,

Tracy

Summertime (and the living's easy)

 So some of you were like, stop with the pep talks, give us details about what you did over the summer. And while it took me an absurdly long time to load all the pictures, here you go, kids. Ask and ye shall receive.

In No Particular Order Because the Summer Flew By So I Can't Remember When Things Happened:

Benni and I attended two concerts, Pixar in Concert at the Hollywood Bowl, and Roger Waters live at the LA Coliseum. Both were incredible shows, and we've got one more concert coming up: Florence and the Machine at the Hollywood Bowl the first weekend in October.  SO freakin' excited.

Roger Waters - The Wall - at the LA Coliseum

Pixar in Concert - at the Hollywood Bowl, before the show

Pixar Concert - mid-show. A full orchestra played the scores to every Pixar movie they've made so far (including Brave!)

I got to take a few Fridays off work and instead bum around at the beach...

Zuma Beach - Malibu

Laguna Beach, Orange County

 Sunbathing.

 I celebrated getting another year older and not that much wiser ;)

yummmmmmy

I finished shooting not one but TWO web-series this summer - Hell Froze Over, as the lead actress, and a new web-series called Love-Stupid, where I was the production coordinator and had a two episode arc as an actress on Love-Stupid. Hell Froze Over Season 2 will premiere this fall, so stay tuned!!!

Me hard at work with the clapper on the set of Love-Stupid.

Me...covered in a dirt for a shot of HFO Season 2. You curious yet?!

 We went to the Garden Grove Strawberry Festival to help our friends sell strawberry shortcakes...

I never wanted to see a strawberry again after that day.

...and maybe squeeze in a few rides too.

swings!

And we had our lovely friends throw us an engagement party!

I feel short.

Sunlight and love.

Bridesmaids made of PURE AWESOME - Lira and Stacy.

I continued acting, writing and producing - with two of my favorite people, Lira and April - on a show by, about, and for women - called Our Time of the Month. We perform one show a month, and so far, audience turnout has been fantastic.

Yay!

Dorking it up with April, left, and Lira, on the right.

Benni and I went to San Diego Comic Con again this year - this time with me dressed as Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, and him dressed as Anders. Yes, we're nerds. 

Anders and Starbuck, sittin' in a tree...

The Hulk - made completely out of LEGO's. Awesome!

Now that I got see the Firefly cast in person during a Comic Con panel, I can die happy. From left to right: Alan Tudyk, Nathan Fillion, Joss Whedon, Summer Glau. SHINY!

I booked a modeling job for DevaCurl - a hair product specifically designed for girls who have curly hair. It was a two day print job in Culver City, and I had a blast - everyone was so friendly and just really fun to work with. I'd shoot again with them any day! I think I'll be on the products themselves as before and after shots.

Before. How about that mustache, am I right??

After. With a lot more makeup and hair product. Oooof.

We mailed our invitations and got a bunch of other wedding-y stuff done, including finishing the favors, the centerpieces, buying wine for the event, making signs and table assignments...phew! We still have a little bit of stuff left to do, but we're in really good shape and way ahead of schedule. Our wedding is children's book themed, so we used a lot of used books for our centerpieces, signs, table assignments, and our guest book. It's not all finished yet but I promise you'll get pictures after the wedding!

invitations

 

Used book stores are our friends.

Paper heart cut-outs for the guest book.

I went camping - twice. Once to Joshua Tree National Park for the Perseid Meteor shower that happened in August, and again last week, when my family and I made our annual trek out to Yosemite National Park for a week. My hiking boots are happy again.

Merced River, Yosemite National Park

 

Half Dome

 

 Sunset in Yosemite

Sunset in the rear-view mirror, Joshua Tree National Park

 And that was my summer not-quite-a-vacation. I'm about to get very busy and go into full wedding mode (the wedding is one month from tomorrow) so you'll have forgive me if I fall off the planet again. But there will be pictures when I get back - OH YES - there will be! 

Hugs,

Tracy

Keep Going

Last week (I know, two posts in one month, look at me overachieving like an overachiever!) I posted about the general emotional state of where I was at, but for some of you (cough cough Bath cough) that's just not good enough, no, you want a laundry list of what I've been up to this summer.

And I was gonna post it too, in all its boring glory (it involves a lot of talking about how hollow books are actually a super pain in the ass to make and I don't recommend anyone ever in the entirety of their life deciding to create THIRTY OF THEM as centerpieces for a wedding, also if I ever see modgepodge or an Xacto knife again before I'm ninety years old it will be too soon) but then I realized that today is September 11th and while I'm not held hostage to the tragedy of it anymore and I do my best to ignore the way it's been politicized by both parties, it felt weird to be like, "Today is September 11th! Here is how my wedding is coming along!"

So instead, I'm posting a poem, and then I'm packing my boots and my swiss army knife and my sleeping bag and my sunblock and an obscene amount of marshmallows and my family into three cars and we are driving up to Yosemite. And everything will be restored and I will take deep breaths and surer steps and yes, I will avoid the Plague Mice and maybe when I come back it won't be 100 degrees in LA and THEN I will post about the boring laundry list of what I've been up to this summer.

Have a wonderful week, everyone.

milk inside | Sarah Wetzel

I wake, having lost track 
of the hours, a woman in the seat 
next to me weeping 
delicately, the thin 
blue current of her shoulders 
almost indistinguishable 
from the shudders of the plane. 
I’m not usually like this, she says, 
shifting eyes from mine 
to the window. I tell her, At times
we are all like this, turning 
to the book in my lap. 
What I want to tell her is
Stop. I’ve grown so impatient 
with misery. In the book, a man 
descends thirty-six thousand feet 
below sea level to stare 
at the deepest spot of the world. 
Through his tiny portal cracking 
under the enormous pressure 
of ocean, he says the snuff-colored 
ooze at the bottom resembles 
a big bowl of milk. We think 
we know misery 
yet can’t speak eloquently 
of even such a visible chasm. 
Inside this plane nothing happens. 
We are hundreds of miles
off course, our shape we recognize 
only by the shadow 
following. The woman stares out 
the window, waiting for something 
that won’t come. She rises 
then sits back down. 
What I mean to tell her is 
Keep going.

semper ad meliora

If you're like me, you thrive off the fight - the kind that brings change. You feed off of it. You don't wish for an easier life; you wish for better walls to climb and wars to kill and people to save. You choose the hard way on purpose, you draw your lines in the ground where people refuse to take a position, and above all, you run towards the fire. You ask the beautiful questions. You like to burn down the barn every once in a while just to see the moon. You take the road less traveled by, you push yourself when others would indulge you, and you know that nothing good comes without a gorgeous, knockdown fight.

It's not because we don't want things to be easy, though, if you're like me. That we wouldn't love to lie down, to sleep through the night, to accept what life drops on our laps with grace and gratitude. To believe that our lives, our homes, our loved ones are untouchable. It's not because we don't want those things.

It's because we don't believe in them. The safe meadows with sunshine streaming down and porches with lemonade... we'd love to stay, it sounds lovely, really, but we've seen too many storms to believe that the calm is anything other than the warning beforehand. We exist in a war zone, and if there is no war to be found, we'll make one ourselves. Just finished building it? Good. Now tear it down. We want to see what's behind that door, over that mountain, inside that holy book. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but at least it lived ten lives first. Every other animal only gets one.

Summer feels like a lie to me - hey baby, it's all good and groovy, let's just chill by the pool, there's nothing to stress about- and when autumn rolls around I'm relieved. Change is coming. The stagnancy I felt during the LA summer will retreat back into the darkness and the part of me that wanted a mighty shove so I could pick myself up off the ground, dust off my bloody knees, and cock my fists thinks finally. Finally. Let's do this.

It is my firm belief that there are two types of people in this world: fighter and healer. You can have a little of both - most somewhat well-adjusted people do - but you pick the way you approach the world and it's either with hands open in acceptance or hands clenched and swinging. The world needs both, and healers don't have it any easier than fighters, in fact I think they have it harder, because everyone's been through storms and it takes a specific kind of courage to sit in that field and believe in its beauty without wondering when the next lightening strike is gonna happen. But fighters have courage of their own, and when their nerve denies them, they go above their nerve.

During the summer, I had nothing to fight for, and so I had nothing to say. Now that autumn is coming, change is in the air, and it feels good. Good, good things are happening, and are going to continue to happen, when I burn down the barn yet again the view will be beautiful.

The healers I keep in my life - and you know who you are - I thank you, again and again, for keeping me balanced and sane and for being in my corner and helping me unclench my fists every once in a while to enjoy the good things that will come and land in my open palms. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it. And, like all of you, I am moving always towards better things, and I'll meet you at the next rest stop.