Thursday, August 19, 2010

best birth control....EVER

*the following is an actual, word for word conversation I had with a friend over the phone*


Me: Hey S., how's it going?

S.: Good, it's going great!

Me: Yeah? How's Alora? Is she getting big?

S.: Oh my God, she's growing up so fast.

Me: Really? Awww, does she remember her crazy Aunt Tracy?

S.: Right now I'm not sure she remembers ME. But sometimes when I tickle her and she giggles, then she looks at me and... uh oh.

Me: What?

S.: Uh, I gotta go.

Me: Why, what happened?

S.: (cheerfully) Alora just pooped so hard it sprayed up the back of her shirt and onto my pants.

Me: OH

S.: Wow, it's on my shirt too.

Me: MY

S.: K, call you later, alright?

Me: GOD.

S.: ::hangs up::



Dear Universe, if and when I decide to ever have kids, could you just send me one in the form of a well-adjusted 19 year old English Lit major so we can talk and have coffee and stuff? And spare me the poop-spraying and sleep deprivation and temper tantrums and teenage dating ordeals?

mmmmkkkay thanks.

37 comments:

Alesa Warcan said...

LoL... Still there's something to be said with conditioning them early.
Or would you want the universe to imbue your 19yo eng lit major with your knife skills too? ; j

I'm not sure I'd trust the universe to get it right... As I say: anything worth doing is worth messing up on your own for. ;þ

Marion said...

LOL! Poop is the least of it, trust me! I had 2 beautiful little girls who pooped candy, thank goodness, but I also acquired a baby brother when I was 15 years old. I'll never forget the time my sister was changing his diaper and he peed in her mouth. Ha!

Are y'all moved in yet? I hope all is well with you out there on the Left Coast. Sending love and hugs! xoxo

Taylor K said...

When I was a nanny (for a family who has 9 children. That's right, 9.) I once got poop on my face. One of my worst nanny moments. Not the worst, but def in the top five.

Robin said...

LOL.... I hate to say it but that is the EASY stuff. Gross, but easy. It washes. It's when they start talking that things get difficult! You crack me up!

Kristin Quinn said...

No kidding. 19 years old sounds good to me.

Dionne said...

Bahahahaha, ewwwwwww! How gross, but how hilarious. Now that's some super-strength gusto behind that poop! Love it!

Gwen said...

LOL!!! It's a right of passage to get poo'd on or thrown up on. Everyone survives it. Some of us are ruined for life but we do survive.

However I would totally take poo on my pants just to have a little one giggle because I did something goofy and to hear the first I love you Mommy. :) XOXO

Wine and Words said...

When they turn 19, you'll wish all you had to worry about was poop spray!!!! Each age comes with their own triumphs and tragedies.

Lira said...

CLONE!

Ida Nielsen said...

Haha!
Honestly, I'd rather change a poopy diaper than dealing with a 3 year old with temper tantrums.... just saying :-)

Okie said...

ah yes...the joy of diapers and potty training and other awkward and messy rites of passage.

I'm glad all of my kids are beyond the diaper phase. Granted, they still have some messy issues we get to deal with from time to time, but usually they are due to creative boundary pushing (as in 'why can't I paint the house using mud/chalk/paint').

I fully admit that I'm glad they're older now and we can play games together, go for walks or bike rides...and generally interact more. I'm not saying I didn't have fun just hanging with them when they were newborn-->toddler+, but I'm with you on the desire for more interaction than just struggling to keep them alive/fed/clean/etc.

B. Nagel said...

Best advice ever: always wear a shirt. Doesn't matter if it's 3:30 in the AM and she's screaming bloody murder. Take the time to put on some extra clothes.

That way if, hypothetically, she overeats and spits up all down your chest, you don't have to take a shower. You can just toss the shirt in the hamper before crawling back into bed.

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

haha- hope that works out for you-

If it's any consolation the shit don't smell when it comes out of your baby's ass.

Darcy said...

lol, I totally love this. even with babe in belly, I feel the EXACT same way hehehehe...

Bathwater said...

You are crazy! You want one sent to you about 18 months to 2 years old when they just start walking and talking and than give them back at about 6 years of age.

drollgirl said...

gross gross gross! i have enough problems dealing with pet poop! yeesh!

p.s. i TOTALLY agreed with your comment about hummers. i stupidly didn't think to include them in my la traffic rant. i would like to throw feces and firecrackers at hummer drivers! gah!

littlemissjuicy said...

hahahaha. Ew, I don't know how something like poop can come out of the cutest creatures on earth called "babies"! I wish they come up with a system whereby which babies don't have to poop..only then will i think of having one! :p
P.S: I miss you. Sorry I've been so MIA.

Anthony Duce said...

Enjoyed.....

Annje said...

haha..poop is the easy part. Plus, how is the 19 year old ever going to trust you if you don't have any embarrassing poop stories!?

Ed Pilolla said...

i thought you were headed in a deep, profound direction with this.
on her shirt seriously??

Terresa said...

I'll just say this:

If you love her, say it with a vasectomy. (Five years and 4 kids later, that's where we stand. Firmly.)

:)

Lori ann said...

hahahahahaha.

i have that 19 year old journalism major right now and i wish i could say things have gotten easier. she's my heart and that's the trouble. she had to go away. :(

still, you must have children, i will pester you now. poop will be the least of your worries. trust me.

Dave said...

I actually had to stop between reading and commenting to change a diaper...thankfully nothing near as drastic as you decribed! Ace went through a stage when he couldn't be contained...it was so not funny! lol But ofcourse kids are worth every mess.

Irenicineri said...

Awww. But they're so cute and cuddly and squishy! Poop or no poop. I say get them when they're young. From 13-20, they act like they don't like you anymore. You want them when they still think you're the moon and the sun and they let you know it. :)

krista said...

this morning when bryan and the baby dropped me off at work, i opened the back door to say goodbye to finn and before i could even get to her she held her palm up to my face and said 'no hugs, no kisses. bye mommy.'

granted, she told me randomly yesterday that she loved me and thought i was the best.

ebb and flow.
ebb and flow.

Eric W. Trant said...

I have a 9 year old son, and one on the way, due in November. I'm sure not looking forward to poopie diapers, throwing up in the elevator, in the car, on the bed, pooping in the tub, peeing in the closet and in the tent on the sleeping bags...

My son's 1st grade teacher said teaching was the best birth control ever.

Wanna hear something funnier: My word verification is SPERM.

I couldn't make that up.

- Eric

Jo said...

Aaaahhaaaahahahaha!!!!
Agreed.

Maha said...

that's my first time in here, and I've read some of your posts. You have the cutest blog ever!

Heather Taylor said...

All I ask from the universe is that my future offspring enjoys shopping in department stores and won't be bratty because that is where they will be spending their childhood. No matter how old I get, my shopping habit will certainly stay with me.

Barbara said...

Hah! You wish!
Now just why shouldn't you go through what the rest of us did???

Maggie May said...

arghughghghghgh

Shanna Suburbia said...

LOL that is quality STFU Parents material right there.

I'm trying to get back into the blogging. I miss it a lot, especially you!

The Kid In The Front Row said...

nothing to do with this post-- just wanted to say, i just watched your showreel. you are a wonderful actress!

Scarlet-O said...

oyy.. omg... but you know.. im sure you wouldnt mind if it were yours... like with kitties and stuff. the love outweighs. still. im so far removed from anything like that, what do i know?

xo
s-o

Robin said...

Just wanted to know that I tagged you in Friday's blog, With A Wave Of Your Wand. Have fun with it:-)

Des said...

This was hilarious. The thought of having kids seems terrifying and intimidating to me.

Giovanna said...

hahahahahhaha, i just laughed so hard, i almost sprayed coffee on my laptop screen. that story was disgustingly fantastic.

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