no but seriously.

Yay for blogging regularly again! I had a lovely week of catching up on all your blogs and playing tourist in my own city as Benni and I hosted his sister and brother in law,visiting from New Jersey. We all went to the Griffith Observatory, stuffed our faces with In N Out, went to Six Flags Magic Mountain on Friday and rode all the terrifying roller-coasters, and then Benni and I treated our guests to some yummy frozen yogurt awesomeness on their last evening here.

Also, for those who threatened/promised to stalk me in my last post, just consider yourself forewarned that stalking me involves witnessing lots of air guitar and consumption of Rocky Road ice cream, along with plenty of Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-runs when I can't sleep. Don't say I didn't warn you.

A few weeks back I was tagged by the lovely Purple Cow over at Australian in Athens to answer even MORE questions that she thinks I should answer, so here I am, doing my homework. I better get a cookie after this. And maybe some spiced apple cider. And some candy corn.

So here's the questions. Purple Cow came up with these, so I have to come up with some new ones to pass along to everyone else, which I'll do in another post later on down the line when I'm not still playing catch up from being gone from the blogosphere for three weeks.

1) Why do you blog? Have the reasons changed as you've been doing it?

I blog because I love telling stories. I also love connecting with other people and hearing their stories. And I think my voice comes out best when I write because sometimes my mind doesn't work when I speak, and a lot of times I talktoofast because my mind is going 3 million miles a second. I also blog because I love blogging and we should all be able to do the things that we love (it's a wonderful life philosophy). I don't think these reasons will ever change, but there's another reason I'm excited about blogging and it has to do with a Big Idea of my very own and I'll be letting you guys know very, very soon as soon as the details are worked out. (Add "cryptic blogging" to the list of reasons why I love blogging.)

2) Why do they ask "What animal are you most like?" at job interviews? And what could they possibly learn about the person being interviewed when they ask this question? (Also feel free to share any other stupid questions you've been asked at job interviews).

I've...never been asked that question before at a job interview. Purple Cow, are you sure that's not just a Greek thing? Unless I'm applying for a job at Sea World I do not expect anyone to ever ask me that question. Maybe I've just been blessed with mercifully boring job interviews... you get that when you work primarily at bookstores and accounting firms (as I have done.) I suppose I could tell you all the ridiculous things that have been asked of me at auditions, but they are too numerous to count.

3) If you were to arrange a rendezvous with your 18-year-old self what would you say to yourself? How much would you have in common? Would you accuse yourself of something?

I don't think I'd bother going back in time just to accuse myself of something...that seems like a waste of a time-travel trip. Why would I travel through space and time just to give myself grief? I can do that anytime I want...

I guess if I had the chance I'd sit down my little 18 year old twerpy self and say, "Hey kid. It's me, I'm you from the future, stop looking confused, your face will get stuck that way. Couple things you should know: number one, I know that you've been through a lot of bad stuff already and it's hurt you a lot. And you probably think that the world owes you something for all the pain it's dealt out to you at such a young age. But it doesn't. The world doesn't owe you anything, least of all your own happiness. You have to go out and fight for that everyday and you can't count on anyone else to hand it to you. Get over yourself.

Number two, you're probably fairly confident that things are going to stop hurting. They're not. Things are gonna hurt a lot more once you get to college and un-numb yourself. You'll start to let yourself feel, for the first time in years, anger, grief, betrayal, and confusion. But let me tell you something: you will get down on your knees and cry with gratitude that you can feel emotion again, because with the bad comes the good, and you were meant to be filled with rage and confusion and love and understanding and sadness and heartache and joy and enthusiasm. You don't get one without the other, kid. So take it all, let it all in, and become stronger for it.

Finally, number three: I know you find instructions and explanations boring, but they are going to come in handy. Particularly in this thing we call life. So please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, start listening to your Chemistry teacher and stop blowing up thermometers in the back of the room. There's only so many times you can clean mercury off your hands and your lab partner backpack."

PS don't make out with Adam. He's a dickhead.

4) Imagine me? What do I look like? (Skip this one Robin as you've already seen me on FB)

That's easy. I picture you as a cow, that's purple, who speaks with an Australian accent while living in Greece. ;)

5) Have you ever surprised yourself with your own wickedness?

I stopped calling wickedness "wickedness" a long time ago and started calling it something closer to "missing the mark." That way I can remove my failures from my personality and it's a lot easier to correct behavior when it doesn't have Ego hitchhiking on its back. (Ego packs a lot of baggage.)

6) What makes you special and different from this blob called humanity?

Absolutely nothing. But I think I'm fine with that in part because I don't think of humanity as a blob but rather as little individual pockets of absolute untapped potential.

7) Do you ever wonder if you are wrong about everything you currently believe and hold to be true? And if it turns out that none of it is as it seems would you wish to be told the TRUTH a minute before you die or die not knowing at all?

There's this quote I love:

"Deeply held beliefs of any kind prevent you from being open to experience, which is why I find all firmly held ideological positions questionable. It makes me nervous when someone believes too deeply or too much." - Milton Glaser

And I used to think this way too, Milt. (Can I call you Milt?) But then I discovered that I truly, absolutely, with all of my heart believed in a God composed of absolute and unconditional love. And instead of that belief closing any doors on anyone else's beliefs, it opened a thousand doors of acceptance towards everyone and everything that is different from me. Suddenly the world was full of possibility because everything was loved into existence for a reason, and fear didn't even factor into the equation.

8) So how come it's 8 questions? Why not 5, 7 or 10? Why 8? Do you want more or do you wish you'd had less?

I find that 8 signifies completeness in most societies and cultures, although 7 works just fine too. In the end, this was the perfect amount of questions to answer on my lunch break.

Thanks for tagging me, Purple Cow!! You're the coolest :)

And finally, the news I'm excited to share: during my bloggy break, my girl Lira got engaged to her adorable boyfriend, Anthony...and while I was busy jumping up and down in my seat in excitement when they told me, they asked me if I would be the officiant for their wedding. To which my response, when I stopped doing the Muppet Dance of Joy, was:

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!! Of course I will!!!!

Now I have about 355 days to get over my fear of public speaking. HOOOORRAAAAYYY!!!!

it's been a month...

...for the books, people. I looked back through my posts and noticed I only posted ONCE the entire month of September. And I can't really sum up everything that's kept me away from the computer or you'd die crying of boredom, so instead I'll try to express it through pictures and numbers as best I can. Let's just say that September consisted of 5 separate trips to 2 different auto mechanics, (with 1 serious brake-pad scare that turned out fine, and a $300 repair on a smashed front headlight when I hit something on the freeway going 80mph); over 650 miles driven to Yosemite National Park and back; many miles hiked at Yosemite; many pictures taken while camping there with my family for four days; 1 agency meeting down and 3 million to go when I got back into LA; 3 classes a week as I continue learning knife fighting and add American Sign Language to my schedule; and over 1,000 headshots that I have to go through (and narrow it down to 5) after 2 different headshot sessions over the past couple weeks.

Damn, I'm already tired. Screw it, here's the pictures.

Bangs for the first time since I was thirteen.

Beautiful Yosemite Valley.

Benni and me* on our first hike of the trip.

Coyote!

Doe, a deer, a female deer...

I swear he posed for me.

Yosemite's Bridalveil Fall ...and a rainbow!

Hiking with the family. From left to right, my aunt Darlyne, me, my mom, and my brother Jeff. Yes, my mom and aunt are identical twins.

The gorgeous Hetch Hetchy Reservoir

My faithful companions, my hiking boots.

In the Mariposa Grove of Yosemite, the fallen trunk of of a huge Sequoia tree.

Had enough nature? Now for some of my new headshots:

So...much...pink...

I could totally beat you up.

Mad for plaid.

I'm more emo than you are.

Okay! Bored looking at me yet? I totally am! I will be back and blogging regularly starting next week... and I've got a survey to fill out, another award to pass along, a Big Idea to share... and some really cool news. :)

Love and miss all of you!!

*yes, that's grammatically correct.

the fear is falling away (like feathers on fire)

I promised explanations and now I'm kicking myself for it. I really, REALLY hate explanations. There's a reason why my blog title translates to the thing speaks for itself.

Explanations are boring. And I have a low threshold for boredom. But some of you asked me to tell the long version of stories and I agreed because what I hate even more than boring is having people feel left out or lost. So tell me if you've ever felt this way: that you weren't good enough.

Tell me if you've ever sat in the room and thought, I have no idea what I'm doing and if they find out I'll be shot for sure.

Tell me if you, like me, grew up in a house of grenades, each step or word the possibility of an explosion, and it made you so nervous to draw attention to yourself that you cloaked yourself in silence so that when the grenades went off you were far, far away from the shrapnel. Tell me if you still carry that on your jacket of self-worth, that quality of staying in the back of the room, flying low under the radar, the fear you carry like a knife to protect you but you're noticing more and more that it just ends up cutting down all the growth in your life.

I walk this walk every day, in an industry that tramples on people who don't think they deserve attention. I have been blessed by the opportunities I've had so far in trying to be an actress - people who have literally written roles for me, or jumped on board a project when they found out I was involved, or looked me straight in the eye and told me they'd go wherever I went because they trusted me. I'm honored by this - and I don't take it for granted. Not even for a second.

But the other side of it is that I suck at marketing myself and I'm pretty much my own worst enemy. If you read my guest post over at Lira's you know that while I was already going through a fairly big life change of moving in with that boy I adore, she helped me pack and shrieked a lot - at the same time, seriously - about how I needed to use this momentum to finally DO.SOMETHING. with my fairly stalled acting career. I had put it on the back-burner yet again because...because...wait, I'm thinking...

Because I'm scared. Because the voices in my head that scream the loudest are the ones that tell me that I don't have any talent, that I've got a one in a million chance to make it in this town, that I'm nothing.

That I'm worthless.

So I gathered what momentum I could and cut my hair cuter, gently "fired" my talent manager (who's still one of my best friends, thank god for his emotional maturity when it comes to business), scheduled not one but two different headshot sessions, and called in a favor. This favor was that I needed a referral for all the new managers and agents I'm gonna submit myself to and therefore risk rejection from - and I knew who I wanted to call but was afraid I'd piss off this casual acquaintance who also just happens to be one of the biggest casting directors in Hollywood right now. But you know what sucks more than rejection? Not trying.

So I bit the bullet. I asked the casting director for a referral. And do you know what he said?

He said not only would he love to refer me but that he would personally meet with me so that he could recommend some specific agents and managers that I should submit to.

Now, I know that I want to be a success, and that my friends and family are interested in it because they want to see me happy.

But with my low levels of self-esteem these days... I never dreamed that someone who knows my work and isn't related by blood or love would actually be interested in seeing me make it in LA. I didn't know...and I never expected it.

I'm starting to get bolder, and less scared, and starting to think this crazy notion that maybe, just maybe, I deserve good things to happen to me. That's tough to explain to someone who grew up thinking she was a magnet for all the bad in the world; it's tough for me to understand that maybe I deserve good just as much as other people. But I'm working on it, and I've come too far to go back now, and the changes are coming a mile a minute and I'm working my ass off to make sure I land on my feet when the fire's gone out and there's nothing but smoke left.

(This is also the reason why I named myself Phoenix.)

And for those who asked about my friendship with Lira - I'll just say this. There are many, many guys in my life whom I call brothers. There is only one female on this entire planet that I call my sister, and that's Lira. She grew up in the same kind of home that I did, so she knows. She gets it. And when things got really bad in college she physically took my hand to the student counseling center and stayed with me while I filled out the What's Your Damage form and counseling got me talking and talking got me less angry and less angry saved my life. So you could say that when she tells me to do something (shrieks, even), I listen.

Eventually.

Not all who wander are lost...

...but I'm a little lost in my new apartment right now, buried under boxes and trying to figure out exactly why I thought the sofa would fit in that one spot.

As a result I'm behind on a lot of things, including changing my address for all my bills, figuring out exactly where all my underwear got packed, eating a real meal that doesn't come with Fire Sauce or french fries, and of course, reading all of your blogs. So this post is just me taking a breather before I dive back into my to-do list and I'll be back and in better shape next week.

The always lovely Robin over at Your Daily Dose tagged me to answer eight questions about myself and because there's too much going on for me to sit down and actually blog about it I thought to myself, Hey, why not? Answering eight questions can't be too hard. So thank you Robin for tagging me - you are always so consistently thoughtful and such a great blogger friend :)

Robin thought these questions up herself and now I have an extra homework assignment to think of eight different questions to tag others with. I'll do that later too.

Here we go!


1. We all dance with the seven sins from time to time. Which of the seven sins do you dance with most frequently, and why? They are wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

I think I probably dabble in all of these in some minor form or another during my day. Except pride. I'm really, really good at not showing pride.*

2. If you could live for a week in the body of someone famous, who would it be? You would still be you, but you could access their need to know info as you needed to know it. Of course, the kicker is that they would live in your body and have the same privileges.

I would live for a week in Stephen Hawking's body. That way, I'd be brilliant for a week in his body, he'd be able to move and speak clearly in my body, and we'd both be richer for the experience.

3. Do you believe that angels walk among us? That there are true psychics, mediums, or anyone who is more connected to God than the average person?

This is tricky. I don't believe angels walk among us physically but rather come to us as inspired thoughts (maybe it's that little voice inside all of us) and I don't think anyone is more connected than anyone else to God. I just think there are people who are better listeners than others. I'm working on becoming a good listener.

4) Have you ever dreamed about a future event that happened, a past event that happened when you were but a very young child, or anything that was just so real, but otherworldly, that you felt its truth in your soul? If so, I'm listening.

I've never dreamed about the future... my dreams are usually very obvious though, so I almost always feel their truth. I don't usually get too much otherworldly activity in my life...for which I'm very grateful. Once upon a time I took two weeks away from everyone and everything in my life and just prayed and meditated in a hotel room by myself. I grew so much spiritually that one morning I heard what the sunrise sounds like...but that's another blog post for another time. That's about the closest I've come to otherworldly (except for that time I was in the same room as a very cranky ghost...but that's ANOTHER blog post for another time.)

5) Do you feel like you have a gift that you aren't using? It could be for anything. Design, writing, art, photography, decoration. The list is endless.

I think I'd be a really good suicide counselor. I don't think I'm strong enough to use this gift to its full potential though.

6) Is there someone that you are unwilling to forgive? Is it weighing on your heart? Eating you up on the inside? This is a yes or no. If it is yes, I hope you make the choice today to want to forgive and then let it go. Throw out your desire into the universe.

I have forgiven everyone who needs forgiving - not for them, but for me. Forgiveness is a two-way road. It blesses both people and allows movement and freedom on both sides - and if one side isn't moving, the other side isn't either.

7) If we were able to take away or add one element into the heart of each and every man, which one would be the one that would make the most difference in making this world a better place to live?

I wasn't sure if this question meant "man" as in "mankind" or as in "males." So I'll answer both. If I were able to take away or add one element into the heart of each and every person (mankind) I would take judgment away. How many times do we needlessly judge others? And for what? To build ourselves up? To tear others down? Our judgmentalism keeps us from reaching to those in need, to realizing that everyone is doing their best, to letting ourselves lead guilt-free lives full of unconditional love for ourselves and others. What does it matter how the person next to you is living their life? It doesn't affect you any. Let it go, get over it, live your own life and stop telling people what to do with their lives.

If I were able to take away or add one element into the heart of each and every male, I would take away the need to dominate women physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. If someone sat me down and explained to me for a thousand years why men need to keep women from having power over their own lives, jobs, bodies, sexuality, and happiness, I still wouldn't get it. What is it that drives so many men to want to control women?

8) What is the last movie you saw at the movie theater? Using the five star system, how would you rate it?

Scott Pilgrim vs The World. I'd give it 6 stars out of 5. It's one of the smartest movies about relationships that I've ever seen. Don't let the 8-Bit video game fighting montages scare you away. Go with your loved one, giggle and laugh out loud, and then get over the past.


That's all, folks! Also, just to let you know - my girl Lira over at The Struggling Actress is away at Burning Man (that dirty hippie!) so she asked me to guest post for her. She's putting up my post Sept. 1st so go check it out!



*irony alert

best birth control....EVER

*the following is an actual, word for word conversation I had with a friend over the phone*


Me: Hey S., how's it going?

S.: Good, it's going great!

Me: Yeah? How's Alora? Is she getting big?

S.: Oh my God, she's growing up so fast.

Me: Really? Awww, does she remember her crazy Aunt Tracy?

S.: Right now I'm not sure she remembers ME. But sometimes when I tickle her and she giggles, then she looks at me and... uh oh.

Me: What?

S.: Uh, I gotta go.

Me: Why, what happened?

S.: (cheerfully) Alora just pooped so hard it sprayed up the back of her shirt and onto my pants.

Me: OH

S.: Wow, it's on my shirt too.

Me: MY

S.: K, call you later, alright?

Me: GOD.

S.: ::hangs up::



Dear Universe, if and when I decide to ever have kids, could you just send me one in the form of a well-adjusted 19 year old English Lit major so we can talk and have coffee and stuff? And spare me the poop-spraying and sleep deprivation and temper tantrums and teenage dating ordeals?

mmmmkkkay thanks.

pardon our mess...

Things are under construction in my life once again.

About 98% of my belongings are now in boxes, thanks to three intrepid friends of mine who, when I posted on Facebook on Sunday that I was doing some serious procrastination with my packing, invited themselves over one at a time to help me pack. I stood there, overwhelmed and a little freaked out, as they helped me neatly pack books (WHY DO I OWN SO MANY BOOKS?!) and dvd's, trinkets and memories, vases and tea light holders, bowls and spoons, into box after box after box. I have the best friends in the entire world, of that I am certain. I must have been Joan of Arc in a former life to deserve such loyalty.

The apartment Benni and I are moving into should be ready hopefully within a week. We won't be signing the lease until the construction is finished, which freaks me out. Right now I have to be out of my current apartment by September 1st and I don't have a lease signed for the new place yet. I am in mid-air, suspended, between two trapeze bars, with a very long fall and a very shallow safety net if this new apartment doesn't work out.

As Benni pointed out, worst case scenario, the apartment we're in love with doesn't work out, we're out the $1100 security deposit we put down, and we have roughly ten days to find another apartment and do it all over again.

As I pointed out, that's a pretty damn awful worst-case scenario.

I also can't find my current lease agreement, (I couldn't find it even before my life was put into boxes) which probably has it very clearly written that I paid $200 for a cat deposit, and my apartment landlord is now arguing and saying, No, you only paid $100.

Breathe and smile. Breathe and smile.

In the meantime:

Go and read this post about fatherhood. It's amazing, honest, and captures a sentiment that I think a lot of men feel but rarely get a chance to put into such well-written words. Read the post right after it too, if you want, because it's just as good but for completely different reasons.

And a long time ago, The Purple Cow over at Australian in Athens left this for me as a comment. It's kind of changed my life, and I printed it out and read it and re-read it almost daily. Purple Cow, if I didn't thank you before... I'm thanking you now. Thank you, a million times thank you.

I think I'm somewhere between Change #3 and Change #4.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIVE SHORT CHANGES ON CHANGE - Author unknown

Chapter 1.
I walk down a street and there's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. It takes forever to get out. It's my fault.

Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street. I fall in the hole again. It still takes a long time to get out. It's not my fault.

Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street. I fall in the hole again. It's becoming a habit. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street and see the deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5.
I walk down a different street.

twitterpated

In case I hadn't already mentioned it on this blog...

I am absolutely, head-over-boots, completely and utterly in love with this guy.

Don't throw up on your shoes all at once. I'm not sappy that often so I deserve a Get out of Jail Free card every once in a while.

Who (or what) are you guys in love with right now?