the unbearable lightness of being

Consider yourself warned that this post will have no neat beginning, middle, and end, no moral to the story, no general theme lined with specific examples, none of the stuff that I usually strive for in my posts. My mother, who is a professional writer, would be ashamed. But I've been busy - busy working, busy chasing my own tail, busy being busy, trying to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish my goals in a linear fashion of when projects are due versus which project has people attached to it that like to scream and wave their hands frantically at me and insist on being the center of my universe.

What I would like to be doing: catching up on episodes of Revenge. Eating my weight in ice cream. Working off the ice cream by doing Yoga or something else that might make me feel strong and healthy and be able to stop my brain from doing the Neurotic Tango when the lights go out - three things I haven't felt or done in a long time.

What I am doing instead: memorizing lines for the show I'm in once a month; memorizing lines for my acting class; memorizing lines for the web-series I'm co-starring in and shooting almost every weekend day (which means I haven't had a proper weekend in a month, as I work Monday through Friday, then shoot 8 am to 8 pm on Saturdays and Sundays, then go back to work on Mondays); memorizing ASL signs for the ASL class I'm in (my final was last night, and I passed with flying colors); and doing production work (putting together call sheets, call times, time schedules, etc) for the web-series I'm also acting in. I also just got elected to the Board of my church, as its youngest member. Oh, and hey, I'm also planning my wedding.

Color me overwhelmed. With what feels like permanent marker.

So here's a list of things that have got me through the past few weeks.

• I've started leaving my office during lunch. Instead of sitting at my desk and eating in front of the soft, romantic glow of my computer screen, and occasionally working during my lunch (answering phone calls, responding to the boss' needs, checking work email), one day I just walked out of the damn building with my food and a book and found a quiet place to sit and read while I ate. And it was the best lunch hour of my life. So I did it again the next day, and the next. I can't tell you how much it's improved my sanity to eat while no one is bothering me, and to eat outdoors. It's like getting a high-five from the universe every single day.

•  This line by Mary Oliver, which pretty much has become my dictum for life: "Pay attention.
  Be astonished. Tell about it.” Just about every thing Mary Oliver writes comes down to attention, so much so that she compares it to prayer on numerous occasions. And whenever things suck in my life, it's usually because I'm not paying attention to what really matters, to being in the moment and instead I'm elsewhere, distracted, half-assing it. It's the Kairos moment I talked about as my new year's theme and it's where the root of my spirituality lies and every second I am kind to myself or to someone else (which is by far the most important thing on this planet), it's because I was finally paying attention.

• An interactive photograph of the entire universe. It's not fake, it's not Photoshop. It's the deepest photograph of the universe as we know it yet, and when things get stressful I literally just go to the website and tilt up the picture 90 degrees so that it feels like I am lying on my back, staring up at stars. It works wonders.

•  Realizing my ego does not go gently into that good night, and reciting this line over and over again to counteract the loudness of its tantrums: "Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?"(source here)

• This.  

•  Following this guy on Twitter. He also wrote a book. Sample dictionary definition of his: "Between, prep.: I live in the area bounded by my expectations and my disappointments."

• Buying tickets to not one but TWO Hollywood Bowl shows this year: Pixar in Concert in August and Florence + the Machine in early October. 

• Oh and: fresh strawberries, naps, back rubs from my favorite guy, engagement parties, flip-flop weather, Mother's Day picnics, ice cold pink lemonade, frozen yogurt, clean sheets, too much poetry, letting it go, letting it go even more, and gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

2012...

Earlier this year I read this great, hilarious, insightful article about raising kids, and while it scared the ever-living crap out of me (I have found that if I ever get dreamy-eyed about having a child, all I need to do is read articles about raising said child, and it's pretty much the best birth control ever), I also came across a concept in the article where I was like, YES. I am going to use that as my manifesto for 2012! And it wasn't about doing more crunches (which I totally don't need to do for like, another three weeks! Thanks Stomach Flu diet! You're the BEST!) or getting up earlier (which I actually DO need to do) but it was about elevating thought, and therefore moments, in my life.

The author called it the difference between chronos time (time that moves forward in a sequential, linear way) and kairos time. Kairos time is what we experience in heightened, measured moments, moments when we fully take in all the gorgeousness that surrounds us, when perspective shifts and we see the long stretch of how damn lucky we are to be alive smeared over days and days of beauty, it's when time stops and we see things in slow motion and we are able to fill it like a balloon with gratitude, and it's when we take the full, deep breaths, step outside the box of chronos time, and gaze at all we have to offer.

That's Kairos time.

And this year? 2012? I'm working on filling my life with as many kairos moments as I can. That's all. It's simple. It's not advanced science, it's not pushing myself harder to DO MORE BE MORE, it's the allowing of grace, in all its forms, to inform me in as many daily moments as I can that life is so, so, so incredibly good.

Come to think of it... this blogger already does that (and she has two beautiful children) quite brilliantly. Go have a read and treat yourself.

It's gonna be a good year. I can feel it.

House-keeping

Balance is a funny thing.

And by funny I mean that it's hard, like in the way I say that playing darts is funny (well, it is when I do it.) I mean, let's face it, I suck at balance. A lot. And I'm not even talking about physical balance here, either. I'm talking about the balance that all of us carefully navigate each day of physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental balance. I spend a lot of time in the zone when I'm really trying to accomplish something in my life, which is great, because then I become uber-focused... but then I look up from what I've been doing, and oh look, the dishes are piling up the sink, the cat has died of hunger*, and I haven't blogged in three weeks.

Whoops.

So hello, blog world! How have you been? And where have I been, you ask?

I've been working my butt off, actually. Doing that other thing that I love so much besides writing - acting.

In 2009 I was the lead in a little award-winning web-series called Hell Froze Over (I'm not using "little" ironically, sadly, but the part about it winning an award is true). Hell Froze Over is a quirky, hilarious, occasionally raunchy and sometimes blood-splattered show that I just fell in love with and had a blast working on. (You can check out all ten of the episodes here and a pretty fair review of the series here.) And since it debuted two years ago everyone who worked on it has spent a lot of time and energy trying to make a Season 2 happen.

So we decided to use Kickstarter, a fundraising website that asks the creators of a project to set a financial goal and a deadline, and then the creators in turn ask friends, family, frenemies, and total strangers to "pledge" a donation to get the project funded. If we hit our goal by the deadline, we get to keep the money - if we don't hit our goal, we don't get to keep ANY of the money. So it's an all or nothing thing here, folks.

I have spent the last few weeks beating the pavement, asking people to donate money over Facebook, in real life, and on YouTube... while not wearing a shirt. (Yeah, you read that right. Um, this video of me is not quite safe for work, as I would rate it PG-13.) But in the end- WE HIT OUR GOAL!!!!!!!!!! And we still have 8 days left for people to contribute (people have been going here to donate) and are still getting more and more contributions a day. You guys, I am so excited, and so completely and utterly grateful for how generous people really are. We start shooting in a few weeks and I'm just about hyperventilating in anticipation of all the fun things I get to do this season. YAAY!!!!

The other news is that I got cast in a low-budget feature horror film which will be shooting over the summer, and I've never acted in a horror film before so I'm excited to scream my little blonde head off and possibly be soaked in blood while running away from a psychopath. All at the same time.

And I also got new headshots taken for my commercial agent, I've been doing the rounds to get a new theatrical agent, I started a new acting class that is kicking my ass, and oh yeah... it was my birthday on Saturday so I've been feeling spoiled rotten by my friends and family (and I think I'm still on a sugar high).

So I know I've been gone, but I'm gonna be better about keeping everyone updated on what I'm doing and trying to stay up to date with everyone else's lives. In the meantime, I'm off to go visit some of your blogs and looking forward to reconnecting with everyone.

Have a wonderful week, guys!



* the cat didn't really die of hunger, but acts like she is going to Every.Single.Morning.