Wednesday, November 3, 2010

the one where I explain everything: Part 1

Okay, that's not technically true. I can't explain EVERYTHING. That would take a super long time, and I have yet to find a satisfactory explanation for aardvarks or the book of Leviticus, so I can't really be expected to explain those to you when I don't quite understand them myself.

I am the essence of the middle of a thought, and I try to make my posts reflect that. Maybe it's because I'm a Gemini, perhaps it's because I have the attention span of a breath mint. I'm not quite sure. Oooooh, something shiny, be right back.

But I do know that every so often I leave you guys with a "and that's another post for another time" cliff-hanger and I have yet to ever follow up with any of the explanations that I promised. So I'm trying to change that with these next couple posts, but it's okay if you get bored. You can skip them if you want. I won't tell. They're filler posts while I'm sorting out my life.

So long ago, in my very first "here's what I'm about" post, I mentioned that I once accidentally called Pamela Anderson stupid to her face. Now, that isn't technically true. Technically, I accidentally insinuated that Pamela Anderson was stupid to her face.

Big difference, people.

I was at one of those big Hollywood charity events, where the celebrities show up just to get a bag of freebies and photographed for InStyle Magazine, and it was getting late. We were all outside a huge house hidden far back in the canyons, waiting for our cars to be returned to us by valet parking. Well, I was waiting for my car. I turned to my left and noticed that standing right next to me was Pamela Anderson, who was clearly waiting for her limo.

She turned to me, probably in expectation that I was going to say something, and I felt a certain pressure to do exactly that, even though I'm not usually the kind of person who says something just because there's silence. I quite enjoy silence, actually. Particularly when it's not my voice screwing up the silence.

"It's nice to meet you," I say, and trooper that she is, Pamela automatically sticks out her hand to shake mine. Think, brain, think. Say something that she probably doesn't hear very often so you can be different and then she won't think you're a sycophantic imbecile.

"I really liked the articles you wrote for Jane Magazine," I offer up, and she brightens, and it's true, she used to write very honest and intelligent articles for what used to be the coolest magazine on the planet. "I really like how intelligent you came across, and I figure, no one ever says that to you..."

She stops shaking my hand and we just stare at each other, probably because she's trying to figure out whether or not I just called her stupid. To her face.

"'Kay, gotta go, nice to meet you," I mumble, and am forced to haul my freezing ass out of the very long valet line simply so that I don't have to keep standing next to someone whom I just called out as not coming across as very intelligent. Stupid, stupid, my brain kept chanting to me, as I walked back inside the house and waited a good 45 minutes before risking going outside again.

On the plus side, at least I didn't tell one of the biggest spokespersons for PETA that the M.A.C. makeup she advertises for not only isn't vegan, but also uses animal hair for their brushes.

That makes up for it, right? I'm still a good person...

34 comments:

Ed Pilolla said...

yeah, i guess you're a good person:)
after all, you came back outside after 45 minutes. i would have waited at least an hour.
funny stuff. she might remember that encounter. it's possible you'll see her again and get a chance to make up for it, or make things worse:)
thanks for checking in. all's well. working too hard on my end.

Okie said...

lol...that's awesome.

JJ said...

Phoenix: No need to explain anything. I read your bio from the earlier post. The thing speaks for itself.

Phoenix said...

Ed - glad to hear you are doing well. I'm sure she doesn't remember (I hope!).

Okie - Slightly less awesome when you're the one who did it. ;)

JJ - YES! Finally! Someone gets why I made my blog title what it is!! You, sir, are awesome.

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

Totally still a good person!
great story- thanks for sharing-

Bathwater said...

I think your mind was in the right place but your mouth got tripped up. I'd just blame the alcohol.

Lydia Kang said...

LOL! I probably would have said the same thing.
Don't worry about Pamela. Hopefully once she was in her cozy limo she forgot all about it.

Also she used to wear Ugg boots for a long time before someone pointed out they were sheepskin. As if it wasn't obvious before...

kj said...

this is a darling post and i'm glad i've read it, but i'm really here to thank you for your comment and poem you left on lori's ♥ blog. it no doubt touched her and it no doubt touched me too.

so now that i'm here, i know you are a good writer and a bit of a hoot, all good things for someone who is also compassionately sweet

come visit me anytime if you'd like. i love lori and i think you do too.

love
kj

Anthony Duce said...

I’m sure she understood the true intention of the comment, especially after you slinked away. After playing the character for so long, she’d have to have had the experience many other times.

Terresa said...

You met Pam Anderson & shook her hand? I think that would be huge, seeing as most people (well, guys at least) would go in to shake, erm, something else of hers...

Loved your bit about having an "attention span of a breath mint." Love you, mint, words & all!

Lori ann said...

oh if only you'd have used that sign language...
:)

Ida Nielsen said...

Haha, that's a classic!!

Barbara said...

Oh Lord, I do stupid stuff like that all the time. Sometimes I am amazed at the crap that comes flowing out of my mouth, completely skipping my brain.

Gwen said...

So funny!!! Do you ever wonder if she still thinks about that moment? Like when I put my foot in my mouth I think about it all the time but I also wonder if the other person thinks about it too. This is why I love your blog. Funny stories to make my boring work day bright. :) XOXO

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Ouch! *cringe* I've done that kind of thing before. Once the words left my lips, I realized they could be construed as a dig, although I hadn't meant it that way. It comes of being honest, which you are. And now it makes an amusing anecdote. :D

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

haha...
I've also seen her dressed in feathers,feathers & furs...quite close no? Reminds me of your sign language post!

maggisaar said...

God.
I love everything about you.

Ashley said...

Two thumbs up for hilariousness!

Wine and Words said...

"Squirrel!" (My attention span follows rabbit trails)

Well....she does come across rather...ya know! I mean it was honest. You didn't say she was. I mean...I got it...so, it's okay...cuz I don't get much...

Robin said...

I read this one and the earlier post. Both were awesome. I always like learning new things about you. As usual, you crack me up at some point during the story. Or several points.

So, if I was on point with the PA meeting NOTHING is "what she said." I just want to be clear, because I totally dig the "That's what she said." Apparently Pam is the silent type.

If I ruled the universe I would let Joss Whedon make whatever show he wanted and let it run as long as he wanted. That's What She Said. As in me. Sadly, Firefly is no longer an option because Nathan Fillion is so CUTE as CASTLE that I LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM on that show. And Wash is dead. Blah blah blah. I think FAITH would be excellent. Spike and Harmony could come back and Connor. Angel's son. I can see that rocking. That's What She Said. I just had to say it again.

Carissa said...

haha, what a funny story! I'm sure it wasn't funny for you at the time-- I would be so embarrassed!-- but it is funny looking back on it now. and you are TOTALLY a good person! :) you didn't exactly mean to call her stupid...

Eric W. Trant said...

You should've said it to her in sign language. Maybe you would have said she gave stupid BJs.

Or at least implied it.

I once saw someone else's kid tell former Dallas Cowboy Tony Dorsett, to his face, that he preferred hockey and didn't like football at all.

The kid's mom was about to faint. "Tell him you like football, boy, tell him you like football."

"Not really," the kid said. "I like hockey. Football's not my kind of sport."

We were in line to buy a fried turkey -- yes, I wrote that -- and the whole place got quiet when we saw who walked into the store. I had a great seat because I was in front of the mom and her boy when Tony came in.

Funny that Tony didn't cut in line. He laughed and waited for his turkey like everybody else, and told that little boy that hockey was a good sport to like.

- Eric

a whole lotta love said...

oh my goodness. so funny. but don't feel stupid about it. isn't it strange how we all get so star struck? they are just people after all. i've met a few 'famous' people though too when all i've said is something ridiculous and that they've probably heard a million times. oh well. just got to laugh at ourselves :)

drollgirl said...

BAHAHAH!!!! a backhanded compliment! i do that sometimes, too. d'oh! we cannot pre-plan our every word, and sometimes it shows!

THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGH!

and she'll be ok. i don't think she gets mistaken for being a genius very often! :)

Castor said...

Ahaha, awesome story. And of course, you are still a good person! It's all about the intention and they were good-hearted :)

Purple Cow said...

Hahaha...You are so cool!

You merely spoke words of truth...Anderson isn't respected for the size of her brain, is she?

Maggie May said...

oh my god, that is exactly something i would have done!

Dionne said...

Awwww... you had good intentions. Lol. Classic!

Jo said...

I bet she realized that you were well meaning and that the words just didn't come out quite as planned. And now we get to benefit from the awkward situation you both were in! ;)

By the way, I used to see her at the Malibu Country Mart with her sons. Sweats. No makeup. She's much prettier without it!

The Kid In The Front Row said...

Um, breath mints actually have a very good attention span.

Robin said...

Usually I don't have to leave you drop in for HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY comments, but I did hit you this past Thursday and want to make sure you see it!

Kris said...

hahaha you are a good person! Great story!

Lori ann said...

you okay honey? just doing a mama check. ♥

Heather Taylor said...

Ahhh, face to hand moment. Maybe one day she'll recount this moment as being very funny on Conan or Jimmy Kimmel. I know I would if I were famous.

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