Thursday, July 28, 2011

I'm not dead/ just floating

The problem with using your blog as a diary and simultaneous motivator is obvious, when you look at it: it's the very simple fact that when things are hard in your life, you don't want to make a record of it to go back to; but then you can't really blog so you end up feeling alone. And as someone who considers myself a fighter, with that very New England spirit of hating whiners, even more so when it's myself doing the whining, I basically boxed myself in, and left myself with no one to talk to. And I shut you all out. And for that, I'm sorry.

I think blogs are supposed to represent us at our most honest: the good days and the bad. And when I'm doing badly, well, I tend to push people away and not want to talk about it, because I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear it. And I hate talking about it, I really do. And I sometimes think this blog is supposed to be the place where I put my best face forward (except for the occasional hilarious story about me knocking myself unconscious on a tree) and I think I need to just knock that the hell off.

So many of you left beautiful, wonderful, amazingly supportive comments that I just never even responded to - which is crappy of me - and I want to say belatedly that every single one of them made me light up inside and grin and tear up and feel like you guys really do understand me. And a very special shout-out goes to Bathwater, who not only left me incredibly supportive comments but also tirelessly emailed me to check in on me. Bath, you are an amazing man. I can't thank you enough for being such a good friend.

Things are moving ahead slowly and steadily. To be absolutely and brutally honest, which I'm trying to be a bit more, I have stopped being able to make it to my martial arts classes and without those natural mood-lifting endorphins I get when I exercise, I relapsed into my depression. I don't talk a lot about my depression, mostly because when I work out three days a week I'm usually beating it, but sometimes it gets the better of me, and I hate feeling like I'm admitting defeat when I post about it. But there it is. It is a constant weight on my shoulders, and I am always aware of it, looking for signs of it, looking for when I open my mouth and instead of it being ME who speaks, it is the depression - and it knows all of my back doors and cracks and buttons, this demon, and it's really damn good at making me want to give up.

So I have that to wrestle with, and I'm going to try meditation (if you just rolled your eyes, believe me, I did too, but I'm out of drug-less options at this point) so that I can actually sleep at night and concentrate and not tear up when things aren't 100 percent perfect. I'm also going to be buying a new car in September that I can't really afford, but the constant repairs that I ALSO can't afford will cease and I will be driving a car that I actually like for my two hour daily commute, and that will make things better. I am also auditioning more, moving forward with a second season of my web-series, and I'm going to go restore my soul by camping at Yosemite in early September.

So good things are happening and are on the horizon. I'm horribly behind on reading and commenting on everyone's blogs - again, my apologies. I took a giant step back from this blog, but honestly, now that I think about it, I moved in the wrong direction. I see now that with blogger friends like you guys, I didn't need to step back. I needed to step forward and really listen to how amazingly supportive you guys were, and I'm gonna try to work at doing that from now on.

Much love and light,


Bathwater said...

You should know by now, it takes a lot to shut me out ;). I don't like seeing you do bad because you are inspirational but it also makes you human. We can all relate to that. There wouldn't be much to read on my blog if I cut out all the bad now would there. But then again I might never meet you through it either.

Congratulations on buying a new car. Treat it well and keep it for ever. It is not a bad investment when your comfort is at stack. Keep fighting the bad days you are a better, healthier person for it.

Lira said...

love and light, love and light. and carmax.<3

kj said...

such true honest words. i struggle with this too, or maybe it's my ego that struggles: i have the damnest time sharing those struggles until i have a handle on them. then i can look together again and talk about how i made it through a hard time--past tense of course!

i admire you and i want the universe to reassure you. :^) i think the new car is a good move. you deserve that absence of stress.

and tracey, you are right that this is a place you can be your real self. there is support here. and you are definitely not walking your path alone! look! can you see me?


Red Shoes said...

I like the idea of using my blog as a diary... When my Dad died, I started journaling... my Dad's Death Journal morphed into My Divorce Journal in the matter of just a few months. I don't mind others reading my thoughts about my hurts and all, but there have been several people to find my blog that know me... and I have started hiding parts of me away... not writing about them... and I don't like that.

Survive the bad days... and have a Hell of a lot of fun with the good days...

You are going to be ok...

And you are right about Bathwater... he really is a great guy!


Snowbrush said...

"I see now that with blogger friends like you guys, I didn't need to step back."

Ah, thank you.

g. fox said...

you just keep breathing girl. we're all behind you.

Two Tigers said...

I am so glad you stepped back into this blog, I really missed you! And by you, I mean the one with nothing but inspiring strength radiating from her and also the one who gets down and gets beat sometimes. Maybe it took a step away to realize how much your blogfriends appreciate everything that you are, good and bad, so that is a good thing in the end! About drugless ways to keep depression manageable...I hear ya. When I am getting plenty of exercise, including meditation, nothing can drag me into the pit. I've lately slacked off on the fitness and I can see the results in that every little obstacle looms larger and darker. Only the part of my mind that knows this is a biochemical effect and not the true tragedy it seems to be saves me. So, how about we both vow to take a walk or hit the gym a few times a week and sit quietly for ten minutes every day? Be well, my friend.

Barbara said...

Every day, another step forward my friend. We're with you all the way.

Taylor K said...

Welcome back! I have also been a blog slacker lately. Hoping to make a return in the next month or so....

We shall see.

Wine and Words said...

Depression is hard. I once wrote that I have to dig myself out of a pit before I even start my day. I also was out of options, so I got my sad ass to the pharmacy. It's helping. Never an easy fix though...there are dosing questions, and brand questions, and side effects to deal with. But I am engaged and excited about my life again. My creativity is back and I am making things with my hands, learning the guitar again and constantly have a camera in my hands. I cry rarely, but still can (important.) I take just enough meds to keep the wolves at bay, but not enough that I don't FEEL. Ya know you can talk to me about it anytime. You know where to reach me girlfriend. Hugs, prayers, and a pat on the back. You're figuring it out. I see you working so hard.

JJ said...

I hope you don't watch TV. If you do, stop. Hang in there and be well.

Miss Sweet Tea said...

I understand what you are talking about. Every day is a struggle for me, and I often wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. It's easy to blame it on something/someone else, but to be honest, I guess we are in control of our own lives. Don't let depression get the best of you! You are so strong and inspiring to a lot of us and I hope you find it in you to keep marching ahead!

Kris said...

I know the feeling of what NOT working out can do to your soul. It's so important on so many levels. Hopefully you'll get something in. I would suggest walking but you are probably like me and walking does NOTHING for you workout wise. Walking is nothing. It's nice for leisure but I don't get a rise out of it otherwise.

Dave said...

Automobiles are the downfall of the human race! (okay, that's not true, but they sure can be a pain in the ass) Maybe you should buy a gas economical Harley, and then you could proudly proclaim yourself scooter trash! Ofcourse it kinda sucks when it's hot, rains, or you'd like to arrive with decent hair.

Ed Pilolla said...

nothing wrong with taking a step back, even an extended one. thanks for sharing about your depression. i have been battling depression for more than two years. it is indeed a demon. you are so perfectly accurate about the blog and why we don't want to write about shit in our lives. i find your energy so honest and genuine. some people know exactly what to blog about, some are bound to consistently reflect on their content, like us, i think. as lira sez, love and light. i'm very blessed to know you here:) a new car, huh? ah, movie stars...

Robin said...

I know how you are feeling. I tend to be the same way. I tend to pull back. I don't like sharing the bad stuff because I don't think that people really want to hear about it. Especially when it is the same crap recycled over and over. So, I just pull back and wait for things to get better. And wait and wait and wait. However, you are very much loved. I am now and will always be rooting for you.

Carissa said...

totally understand. I think there are a lot of people who are right there with you, it's just hard to admit. I always admire your honesty though, I really do. you're such a beautiful spirit. no matter what you post about, that's what I always see through the words. sending you lots of love and light! and I'll take some to carry me through the week too :)

Lori ann said...

ah honey, i'm sorry. you don't deserve to feel this way, i don't like to see anyone hurting.

how we all approach our blogs is as different as our fingerprints. i think the only rule to follow is to be yourself and do what feels right to you.

i found that when i went through my divorce (and filled too many pages with sadness and misery) i HATED reading what i'd written. for me, to write negative is to dwell in it too. But i know depression is a different thing altogther and i hope you know that what ever you do writing or not, you'll have the support of so many people that love you. me of course included.

and because i'm such a mom (wanting everyone to be happy), i LOVED the way you ended this post, yay for all the good things coming your way.

Anonymous said...

i'm currently buying you an ice-cream, although I guess I will have to eat it for you too what with you being so far away n'all ...

The Tame Lion said...

We all are always here to support you.

Eric W. Trant said...

I missed this post because I am a lazy ass. Arse.

Arse is what they say in Ireland.

He's a lazy arsehole!

That's me.

I sat on the steps this evening with my stepdaughter. She's my daughter in my heart, but my step via blood.

We sat on the front steps, on that concrete leading up to the house, me drinking my second dark Belgian Ale -- which if you ask me tastes like a fine dessert -- her drinking her bottled water.

She's eleven and as beautiful as her mother. Sometimes it's like going back in time to sit with her.

We looked at the moon.

It's a near-full moon tonight, and over Dallas the skies are covered with a thick blanket of mist.

Clouds are mist, you know, sky-fog.

The moon looked half-full. Then it disappeared. Then it was half-full but the bottom half, not the top.

Then it was full and gone again.

It is a werewolf moon tonight, the sort that makes you want to howl.

She and I howled. We made up ghost stories, and talked about cats. We call the rabbits cats, and say there are feral kitties nibbling in our gardens with long ears and fluffy pink tails. She thinks that's funny, and I laugh even if I don't fully understand why it's funny.

It is what it is, when you're floating my dear. You float.

It's effortless.

You stop thinking. You exist. You let life swirl around you like the fucked-up whirlpool it is and try not to sink like the turd you are.

God that's sick. I've never claimed to be otherwise.

I spent most of the day depressed for no good reason.

But watching the moon with my step-daughter, my daughter, a girl-going-on-woman, I found a little snippet of happiness, and like that dog on a bone I gobbled it down and tried like hell not to sink.

Float float float.

I've missed you as well, more than most, more than the rest, more than them all combined. It's your heart I miss, that beautiful heart.

But don't tell anyone that.

Especially Benny. He might kick my arse.

- Eric

Anonymous said...

Oh all my friends, the ones who battle depression are the ones who radiate creativity, compassion and acceptance.

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