Thursday, September 24, 2009

biography, nutshell version

So I promised myself that when I got to 50 followers (don't laugh, oh ye of the 900 followers; I never thought I'd have more than 5 people reading this random thing) I'd write a short(ish) bio introducing myself for those new to following my blog, or just visiting, or really really bored.

I was born in a very small town in New Hampshire in a big house on a dead end street. Across the street from my home were the woods and streams and fields where I played all day in the summertime, and I'd come home at night covered in dirt, ticks, and stained with blackberry and raspberry juice. To this day, I hold a special place in my heart for trees and streams and dirt and picking berries. The ticks can shove it.

Highlights from my youth include the time my parents gave the family dog away while I was over at a friend's house and the time my mom decided to dress me up as a Christmas present for the annual Christmas parade down main street. I wore a huge box wrapped in Christmas paper that had holes for my head, arms, and legs, but it was too heavy for my little body, so as I marched in the parade, in the middle of the street, I leaned back too far and lost my balance, landing flat on my back in the box. But because the box was too big and heavy I couldn't regain my footing so all I could do was kick my little legs and flail out my arms like a special needs turtle while the entire town pointed and laughed at me.

No, I'm not kidding. Thanks, mom.

At age nine I moved to Southern California and did elementary school, middle school, high school and then college in Orange County, getting a BFA in Make Believe (with an emphasis in Bad Childhood) from Chapman University and studying abroad for a semester in London.

When I was twelve I was eating sushi and visiting Buddhist temples in Japan, when I was fourteen I was hiking around the base of the Matterhorn in Switzerland and eating bratwurst in Germany, and when I graduated from high school my best friend and I went on a twenty day tour of England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.

I have flown in a helicopter, reached over the side of a sailing boat to pet wild dolphins, bought a painting of the Eiffel Tower from a street artist in Paris, seen Michelangelo's David in Italy, danced in clubs in London, consumed Belgian waffles as my dinner in a dark corner of Brussels, accidentally opened the shower doors on three naked and surprised Welshmen at a hostel in Wales, sung "Hey Jude" at the top of my lungs with the rest of the crowd at Temple Bar in Dublin, bought puppet masks in the marketplace in the capital of the Czech Republic, eaten bangers and mash and fish and chips (but not together, ew), walked the red light district in Amsterdam, and snorkeled with hundreds of jellyfish in Bermuda (and wasn't stung).

I have hit myself in the teeth with my own nunchucks, I have been carded for buying root beer, I have been in the same room with a very cranky ghost, I have called 911 more times than I'd ever like to talk about, I have jumped on a trampoline and socked myself in the eye with my own knee, I have had a horse sneeze on my face, I have broken three boards stacked together with my flying side kick during my black belt test, I have ridden in an ambulance, I have been pulled over by a police officer while breaking about six laws and driven away with only a warning, I have washed blood out of my clothes, I have been the girl dancing on the speakers at a club, I have seen an entire Green Day concert from six feet away on stage because I was admitted into the private sound check, I have walked into a tree and given myself a concussion, and I once accidentally called Pamela Anderson stupid to her face.

(Whoops.)

I'm exceptionally bad at most sports involving balance and/or wheels, or that require me to have any sort of lasting endurance past about 8 minutes. This is why I don't jog. Or skateboard. My mini golf scores are obscenely high, my bowling scores are disgustingly low, my Ikea furniture building success rate is about 87%, I was a vegetarian for approximately 8 months in college, I don't usually kiss boys on the first date because I'm a little shy, and I'm a good listener. In fifth grade, when all the other kids in class said they wanted to grow up and be doctors, lawyers, or ballerinas, I told the class I wanted to be a translator for the United Nations.

Some day I want to learn how to drive stick shift, shoot pool and guns better, play the guitar, and do a proper handstand. I also want to learn American Sign Language, Greek, and Parkour.

And if I ruled the world I would bring back the tv show Firefly, and I'd make sure that toilet paper, clean water, and AIDS medication was free and available to anyone who needed it. I'd also change how Quantum Leap ended.

I write, I act, I take photographs, and I blog.

25 comments:

Iva said...

ok! this was fabulous! What a fantastic bio....hilarious too at some points might I add...you are so very well traveled! ...also...I'm really sorry your parents gave your dog away! ohhh parents!! ....at least you got to be your very own Christmas present :) {omg lol so sorry!!!} HILARIOUS!

Miss Sweet Tea said...

I love it! I was actually once a Christmas present for Halloween. I think I was 8 or 9. The next Halloween I got to be a laundry basket and my parents were the laundry line with clothespins hanging from it...fun.

I did a lot of traveling too as a child, and while it was great, I was always envious of the families that just went to the beach for a week instead of foreign countries!

Thanks for sharing your bio!!!!

Jenn said...

wow - you are a very complex (and fascinating!) person. thanks for sharing!! :)

Joker_SATX said...

This goes to show you that the world is not small enough.

You wear Batman shirts...I like Batman.

You were born in NH. I was a resident of both Nashua and Manchester...hanging most of my time in Salem and Litchfield for 9 years.

You got to travel the world...I sort of did as well...

Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that you and I were probably on the same flight somewhere and didn't even know it?

Great Bio!

krista said...

you're about seven kinds of awesome. there are only six documented kinds.

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

It's quite a wonderful life you've had so far :)

drollgirl said...

you are so cool, and you have led such an amazing life so far! you have traveled to many of the places that i hope to visit someday.

and you know what? i bet you a bundle of money that i am a bigger klutz than you!

Gwen said...

This is a wonderful post!!! You might be happy to know that one year we wrapped a giant box and put a bow on my brother's head and he went trick or treating as a Christmas gift. I have done the breaking many laws and getting a warning too. And, I would also change the ending to Quantum Leap. :) XOXO

Ida Nielsen said...

Oh, I loved reading this!! So interesting and fun (especially the Christmas package story :-D )...

Kristin Quinn said...

I loved this post!!

Eeeno's World said...

"sung "Hey Jude" at the top of my lungs with the rest of the crowd at Temple Bar in Dublin"---so JEALOUS. Sounds amazing!

And not to worry...I've accidentally punched myself in the face during heavy bag class many times. I don't wear watches because I bang my arms into doorjams and walls constantly.

We should go shooting!

AJ said...

Carded for buying root beer? That's happened to me too! I think some clerks must just see "beer" and not pause for a half second to think.

Wine and Words said...

So, speaking of speakers....those big subwoofers make great vibrators :)

Nice to know more of you!

Marion said...

You are one courageous girl, Ms. Phoenix and you've lived more life already that most people do in 50 years! Congrats on the 53 followers! Even though I've never travelled more than 500 miles from my home, I have flown with arms spread wide over rivers in my dreams, walked on water and eaten magic flowers. I do love my colorful dreams! LOL! I've been around the world and back thousands of times in my books and inhabited fantasy worlds too magnificent for words. You are truly blessed to be so beautiful, talented and full of life. Blessings!!

Shanna Suburbia said...

I would have to declare my undying loyalty to you as a ruler if you brought back Firefly. Would it also be possible to stop George Lucas from trying to make any more Star Wars films?

drollgirl said...

i'd cream you in the klutz-off contest. for reals. i used to just tell people that my equilibrium was shot.

drollgirl said...

let me see if i can top the walking into tree story. hmmmm.

in junior high i broke my wrist playing four corner soccer. i knew i could not CATCH the ball that was thrown at me -- so i raised my arms/wrists to "protect" my face and thus broke my wrist.

um. let's see. what else.

walking in the rain once in college i slipped on the sidewalk and ended up doing the splits in front of a LOT of people. i cannot do the splits. i could hardly get up.

i will stop there. but you know i could go on and on.

:)

Dionne said...

Wow, you've done a lot! I sooo want to travel Italy one day.

I burst out laughing about Pamela Anderson, that's so funny. How did you even get in that situation?

Ooooh sign language. I want my kids to learn that. A gal I know has a little girl who isn't old enough to voice what she wants, but can sign it. She isn't deaf or anything, they just taught it to her to help her communicate. So cool!

Maggie May said...

i LOVE this! and Q.Leap- i like you even more!

Des said...

This is just an exceptional post. You really get a sense of you are from this. It's a pleasure to read your blog and I'm looking forward to your future posts.

QuickSilver said...

Whew! What a life!! :)
And I bet there's a lot more of that coming up.
Traveling is the one thing I've always wanted to do but haven't gotten around to yet. And reading about your exploits has just given a new lease of life to that dream.
Its great to know a little more of you, keep rocking! :)

Scrap Cat and The Mr. Pillow said...

Ok..I've been envious of your writings for a looong time...but now, knowing you'd bring back Firefly, THE greatest TV show ever...

Now...now I'm just spellbound by your awesomeness!!!

Keep bloggin' Phoenix, you inspire us all.

Kris said...

This was such a great read. You've been to so many places already!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

THIS IS FANTASTIC- I love the biographies! you're fab.

Okie said...

Nice bio. Concise, witty and well said. Thanks for sharing.

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